Running and yelling don't make sense.
Category Archives: humor
If they’re running for office…
Running and yelling don't make sense.
Filed under Cartoon, child, eight year old philosopher, humor, politicians, politics
New Year’s thoughts from the blathering idiot
Don't know; don't want to know
If the universe was made for me, why doesn’t it fit better?
Or
If I was made for the universe, why do I feel like I was made from all the second-rate spare parts?
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, fun, humor, the universe, word play
Parting shot: Mary Christmas
Mary Christmas, wherever you are.
Let us Harold in a New Year.
Commentary: in case you are wondering, this is an actual sign in the small city where I live. I could not win a spelling bee if thrown into one, but I do know that Merry can be Mary, and Mary Christmas could be the name of somebody, but usually it Merry before Christmas, and maybe after Christmas, too. I also know we all have our crosses to bare, and some of them can be more of a bear than others, but sometimes we bare our crosses in ways that might make Mary merry, especially with Harold around. Here’s hoping we can all find a dictionary in 2012 when we need one.
Some things to do to celebrate the New Year
Some suggestions for bringing in the New Year
Japan: Omisko, New Year’s Eve, has been celebrated for several centuries, often with the ringing of a bell 108 times. This symbolizes repenting for each of the 108 bonno (moral desires) identified in Buddhism. (I didn’t know I had that many.)
Russia: In Moscow and probably other cities, many folks spend the final moments of the old year in silence. They write down wishes for the new year, burn them, pour the ashes into a wine glass, pour champagne in the glass, then drink the ash-infused wine, ensuring the wishes will come true. Bottoms up!
And if that is not enough of the grape for you, you can, as they do in Spain, eat twelve (12) grapes at midnight, one for each chime of the clock. This is supposed to bring good luck to each month of the coming year. There might still be time to go out and buy some grapes.
Then, when done with all your celebrating, be a mad Dane and take your plates to the homes of the people your love and break your dishes in their lawns. For full effect, you can recite some of Hamlet’s soliloquy: “To be a (broken dish) or not to be (a broken dish), that is the question….” Despite the apparent madness of this gesture, if you wake up and find a lot of broken dishes on your lawn, it is, in Denmark, a sign that you have many friends, or at least people who don’t want to do their dishes. This is, of course, hard to do with paper and plastic plates. But instead maybe you can set fire to them, after you write wishes on the bottoms, then drink to your friends’ health, and leave the empty plastic wine glass on their lawns. Toss in a dozen grapes for good measure, ring a bell 108 times outside their bedroom windows, and you might have all the bases covered for a wonder-filled 2012. After all, that’s the American Way.
Happy New Year!
Filed under 2012, celebration, humor, New Year
The Devil’s Dictionary: Trust
Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, here is a definition for the word abasement. The first definition is Bierce’s. The second one is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.
Old definition
Trust, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies.
Updated definition
Trust, n. In American politics, trust is that which is used to cover up what the “truth” won’t hide. For example, U.S. Senators and Representatives who beat the drum and say don’t trust the government, but do trust them. Truth is, once elected, they are the government and very few want to leave, even those crying out for smaller government. Along the way, they wish to create widows and retirees of small means, orphans in the care of of somebody else, and similar malefactor and public enemies, such as the ever shrinking middle class.
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Definition, Devil's Dictionary, humor, satire
Santa or the Grinch
Santa or the Grinch this Christmas Eve?
Santa or the Grinch this Christmas Eve?
Have you been good
or is that hard to conceive?
Will you get presents or a lump of coal?
If Santa sees you,
will he shake like jelly in a bowl?
Santa or the Grinch this Christmas Eve?
Have you been naughty
or is that hard to believe?
Will you get presents or a lump of coal?
If the Grinch sees you
will he howl loud and bold?
Santa or the Grinch this Christmas Eve?
In which one
will you believe?
Someone will slide down you chimney tonight
Will he leave presents
or take them outright?
Santa in the bathtub
There now is a man named Santa
who lives somewhere north of Atlanta.
He’s in a tub today;
soon will be coming your way —
so don’t take being good for grant-ah.
“Wings” to heaven.
DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged woman who is Baptist by faith. I believe that when I die I will go to heaven, My problem is, if going to heavean means being reunited with my parents and other family members, then I don’t want to go! The idea of spending eternity with them is more than I can stand, but I don’t want to go to hell, either. Any thoughts? –Eternally Confused in Mississippi
DEAR ETERNALLY CONFUSED: Yes. When you reach the pearly gates, talk this over with St. Peter. Perhaps he would be willing to place you in a different wing than the one your parents and other family members are staying in. And in the meantime, discuss this with your minister.
&&&
Sometimes, you just can’t make things up. The entry above appeared in the Dear Abby column of my local paper in November of this year. In one sense, it needs no commentary, though it does remind me of the quote from mark Twain: “Heaven for climate and hell for society.” This also seems like a question the writer should have been asking of her minister before asking Dear Abby or even instead of Dear Abby, whose response is interesting and yet odd in its own way. “Wings” to heaven? Is this an attempt at a pun?
Santa and the jet
Santa impaled on a jet.
Pilot landed, full of regret.
Fallen presents everywhere.
Broken wagon, child’s despair.
Reindeer rammed right through the plane.
Santa’s joy turned to pain.
If you don’t see him Christmas Eve.
Search the obituaries and the bereaved.
Santa impaled on a jet.
Pilot landed, full of regret.
NORAD warned him: “Don’t fly there.”
Now he wears soiled underwear.
The Devil’s Dictionary: Orthodox and Heterodox
Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, here is a definition for the word abasement. The first definition is Bierce’s. The second one is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.
Old definition:
Orthodox, n. An ox wearing the popular religious yoke.
New definition:
Orthodox, n. An ox wearing the popular religious, political, or other social yoke. Especially true during an election year, and even more so as the “election year” becomes more than one year. The yoke gets broader and narrower at the same time, covering more of the ox, but holding him tighter and tighter. See also Heterodox.
Heterodox, n. More than one ox being yoked. Used to be a man didn’t care about another man’s yoke, as long as it wasn’t his ox getting gored. Nowadays, there are more yokes than oxen, so be careful or the yoke may be on you. If not careful, both orthodox and heterodox can lead to a bad case of oxymoron. That’s where your ox gets told how stupid it is, and the yoke becomes even tighter.
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, heterodoxy, humor, orthodoxy, puns, satire, Uncategorized, word play
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