Tag Archives: humor

The 101 Most Insane Things That Have Ever Happened In Florida

The 101 Most Insane Things That Have Ever Happened In Florida.

Need inspiration for your next story or novel. Take a look at the link above.

Sample:

1. Accused Florida man says his cat downloaded child porn, not him.
2. Florida man calls 911 80 times to demand Kool-Aid, hamburgers, and weed
3. Man says cocaine in his buttocks isn’t his
4. Man stabbed in confusion over harmonicas
5. Drunk woman calls 911 to say she was lost in woods, did not know where to urinate
6. Trapper trying to catch elusive loose monkey gets death threats
7. Sex-doll threesome man gets off
8. Florida man has sex with pit bull in his yard as neighbors beg him to stop

And each entry on the buzz feed page is linked to an article with more information.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-101-most-insane-things-that-have-ever-happened-in-florid

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Filed under true life humor

cARtOONSDAY: “dREAM oN!”

He then wakes up disturbed.

He then wakes up disturbed.

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Filed under cartoon by author, CarToonsday

Sunday silliness: two poems in response to Facebook postings

[Editor’s note: both of these poems I wrote in quick fashion, a bit of silliness, a bit of fun. Taking maybe 30 minutes each, at most.]

Minister of the dart

O’ minister of the dart
whose aim is true,
sending the dart flying
threw and through.

Toward the bull’s eye
your throw did wend
with an aim so perfect
your foes became friends.

O’ minister of the dart
whose aim is true
I’ve never seen a bull cry,
until now. Have you?

Written on March 5th in response to a Facebook posting by Chris Buice, minister at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, TN, in which he wrote about throwing the winning dart in a game that gone so long that even his opponents cheered.

_____________

That four-foot long

Put that four-foot long
back where it belongs —
don’t leave it out in the aisle.
Put back that four-foot long
with the smell so strong —
don’t leave it in a public pile.
Put away that four-foot long
you silly ding-dong —
even at Fellini we have a style.
A code we relate
no need to masticate
or pretend to be in denial.
So, put that four-foot long
back where it belongs —
don’t leave it out for public trial.

Written on March 9th in response to a Facebook posting by Brian Griffin about being in the Fellini Kroger in Knoxville, TN. If you don’t know, you can use Google and find out all about it. There is even a Fellini Kroger Facebook page and another for Friends of Fellini Kroger. As far as anyone can tell, the Italian director never set foot in Fellini Kroger … at least not in this plane of existence.

And in case you are wondering, the four-foot long is a sausage, not a snake, though who knows, someday that may happen in Fellini K.

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These Books Actually Exist – The Meta Picture

These Books Actually Exist – The Meta Picture.

Are you ready to read: “The Right to Arm Bears”? How about “Knitting with Dog Hair”? These are two of the twenty titles.

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Photo finish Friday: “Nobody gnomes the trouble I’ve seen”

The rare albino gnome.

The rare albino gnome.

The rare albino gnome is not easy to capture on film (or digital), but these gnomes are on a quest to capture the pooka that turned them albino. They said the pooka did it on a dare from a puck. They did not think it was a hockey puck, but they weren’t 100 percent sure. After all, they have been on this quest for several centuries now, with little success in finding the pooka. And only the pooka that made them albino can turn them back. Because they have had no luck in finding the pooka, they are turning to you for help. Should you come across the pooka that turned these gnomes albino, please contact them. Leave a message under a rock by a stream running backwards under the light of a new moon on a Thursday. It is important you use this exact gnomeclature when contacting them. Otherwise, the message will be lost. Thank you for your help.

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Monday morning writing joke: “blood money”

Q.: What did one English vampire writer say to another English vampire writer?

A.: “All this bloody writing is sucking the life out of me.”

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The blathering idiot and the sign

The blathering idiot was not sure what to make of the new rest room sign.

The blathering idiot was not sure what to make of the new rest room sign.

There had been complaints about how some of the blathering idiot’s co-workers had been mistreating the restroom facilities, so management had devised a new sign to help everyone understand. It was all in pictures in the hopes that there would be no confusion. Still, the blathering idiot had a few questions.

He understood that an “X” through the drawing meant do something or that is was wrong to do something. And from the new chart, he saw that it was okay to sit on the commode. Though all it looked the man was doing was sitting there and resting. His pants did not look pulled down and he was sitting too erect to be doing anything. A man needed to lean forward a little more when he pooped. And good luck if he tried to pee while sitting that way.

The second drawing puzzled the blathering idiot. Why would a man pour marbles into a commode?

Then there was the third drawing. Was that man praying?

As for the fourth drawing, he wondered why any man would try to ride a commode like a jockey. Had somebody at work really done that?

And then there was fishing in the commode. He had never thought of that. But certainly what was in there was not usually worth fishing for to begin with. Even he knew that. Unless, maybe, you accidentally dropped something in before doing anything else. What do yo do then? Call your supervisor?

As for the last drawing, it was the oddest of them all. It looked like a man squatting back from the commode and taking aim with an object or some sort, maybe even a child’s toy like a missile or torpedo, and trying to aim it at the commode. Did he mean to blow up the commode? Was he trying to throw into the commode something that he hadn’t been able to get to come out until he gave up sitting on the commode the way the man in the first drawing was? He did look a little like he was squatting, after all.

The blathering idiot pondered this poster until he couldn’t come up with any answers that made sense. He went to his supervisor for guidance, but all his boss would say is that it was being used in the Olympics and that if it was clear enough for them, it should be clear enough for everybody working for him.

The blathering idiot felt it was going to be a long shift.

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Photo finish Friday: “Yo, yo”

Yo, dig my shades?

Yo, dig my shades?

Yo, yo, I don’t know
but I’ve been told
mean ol’ homework
will rot my soul.

Yo, yo, I don’t know
but I’ve been told
mean ol’ chores
are an empty bowl.

Yo, yo, I don’t know
but I’ve been told
walkin’ to school
is hard on the sole.

Yo, yo, I don’t know
but so it goes
I done counted
and I have ten toes.

Yo, yo, I don’t know
and may never be told
when this silly rhyme
starts to get old.

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Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday, poetry by author

Photo finish Friday: “Rock of ages”

Well, Captain, she's either the biggest lump of coal Santa ever brought, or one of the largest dilithium crystal piles I've ever seem. Would explain what powers those eight tiny reindeer.

“Well, Captain, she’s either the biggest lump of coal Santa ever brought, or one of the largest dilithium crystal piles I’ve ever seem. Would explain what powers those eight tiny reindeer.”

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Liar”

Q: What’s the difference between a novelist and a politician?

A: One gets paid to tell lies; the other lies to get paid.

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