Category Archives: humor

November 30, 2011 · 10:49 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary: Economy and Effect

Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for the word abasement. The first definition is Bierce’s. The second one is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries

Old definition:
Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

New definition:
Economy, n. Purchasing the house that you did not need for the inflated price that you could not reasonably qualify for, but did because the Wall Street banks wanted you to.

Old definition:
Effect, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other — which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog.

New definition:
Effect, n. Post hoc, ergo propter hoc. After it, therefore because of it. You bought the house you couldn’t afford because a loan you couldn’t understand and then the economy sank. Therefore, the sinking of the economy is your fault. Also known as the Fox News / Republicans-to-the-Occupy-Wall-Street-people interpretation of economic events.

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November 27, 2011 · 12:50 pm

Blathering idiot: I woke to turkeys on full parade

I woke to turkeys on full parade,
A dark flock of birds on a chocolate promenade.
I was sure it was a trip to a tryptophanic place
Where there existed another wild turkey race.

One was cross-eyed, one was four eyed.
One, I saw, gave me the evil eye.
Yet these fowl could not be what they seemed,
Full of butter and chocolate and maybe even cream.

With candy corn beaks and truffle cheeks,
one stepped forward and started to speak.
“We come to you from a way off land,
We have a proposal we hope you find grand.

Chocalate Turkeys

Chocolate turkeys on parade


“We want you to pardon one of us today.
That way we can be free to go our way.”
“Wait, wait a minute,” I then said.
And I saw their eyes get all full of dread.

“If I pardon one, what will happen to the rest?”
The cupcake turkeys did their best
Not to laugh at my stupidity
But an answer to my question, they wouldn’t give me.

So I picked up one and ate him straight away.
Then I ate another before he could say:
“We come in peace, don’t you know.
We came to you, because we’ve no place to go.”

I gobbled and gobbled until I had my fill.
Then the three I hadn’t eaten stood very still.
With chocolate frosting smeared across my face,
I’m sure they wished they’d skipped the human race.

“Which one of you do I pardoned?” I said with a leer.
They stared at me as if I hadn’t been clear.
“I will eat two and save one.
“That is how a Turkey’s pardon’s done.”

The three immediately tried to scramble.
But cupcake turkeys can barely amble.
And as far as they got was the edge of my bed,
Where they had everything to fear. One had lost its head.

But of these turkeys, I could eat no more.
Because my stomach was incredibly sore.
It was rumbling, grumbling, beginning to roar
And felt as if the turkeys inside were trying to soar.

So I give you this warning, should they come your way.
One headless turkey and two friends dismayed.
Enjoy a little less of these chocolate treats.
Unless you want to feel like you’ve been eat.

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November 20, 2011 · 10:17 am

Fresh, hot A’s

Lauren eating a doughnut

Fresh, hot A's earn a visit

School work drips rewards.
Fresh, hot A’s earn a visit.
Report card doughnuts.

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November 19, 2011 · 8:42 pm

The Bagel Dilemma and the Eight Year Old Philosopher

A watched bagel does not toast

The bagel dilemma

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November 14, 2011 · 7:22 pm

Doctor, doctor, give me the news…

Don’t know how many of these are factual, but they all sound true.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

Breathe deep
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

“Big breaths,” I instructed.

“Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

Wild ride
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”

After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

Not to my taste
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

Lawn Care
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read: ”Keep off the grass.”

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said “Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by RN (no name)

AND FINALLY…

Whistle while you work
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady in leopard print bikini panties upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you? “

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

“No, doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ‘I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.’”’

Dr. wouldn’t submit his name….

Oohhh, and one more…

Baby’s First (Grand) Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came!!”

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November 14, 2011 · 12:09 am

Thoughts of the blathering idiot: Change

The blathering idiot was emptying his pants pockets when he came across some change he didn’t know he had. He stared at the pennies, nickels, and dimes and he thought about the nature of change:

Be an agent of change, unless, of course, you change your mind.

Of course, you could be so poor that you can’t change your mind.

Change is inevitable; it’s the folding money I’m not so sure about.

Count your change and then count your blessings. Whichever one is greater, that’s where you are: blessed and broke, or cursed with a lot of loose coins weighing down your pockets.

If there was one thing about me I could change it would be … oh, never mind, I’ve changed my mind.

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November 13, 2011 · 12:02 pm

Question of the day: can the Blinde lead the blind?

Blinde leading the blind

Hmmm ... wonder what marketing genuis thought up this?

Would you buy glasses from a company that promotes being “Blinde”?

Are they blind to something? Something they don’t see?

As a person who has worn glasses most of his life, I don’t get this. Without my glasses I am “blind” (very nearsighted), and now with my glasses I can be “Blinde”?

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November 7, 2011 · 10:17 pm

Apropos of nothing at all: To split or not to split

“Honest, prof,” the physics major said. “It was either split my infinities or split my infinitives, and to boldly chose, I choose the later.”

“The structure of a sentence may not be as wondrous as that of the universe,” the English professor said, doing his best to keep his umbrage in check. “But let me assure you, young Einstein, that to split your infinitives instead of your infinities has forced me to put an end to your escapades with an un-split grade of ‘F.’”

From that day forward, the physics student split infinitives no more, going to and fro, but boldly no more.

So what moral can you take from this little tale of woe?

Split your wood, split your pants, split your atoms, and if you must, split your mind, but to split your infinitives can lead to an infinitely bad time.

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November 6, 2011 · 8:25 pm

Some words to live by

On the political front:
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
[Editor’s note: Only the line “Sir, I knew Jack Kennedy and you’re no Jack Kennedy” comes close to this in recent U.S. politics. Too bad we don’t have more of it.]

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

Do opposites attract?
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill

Words for the dead and dying:
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb

On the literary front:
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
Moses Hadas

Literary point and counterpoint:
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” –
Winston Churchill, in response:
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second …. if there is one.”

Musical accompaniment:
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
Billy Wilder

Instead of saying your mother wears army boots:
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker

For the man (or woman) who has everything:
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand

When the evening has come and gone not the way you hoped:
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx

The last word, or not:
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Mark Twain

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November 5, 2011 · 4:42 pm

The blathering idiot and the blue tooth’s other byte

The blathering idiot had a blue tooth device for his cell phone. One of those devices that fits in the ear and wirelessly syncs to your cell so you can talk and receive calls while being hands free. The ear piece makes you look important or stupid. Zelda, the blathering idiot’s on-again, off-again girl friend had bought the device for him and he had eventually learned to work it. When he first wore it, she laughed and said he looked like a goofy Borg. It was then he told her she needed to lose a little weight.

There was one problem with the blue tooth. Every now and then, the voice in the blue tooth ear piece would announce in his ear: “There is no active phone.”

He would then move, sometimes not very much, and he would hear the voice say: “Your phone is connected.”

Zelda was away, and besides she was mad at him, so he couldn’t ask her for help.

Instead, he planned to experiment.

First, he laid his cell phone down and walked away from it until the voice in his ear said: “No active phone connected.”

It wasn’t that far, but farther from his hip to his ear.

He next walked around a corner into another room. After a few steps, heard it again: “No active phone connected.” Then “Your phone is connected” when he came back around the corner.

He then decided it must be corners. He would avoid going around corners. If he had to make a turn, he had to make it a 90-degree turn.

He worked to avoid corners, but eventually he would bend his body to avoid a corner, or even make himself sit down to think how he was going to avoid a corner, and he would hear the voice: “No active phone connected.”

Blue tooth's other byte

Beware of the blue tooth's byte

He decided maybe it was his clothes. So he started wearing different types of shirts and pants and even underwear. But that didn’t solve the problem.

Finally, one day he sat down and he turned his head to the left to see where he had placed his candy bar. His phone was on his right side. He heard the voice. He reached down to touch the phone, to make sure it was still there. Instead he accidentally touched his body fat. He pushed it aside and he head: “Your phone is connected.”

He let it go and he heard: “No active phone connected.”

He put down his Snickers bar and went outside for a walk.

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