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Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the second round was a tie, the short writer was allowed to go first for round three. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was grocery store.

The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

After thinking a moment, the short writer drew a stack of one-dollar bills from his pocket. He was not wealthy. He counted out ten ones. “A man enters a store, buys some groceries, and pays for his purchases. He has some change due and tells the cashier he needs some ones. The cashier responds with what?”

“Everybody needs someone,” the tall writer says. “That’s not very good.”

“You can do better?”

The tall writer thinks for a minute, then says, “That same guy goes back into the store for something he forgot. When he comes back to the same cashier, he is carrying a brown sack of walnuts. The store sells nuts two different ways for different prices. The cashier takes the walnuts, weighs them, and then says, “We have a couple of different ways we sell nuts.”

“Really,” the man said. “I just grabbed a bag. How are they sold?”

The short writer thought for a minute. He scribbled something on a piece of paper, then thought for a minute more.

“Time’s up,” said the bartender. “Do you have a guess?”

“Nut of your business?” the short writer asked.

“No,” the tall writer said, shaking his head, “To half and half not.”

The short writer glowered at the tall writer.

Round three was awarded to the tall writer. Each writer had 1 win, 1 loss, and 1 tie.

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the short writer won the first round, he was given the first pun of the second round. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short rider flipped the card over and the subject was bodily functions. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges, scoring each round.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

After thinking a moment, he drew an outhouse and asked, “What do you call this when it sits outside a sewage treatment plant?”

The tall, thin writer thought and thought and thought. His time was almost up when he blurted out: “Outsourcing.”

The short writer nodded. The tall writer then took a comb out of his pocket and ran it through his hair several times, continuing to do so when he asked in his best burr accent, “What does a Scotsman call a young woman constantly combing her hair?”

The short writer felt sweat running down the small of his back, and just as the bartender started to ring a small bell, blurted out, “A combly lass.”

Round two was declared a tie, but the short writer was ahead 1 win, no losses, 1 tie.