Monday (morning) writing joke: “Turn of events”

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

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Writer’s Digest Short Story Competition

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We’re looking for short stories! Think you can write a winning story in less than 1,500 words? Enter the 14th Annual Writer’s Digest Short Short Story Competition for your chance to win $3,000 in cash, get published in Writer’s Digest magazine, and a paid trip to our ever-popular Writer’s Digest Conference in New York City! The winning entries will be on display in the 14th Annual Writer’s Digest Competition Collection.

Wondering what’s in it for you?

A chance to win $3,000 in cash
Get national exposure for your work
A paid trip to the ever-popular Writer’s Digest Conference in New York City

How to enter: register and pay online or download a printable entry form. (Early-Bird Entry fees are $20 per manuscript.)

Link to details and how to enter: http://www.writersdigest.com/competitions/short-short-story-competition

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Photo finish Friday: “O’ 13: perverse verse”

Unlucky 13

Unlucky 13

O’ triskaidekaphobia —
don’t let it annoy ya —
your paranoia,
your frightened mind.

This triskaidekaphobia,
it will destroy ya,
I do implore ya,
your fear it will find.

Yes, triskaidekaphobia,
it will toy with ya,
and even enjoy with ya
superstition sublime.

Said triskaidekaphobia,
“I don’t want to bore ya,
but I’ll take Peoria,
at twelve Central time.”

Came triskaidekaphobia,
by way of Astoria
thirteen more than ya
hoped you could confine.

But triskaidekaphobia
was unlucky ya know ya
and took the thirteenth floor ya
and then fell to its decline.

Of triskaidekaphobia,
I’ll say no more to ya
because history will show to ya
that it will all intertwine.

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Haiku to you Thursday: “Saturday”

If my lover were /

Saturday, dabbled sunshine /

would sing from my lips.

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Writing tip Wednesday: “How to write good”

How to Write Good

Practice, practice, practice.

Practice, practice, practice.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren’t necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

11. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don’t never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

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cARtOONSDAY: “rOUGHING iT”

Pitching a story.

Pitching a story.

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Monday morning writing joke: “the vote”

Two writers are sitting at a bar, as writers are sometimes want to do.

One writer sips his drink and says, “I’m thinking of make a run for the U.S. Congress. If I do, will you vote for me?”

The other writer puts down his drink and says, “No.”

The first writer hesitates, looking visibly taken aback, but then asks, “Why not?”

The other writer says, “Because I already know all your lies.”

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Sunday silliness: “Voices”

Let's hear it for "the voices."

Let’s hear it for “the voices.”

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Found: One wedding dress by the side of the road – PenBay Pilot

Found: One wedding dress by the side of the road – PenBay Pilot.

Writing prompt. What would you do if you found a wedding dress in a bag beside the road.

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New words to live by: “elastation”

First Saturday of the month and it’s time for a new word. This is a word or phrase not currently in use in the U.S. English lexicon, but might need to be considered. Other words, such as obsurd, crumpify, subsus, flib, congressed, and others, can be found by clicking on the tags below. This month’s new word is:

elastation, n. = rubbery, slippery, idiotic intellectualization of reality.

An elastation can also be bent back on itself as needed and while others may recognize the contradictory absurdity of your elastation, you probably done.

For example, recent comments by Fox talking heads who attacked President Obama for not saying he would ask for Congressional approval before attacking Syria should the Syrian army use chemical agents on its opposition, and then when President Obama did seek Congressional support, attacking him for going back on his word.

Another elastation is the owner of a coal company saying only God can create global warming. After all, if God made the coal and man is made in God’s image, then couldn’t God be doing global warming with coal through man?

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