Tag Archives: humor

Monday morning writing joke: “Running late”

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1. “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father. “Important thing is we’re all together today.”

Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep”, said the father, “Cheap ones too.”

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Throw up

by David E. Booker

I throw up for no good reason:
any time and any season.
A piece of lint is in the air.
It floated up from my underwear.
It is there now; it frightened me.
I’ll either throw up or go pee pee.
I can see now my sensitive ways
cause my parents problems many days.
When we travel for hours in a car
they have wonder just how far
we can go before I begin
to say, “I’m sensitive to throwing up again.”
I take a deep breath and feel the bile.
Has it only been a little while?
My older brother sits next to me.
He hopes I’ll hurl on my DVD.
We still have many miles to go
but I don’t have that much self-control.
A bug goes SPLAT against the window.
I can feel my tummy start to billow.
That bug’s guts are the color
of what I’ll throw up from my supper.
I throw up for no good reason:
any time and any season.
Even when I feel I’m okay,
my stomach throws up just like I say.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Have and have not”

Q.: What do Santa Claus and a struggling writer have in common?

A.: Some people believe in them; other people don’t.

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Photo finish Friday: “Mistaken identity”

Are you C3PO? the reporter asked. The reporter was never heard from again.

Are you C3PO? the reporter asked. The reporter was never heard from again.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Guarded”

Three men were standing outside a dog obedience school with their dogs.

The first man’s dog was pulling on the leash and parking at almost anything. He said, “My dog’s such a good guard dog, she’ll bark at strangers over a block away to warn them to stay away.”

The second man’s dog was stumbling around, bumping into things, but not to be outdone, he said, “My dog’s such a good guard dog, she’ll knock over anything or anyone to protect me and my family.”

The third man’s dog was old and tired. She was curled up in a circle, snoring loudly. He said, “My dog’s such a good guard dog, she guards me against having too high an expectation of what she can do.”

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cARtOONSDAY: “mEANDERING sAG”

Willard wondered if there was a Sag Wagon for the sagging middle of novels?

Willard wondered if there was a Sag Wagon for the sagging middle of novels?

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Monday morning writing joke: “Head’s up”

Q: Where do zombie kids begin their education.

A.: In Head Start.

///

Q.: What’s a zombie’s goal in education?

A.: To get to the head of the class.

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cARtOONSDAY: “sTRAIGHT fLUSH”

Jiggle the handle if you have to.

Jiggle the handle if you have to.

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The Devil’s Dictionary: “Abscond”

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

A young Ambrose Bierce

A young Ambrose Bierce

For example, here is a definition for the words Corporation and Congress. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION

Abscond, v.i. To “move in a mysterious way,” commonly with the property of another.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;
The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

–Phela Orm

NEW DEFINITION

Abscond, v.i. To “move in a mysterious way,” commonly with the property of another, usually a lobbyist in order to the bidding of “the people” as conveyed by the lobbyist to the politician. The people in this case being the person, persons, or corporation that hired the lobbyist(s).

Elections beckon! All candidates to the lobbyists respond;
The people are leaving and the politicians abscond.
–d.e.b.

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cARtOONSDAY: “cHAIN uP”

The chain of command sometimes rattles more than at other times.

The chain of command sometimes rattles more than at other times.

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