Tag Archives: satire

Plucked from the breadlines: Food Porn found near your toaster

News Flash!

Beware of this food porn creeping into your local food store. Spotted today was FlatJacks, an innocent looking addition to your diet, promising to make life easier and in two flavors: Original and “BarBQ.”

All you need is a toaster and about 5 minutes of your time, and all your fowl desires will be met!

Chicken from a toaster

Chicken from a toaster! What next? Will pigs fly?

When asked, the chief of police said: “FlatJacks is not to be trusted. He will lay your waist, and leave you with nothing to crow about. We have one of top detectives on this and he will get to the bottom of it, and then we will lay out the facts and seek prosecution of those trafficking in this chicken s&*^t operation.”

Psychiatrists are warning that what FlatJacks has to offer could be habit forming. Said one: “It’s almost magical, what FlatJacks is promising. ‘Chicken from your toaster!’ Who ever heard of such a thing? Pure fantasy! It would be as if I said if I had enough feather dusters, I could fly.”

Even one Republican Presidential candidate has weighed in, saying: “FlatJacks is free market capitalism at its finest. We politicians used to promise a chicken in every pot. We can now promise one in every toaster! That’s progress.”

Asked if he had tried one, the politician coughed and clucked as if to clear his throat and then referred the question to his aid.

When asked about FlatJacks, the Democratic candidate said he would form a commission to study the matter, and take that commission’s conclusions under advisement.

One local preacher took no time in condemning “this abomination to the very soul of Christianity.” Wiping away sweat as he spoke outside on the church grounds where an outdoor dinner and preaching was taking place.

He continued: “Young folks today do not know the true meaning of dinner on the grounds. In my day, the men dressed in their best Sunday clothes and women wore skirts and dresses, and often wore bonnets or hats, and they brought their best homemade fried chicken. It was a little friendly competition to see who had the best. Now, well now, look around here.” He waved his arm toward his brood. “They come in summer shorts – men and women – I say, and the women, well some of them wear the scantiest of things, and bring KFC chicken, and don’t even bother to take it out of the bucket. Now, now they will be bringing these FlatJack things and demanding we have toasters outside and long extension cords, and rows and rows of toasters. This will become one big stick it and click it dinner. Stick it in the toaster and click the lever down. Stick it and click it. This is Satan’s handiwork, I tell you. Satan’s handiwork.” In the distance a roster crowed for a second time and the preacher broke down and wept.

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Filed under absurdity, Chicken, church, FlatJacks, food porn, Found story, humor, puns, wit, word play

The Devil’s Dictionary: Big hats and Cause and Effect and Education

Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for the word miscreant The Old definition is Bierce’s. The New definition or comment are mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION:
Effect, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other — which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog.

NEW DEFINITION:
Post hoc, ergo propter hoc

After it, therefore because of it. The link above takes you to a video highlighting the same thing as discussed in in the Old Definition, showing that things have not changed all that much.

Conclusion: some things never change. Maybe due to a lack of education.

OLD DEFINITION:
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

NEW DEFINITION:
Education, n. That which the foolish, most conservative and mostly Republican, believe is wise to wreck on behalf of faith is something unseen, basically fear and prejudice. See the Tennessee State Legislatures attempt to recreate “Monkey Laws.”

I'm a state legislator and I know science better than anyone.

Post hoc ergo propter hoc: "I'm a Republican state legislator and I can stand in the way of education, therefore, I am better than education."

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/mar/19/anti-evolution-class-discussions-get-senates-ok/

Anti-evolution class discussions get Senate’s OK

By Tom Humphrey

Monday, March 19, 2012

NASHVILLE — The Senate approved a bill Monday evening that deals with teaching of evolution and other scientific theories while the House approved legislation authorizing cities and counties to display the Ten Commandments in public buildings.

The Senate voted 24-8 for HB368, which sponsor Sen. Bo Watson, R-Hixson, says will provide guidelines for teachers answering students’ questions about evolution, global warming and other scientific subjects. Critics call it a “monkey bill” that promotes creationism in classrooms.

The bill was approved in the House last year but now must return to that body for concurrence on a Senate amendment that made generally minor changes. One says the law applies to scientific theories that are the subject of “debate and disputation” — a phrase replacing the word “controversial” in the House version.

The measure also guarantees that teachers will not be subject to discipline for engaging students in discussion of questions they raise, though Watson said the idea is to provide guidelines so that teachers will bring the discussion back to the subjects authorized for teaching in the curriculum approved by the state Board of Education.

All eight no votes came from Democrats, some of whom raised questions about the bill during brief debate.

Sen. Tim Barnes, D-Clarksville, said he was concerned that the measure was put forward “not for scientific reasons but for political reasons.” And Sen. Andy Berke, D-Chattanooga, said teachers were doing just fine teaching science without the Legislature’s involvement.

“We are simply dredging up the problems of the past with this bill and that will affect our teachers in the future,” Berke said.

Watson said the purpose of the legislation is to encourage teachers in helping their students learn to challenge and debate ideas to “improve their thinking skills.”

Critics of the HB368 labeling the measure “monkey bill” ranged from the American Civil Liberties Union to the National Center for Science Education. In a statement sent to legislators, the eight Tennesseans who are members of the National Academy of Science said that, in practice, the bill will likely lead to “scientifically unwarranted criticisms of evolution.”

“By undermining the teaching of evolution in Tennessee’s public schools, HB368 and SB893 would miseducate students, harm the state’s national reputation, and weaken its efforts to compete in a science-driven global economy,” said the statement signed by Stanley Cohen, who won the Nobel Prize in physiology of medicine in 1986, and seven other scientists.

The bill authorizing display of the Ten Commandments in public buildings — HB2658 — is sponsored by Rep. Matthew Hill, R-Jonesborough, who said it is in line with court rulings. In essence, courts have often declared displays of the biblical commandments unconstitutional standing along, but permissible as part of a display of “historic documents.”

The bill authorizes all local governments to display “historic documents” and specifically lists the commandments as being included.

Hill said the bill will prevent city and county governments from “being intimidated any further by special interest groups” opposed to displaying of the Ten Commandments. It passed 93-9 and now goes to the Senate.

****

Commentary: Republicans DO NOT want smaller government. They simply want THEIR form of Big (Brother) Government. One where they govern your thoughts and morality. Your gun may be loaded, but your brain will be full of blanks.

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Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Blank, Cartoon, cause, Devil's Dictionary, educated, education, effect, GOP, Republicans, Uncategorized

The heist of some lifetime

Dear Congress,

I want my hour back.
The one you stole from me
To take up all the slack
Of saving energy.

A supercilious stance
Of the previous administration
Is giving me morning headaches
And hours of constipation.

Spring has not yet sprung
But an “extra” hour blooms
We’re supposed to use less fossil fuels
But you were a fool to assume.

You now fight over light bulbs
Some invoking “my right to chose.”
Yet, when robbing me of one hour,
You said I had nothing to lose.

There is no proof this hour
Is saving the country power.
I get up in the night, turn on several lights
As I make my way to the shower.

I use more electricity
As I start each day of work
All because you fell asleep
And forgot to think. What jerks.

You pander to the lobbyist
And engage in high mediocrity.
All the time wasting hours
On political pomposity.

By making daylight longer.
As I’m driving more for less
On gas I’ve forced to squander
While you show little or no regrets.

I’m losing sleep because I cannot be
Awake while the sun still shines
But with a jerk, the hour to start work
Finds me ever more behind.

I want my hour back.
The one you stole from me
And do not counterattack
With your light bulb skullduggery.

Even though my eyes are bleary
And my outlook a bit less cheery
I can still see quite clearly
And let you know sincerely:

I want my hour back.
The one you stole from me
To take up all the slack
Of saving energy.

They stole an hour from me

The heist of some lifetime

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Filed under Cartoon, heist, humor, poem, poetry, political humor, politicians, satire, story poem, theater of the absurd

Super Tuesday Wrap Up

Super Tuesday Wrap Up cartoon

The Summation of Super Tuesday

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The Devil’s Dictionary: miscreant

Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for the word miscreant The Old definition is Bierce’s. The New definition or comment are mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

Old definition

Miscreant, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present significance may be regard as theology’s noblest contribution to the development of our language.

New definition

Miscreant, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth, such as a politician or political pundit who wraps herself in the flag like swaddling clothes; proclaims “family values” as if they were a manger under siege, yet does nothing for families in dealing with the ravages of capitalism as the top 1 percent of the wealthiest people in the country control more wealth than the bottom 40 percent, and “wants to take my country back” as if somehow retreating into the past will deal with the future.

Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, holding an unorthodox or false religious belief. Again, see politician political pundit as described above. There is nothing more heterodoxical than living in a past that never was.

May want to see previous Devil’s Dictionary entries on politicians, politics, and orthodoxy.

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Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, humor, miscreant, satire

Cartoon: Giving Your All

Giving Your All

Giving Your All is easier to give your all when somebody or some corporate entity has already taken it.

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The Devil’s Dictionary: Love and Marriage

Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, in this as Valentine’s Day approaches, here is a definition for the words Love and Marriage. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions or comments are mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

Old definition

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other aliments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making all, two.

New definition

Love, n. A state of insanity cured by death, taxes, divorce, children, or being told you have to. Being told you can’t only encourages it. You know you are under its influence when money is no object, but the object of your affection is. When hope has replaced reason, and longing is just one more step on the way to ecstasy, then it is love.

But remember, love and libido come from the same Latin root: libet, meaning “that is pleasing.” If love would only stop there, it might be okay, but it often does not, heading, instead, into marriage.

Marriage, n. Terminal state of love. An institutional condition at which point that which was pleasing no longer is. Especially so when defined by the state, and enshrined with all the solemnity the government can bestow.

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Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, humor, love, marriage, satire, Uncategorized

The blathering idiot has questions

Door is a jar

How can a door be a jar?

Just the other day, the blathering idiot had some time to kill, though he wasn’t sure it was alive to begin with, and while pondering the philosophical depths of life, came across questions for which he could not find answers. Below are a few of them.

How can a door be ajar?

How come left behind means you’ve lost it, but right behind means it is still with you?

How come you can be told to sit down and shut up, but never sit up and shut down?

How come you can give a nod, but never take one?

How come when you are taking a bow, you are giving it to somebody else?

How come a house warming doesn’t involve starting a fire?

How come you can give somebody the shirt off your back, but you have to beat the pants off him?

How come politicians run for office, but stand for re-election?

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Quote of the Day

This just in from a church-going Southern Baptist who sends his son to a private Christian school: “I don’t care what he did in his personal life, I want Newt Gingrich to lead our country.”

It appears Newt’s having converted from Southern Baptist to Roman Catholicism doesn’t disturb some Southern Baptists like Roman Catholicism used to disturb them. I guess we can see that as a sign of improvement. John Kennedy would be proud.

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The Devil’s Dictionary: Patriot and Patriotism

Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, in this political campaign year, here is a definition for the words Patriot and Patriotism. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

Patriot, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.

Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.

In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary, patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that is it the first.

Updated definition: has anything changed since these definitions were first published? I think you could add to Patriot: The dupe of statesmen, the tool of conquerors, and the straw man of politicians. Anyone who does not agree with a politician’s stance for saving America is not a patriot (or even worse, a liberal).

It should also go without saying that scoundrel is a synonym for politician, and patriotism is often the first refuge of the politician, particularly when he (or she) doesn’t want to discuss something embarrassing or damaging, such as facts.

One also need remember this that an “-ism” as in patriotism is short for Ideology Stuck (in the) Mind. It has ceased to be a living idea and has become a petrified facsimile (or petrifac) of the real thing.

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Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, humor, patriot, patriotism, politicians, politics, satire, scoundrel