A Blue Christmas?
Are these blue lights draped around a motorcycle engine the sign of a holiday police dragnet? A sudden K-Mart blue light holiday special buy? The remains of a collision of a motorcycle and a Christmas tree (including the candy cane)? Picasso in a new blue period just in time for the holidays? A physical manifestation of the ghost of Elvis opining that he will have a Blue Christmas without you? Whatever it is, it is a little larger than your average stocking stuffer.
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What every best-decked-out holiday bike rider needs for an evening-ride: a lamp on the back of your bike with a leg-in-stockings base. An extra leg in case one of your own gets tired.
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The baaaad are everywhere.
“Listen up, boys,” the head sheep said. “We have one chance to get this right. The sow keeps all her money at the Piggy Bank on the corner. We show a little backbone and knock it over and we’ll never have to cower again. You with me?”
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Sometimes you feel like a pumpkin; sometimes you don’t.
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He didn’t understand why people were avoiding him. Granted, he had gotten up late, so he had to skip a few of the normal morning rituals, but he had showered the night before and brushed his teeth before he went to bed. And thus far this morning, he’d only had half a cup of tea. So, what was the big deal? His hair may have been a bit of a tangle, but his clothes were fresh.
He couldn’t understand it.
Then he understood it even less: women he didn’t know and had never met began giving him that slightly coy, come hither look. The one that starts with her glancing away when their eyes first meet, then with her head slightly cocked and her eyes slightly closed, she turns her gaze back to him and smiles that promisingly wicked half smile. One woman even circled her tongue over her lips.
They weren’t the type of women who were usually attracted to him, so why now?
He went to rest room in his office to comb his hair. Maybe they were making fun of him. That’s when he looked in the mirror.
He was frightened.
No, he was scared!
How could this be? Whom had he offended? What deity or person with near-divine powers had done this to him?
He tried to make a mental list of who could have done this to him. It was as much a list of distraction as a true list of candidates. There was Elinor over in accounting, whom he had snubbed at a company gathering. Not on purpose, but just the same. Then there was Bob, his neighbor, whose cat was always digging in his flowers. Not that he liked flowers all that much, but he liked the cat even less. And…
Sometimes the new you is thrust upon you.
He only hoped he didn’t wake up with a turkey face as the days left Halloween and drew closer to Thanksgiving.
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“I want to suck your nuts.”
Under the guise of holiday détente, a contingency of nutcracker vampires met with their counterparts from Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and the other holidays.
Citing how pumpkins and candy are traditionally part of Halloween, the leader of the group said, “If Thanksgiving can have pumpkin pies, and Christmas can have candy canes, I do not see why we can’t have Halloween nutcrackers.”
When advised that they could still not get their way, the Halloween nutcrackers stormed out of the discussions and threatened to “shut down the Holidays until we get our way.”
With Halloween soon approaching, no one is sure if Halloween we care forth on its threat to shut down the Holidays. Stay tuned for late breaking developments.
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He didn’t think this was, in any way, horsin’ around.
Mr. Ed had gone out drinking with his friends last night, but work up this morning with a terrible hangover and a skeleton painted on his body. He did not find it funny. It was probably the jack ass next door who did it. Crept over in the middle of the night and painted on him while he was passed out. He’d get even with him. Hey, nobody trifled with him and got away with it. He was nobody’s mule.
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It’s not a matter of when, but weather pigs fly.
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He thought he had been dreaming them; but here they were, the four cops of the apocalypse — the a copalypse — and they were following him.
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Think pink
Bobo thought he had seen it all. Then he saw this: a big bright pink elephant. He had to have it. It would perfect for his yard. His wife couldn’t object. It was the 1,000 pound gorilla he wanted to keep in the guest bedroom. It was an elephant. It would stay outside. And it would be the perfect complement to her pink flamingos — all 200 hundred of them strewn all over their lawn.
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