Tag Archives: writing humor

Monday morning writing humor: “Prattle”

Have critics said of your work: “He never gets to his last word.”? This is called Prattlitus or Prattlitous.

Or perhaps it was phrased this way: “His conclusion is longer than his discussion.” This is called Inconclusivity.

Or, when asked to write a summary of your latest novel, has you agent said to another: “His summary is longer than the original.”? And this is called Conclusionaires Disease.

If so, you may be a prime candidate for the Authors School of Pith, or ASP for short.

As ASP you will learn the two routes to pith: No! and Hell no!

We will tone your flabby vowels, strengthen your grammatical ganglia, and brief your brevity so that you can once again find your soul of wit.

So call today for your free 30-day trial. 1-888-ASP-WIPE. Try it, risk free, and see as we teach you the pleasure of the last word, how to conclude with brevity and dignity, and most important of all, we will teach you the value of summary when you see our final bill.

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cARtOONSDAY: “hOW tHINGS sTACK uP”

Sometimes the odd (and even) pages are stacked against you.

Sometimes the odd (and even) pages are stacked against you.

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Monday morning writing humor: “Registered failure”

Even the registered mail doesn't recognize me.

Even the registered mail doesn’t recognize me.

I’m a writer and I don’t get no respect. Just the other day I went to pick up a registered letter addressed to me from an agent, but the post office wouldn’t let me have it because they said I wasn’t the writer the letter was addressed to.

I showed them by driver’s license. Not good enough.

I showed them my Social Security Card. Not good enough.

I showed them my library card. Not good enough.

Only when I showed them a box full of rejection slips did they believe me.

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Stuck”

There once was writer of plays /

who could not get his character his way. /

“Oh, no,” they said. /

He shook his head in dread /

and he’s stuck in Act I to this day.

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Turn of events”

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

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Writing tip Wednesday: “How to write good”

How to Write Good

Practice, practice, practice.

Practice, practice, practice.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren’t necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

11. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don’t never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

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cARtOONSDAY: “rOUGHING iT”

Pitching a story.

Pitching a story.

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Sunday silliness: “Voices”

Let's hear it for "the voices."

Let’s hear it for “the voices.”

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cARtOONSDAY: “uNABRIDGED”

Word of the Day

Word of the Day

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cARtOONSDAY: “bOX OF wORDS”

Life is like a box of words....

Life is like a box of words….

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