In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, here is a definition for the words Conservative and Republican, which have become synonymous. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine or somebody else contemporary. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.
OLD DEFINITION
Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
NEW DEFINITION
Conservative, n. I don’t think anything has changed since Bierce first defined conservative as he did, and little can be done to improve on it, other than to say that Conservative and Republican have become so interconnected in U.S. politics as to become two wings of the same buzzard. See Republican(s).
Republicans, n. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it. –P.J. O’Rourke
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. –H.L. Mencken
Final thoughts:
So, here we have a political party (Republican) that purports to be the party of Conservative, heterosexual, bedrock social/Christian values, in which in Tennessee, in the county of Knox a commissioner stands (an obviously appropriate word in this case) accused of indecent exposure with another man for lewd behavior; a former Knox County mayor gets a divorce because of an alleged affair — and maybe more than one. (At least he waited until toward the end of his time in office to get divorced.); a current Knox County mayor is getting a divorce (at the start of his administration and only four years after saying “I do.”); a Tennessee state representative and a former police officer gets arrested for driving drunk in Nashville, TN, with a loaded gun in his front seat; another Tennessee state representative carves her initials in her publicly owned seat in the state capital, dresses down a Tennessee Highway Patrol Officer for a ticket she got for speeding, and has “interesting” photos of herself on the Internet; a Tennessee state senator uses bogus science and bullying logic to advance a biased personal agenda, and when challenged claims he’s being discriminated against; a national presidential candidate has more affairs than another national presidential candidate has had wives (and that takes a little doing); and that same multi-wife presidential candidate’s current wife has a debt at Tiffany’s over 5 times (and maybe even 10 times) larger than the yearly average American family household income. So with all this moral rectitude and personal frugalness coming from the political party (Republican) claiming to defend Conservative, heterosexual, bedrock social/Christian values, what I want to know is this: When did Peyton Place become a family value?
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Conservative, Devil's Dictionary, Republicans, satire
Why was the sign on the ground in front of the church and written on upside down?
Was Jesus mad?
Is that why the sign was on the ground in front of the church?
Were there not enough Christ Centered poses? Or did somebody in the church think Buddha was sneaking in to take over the bodies and then the souls of the yoga students?
But why was it written upside down on the white board to begin with? Was it done on purpose by the instructor or was it the work of Satan, who wanted the yoga session all to himself?
Filed under Found story, Jesus
Sometimes it’s not the elephant in the middle of the room that’s the problem, it’s what the elephant has in his trunk.
There once was an elephant from Nantucket
whose trunk was so long he could suck it.
With full force it went in,
bending time and again.
Until election day, he’s just stuck with it.
Filed under cartoon by author, limerick, poetry by author, political humor
[Editor’s note: Parts 1 – 7 of The Kibitzer and the Kidd are available by clicking on “Kidd” or “Kibitzer” in the tag section. This is science fiction western with more than dollop of humor and satire.]
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The Kibitzer couldn’t help himself. The flames were everywhere. Smoke embraced the air and made it suffocating.
He didn’t believe in the devil or demons – other than the ones you create or marry into – but the unholiness of the air made him wonder if there wasn’t something otherworldly afoot.
Then there was the quote running through his head, the one where the fat comedian turns to the skinny one with the big chin and doofus grin, and says, “This is a fine mess you’ve gotten use into.”
At a time of impending death, one shouldn’t be thinking of comedy, especially when you couldn’t remember the names of the comedians, especially the one with big chin and the doofus grin.
He heard voices beyond the flames, or at least thought he did. One voice kept yelling over and over: “Swallow the lozenges!”
The Kibitzer wasn’t sure what to make of the voice. The fire was loud and crackling. He never realized how much noise a fire made. If there was a hell and there were people in it and it was composed of fire, the people would not be able to talk to each other. Would not be able to listen to their own thoughts.
He felt for the lozenges. They were in a paper sack in his shirt pocket, but they felt soft, like warmed candle wax. Not yet liquid, but would soon be.
A new wall of flames sprouted up around him, forcing him to run further into the stable.
“Trust the lozenges.”
It sounded like a woman’s voice.
He heard the whinnying of a horse. The Kibitzer glanced around. He thought he had freed all the animals, except himself.
“Trust the lozenges.”
This time the words came with an image. It was the comedian with the doofus grin. The fat comedian with the small bowler hat standing next to him was breathing fire at him, smoke spewing out of the comedian’s ears. But the skinny comedian kept the same big grin.
The lozenges felt very soft when he touched his pocket.
Flames were everywhere. The air was hot, smoky, and unbreathable. But he was still breathing. Sweat flowed off the end of his nose.
The Kibitzer reached for the lozenges. Nobody was going to rescue him. Not now. Not ever. Not even the Kidd.
He heard the whinny again. Louder this time. Followed by kicking.
He had the lozenges out. They were oozing out of their wax paper wrappers and onto his fingers. The liquid was warm, but he could not feel its warmth.
He brought his fingers up to his lips.
The wall in front of him exploded inward, toward him. A part of the wall hit him, knocking him backwards, toward the wall of flames.
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t feel. He wasn’t sure he had swallowed. And as he started passing out, he heard the fat comedian say, “Well, Kibbey, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”
Except the comedian wasn’t talking to him, unless he was a … duacorn?
(To be continued.)
In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, here is a definition for the words Corporation and Congress. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.
OLD DEFINITION
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Congress, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
NEW DEFINITION
Corporation, n.The only think I could add to corporation is: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. Peopled with overcompensated executives whose sole purpose is to privatize the profit and socialize the debt. In the vernacular: heads, I win (I get to keep the profit); tails you lose (You have to cover the bad debts).
Congress, n. A body of men and women who meet to repeal laws, generally at the behest of a corporation. This is now true of both the federal Congress and the state Congresses throughout the U.S.
Lobbyist, n. Paid influence peddler, bag man for the corporation, general thief in the night whose sole purpose on behalf of corporations is to see that Congress understands which laws are to be repealed or weakened, and how this should be done, particularly since too many lobbyists are former elected officials. Lobbyists can promote on behalf of other entities and not only corporations, but the goal is generally the same.
[Editor’s note: lobbyist was not a term long in use when The Devil’s Dictionary was created.]
Final word:
“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.” –MARK TWAIN
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, Mark Twain, satire
Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, since April is poetry month, here is a definition for the words poetry and blank verse. The Old definition is Bierce’s. The New definition or comment are mine (and in this case a few other folks, too. Sometimes, you need help).
From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.
OLD DEFINITIONS:
Poetry, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.
Blank verse, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters — the most difficult kind of English verse to writer acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.
NEW DEFINITIONS:
Poetry, n. In this age of digital publishing, to say that poetry is peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines is more prescient than sarcastic. Maybe I will call upon some other folks give a modern perspective, if not definition of poetry:
Poetry and consumption are the most flattering of diseases. –William Shenstone
(If I have to choose, I’ll take poetry, though I would probably be better at consumption.)
Poetry is nobody’s business except the poet’s, and everybody else can f*&k off. –Philip Larkin
(If true, no wonder poets feel misunderstood, unappreciated, and beyond the Land of Magazines.)
I know that poetry is indispensable, but to what I could not say. –Jean Cocteau
(Probably more indispensable than this blog.)
I think that one possible definition of our modern culture is that it is one in which nine-tenths of our intellectuals can’t read any poetry. –Randall Jarrell
(And what is the percentage of the non-intellectuals?)
Free verse, n. Free verse is like free love; it is a contradiction in terms. –G.K. Chesterton
(Yeah, but paid love is illegal in most states.)
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, definitions, Devil's Dictionary, poetry
[Editor’s note: Parts 1 – 6 of The Kibitzer and the Kidd are available by clicking on “Kidd” or “Kibitzer” in the tag section. This is science fiction western with more than dollop of humor and satire.]
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Al Wayne handed the Cough Drop Kidd a hot toddy. They were in Wayne’s private office off the mezzanine in the saloon.
Given the scuffed look of the saloon, this office was opulent with upholstered seats and an intricately carved fireplace mantel. There was no fire in the fireplace, and the Kidd wondered if it worked. Wayne assured him that it did, but that he rarely used it because it was an inefficient way to heat and added to the carbon footprint.
Wayne handed the Kidd a copy of his book, Global Warning. The Kidd wasn’t quite sure what to do, a warm drink in one hand and a cold tome in the other.
He laid the book on a side table by the chair, He was almost certain he heard the table sigh and mutter, “Oh, no, not another one.”
“Drink up,” Wayne said, raising his own drink to his lips and taking a sip. “It’s not often we get a toddy drinker in this town. It’s good to have a little sophistication every now and then.”
The Kidd didn’t think of himself as a sophisticate, only somebody with a sore throat from coughing too much.
“What about what the Kibitzer said. Is it true?”
Wayne smiled.
“That Bonnie can whip up some mighty powerful cough drops. Sometimes a whiff of those apothecary fumes can make you say things you normally wouldn’t.”
“So, it’s not true?”
Wayne shrugged. “Many folk around here have claimed they’ve been struck by lightning and then resurrected some time later. I don’t put much stock in it myself.”
The smile on Wayne’s face didn’t ease the feeling of disquiet the Kidd felt rippling just under his skin. Particularly since it was at Wayne’s insistence that the Kibitzer had to sleep I the stable on the edge of town. Not that it was a large town, and a few of the buildings only had facades and nothing behind them. One or two had signs that read: “Coming soon,” but nothing else. At one point in their travels together, the Kidd had heard the Kibitzer use the term Potemkin Village and he wondered if this might be that. The name of this place was Potomac. But there was no river nearby.
“You haven’t touched your toddy.”
The Kidd quickly took a sip. It was tepid now, but still tasted amazingly good. He took a second, long sip.
“Now, I have a question for you, Mr. Kidd.”
Kidd smiled. He rarely heard anybody call him Mr. Kidd. Kidd or hey you was more likely. For the moment, he couldn’t remember what the Kibitzer called him. Probably nothing he wanted to repeat.
Kidd wasn’t his real name, at least not the real name his parents gave him. But he abandoned that name shortly after he abandoned them.
“My question is in your travels have you heard anyone mention or met anyone by the name of John Gore?”
At that moment, the floor-faced man barged into the room. He spotted The Kidd and curled his lip.
“Fire. There’s fire down at the livery.” He said it breathlessly, but not in a good breathless way.
The Kibitzer, the Kidd thought.
“Save my horses. My prize Walkers,” Wayne said.
Wayne was at the door, shoving the floor-faced man out in front of him.
The Kidd put down his toddy on the book and headed for the door.
“Don’t forget your book,” the table said.
The Kidd hesitated.
“Take it, fool,” the table said.
The Kidd snatched it from under the toddy. The cup tipped over and smashed against the floor. Breaking china and escaping toddy skittered and splashed about.
“Oh, Mr. Wayne’s going to be mad. That’s not eco-friendly.”
The Kidd didn’t hear the table. He was down the stairs and almost to the saloon’s swinging front doors when two dark figures stepped in front of him, blocking his way. The Kidd tried going around them, but they would have none of it.
(To be continued…)
What do you mean you don't have a cat? Aren't you human?
Overheard conversation at a cat show where there were over 250 cats representing about 40 different breeds.
Cat fancier to an eight-year-old girl: “Do you have a cat?”
Eight-year-old girl: “No, but I have two guinea pigs.”
Cat fancier: “Cats and guinea pigs can get along.”
Girl: “I also have two dogs.”
Fancier: “Cats and dogs can get along.”
Girl: “I also have two birds.”
Fancier, frowning slightly: “Well, maybe sometime in the future you can have a cat.”
I wonder if Noah had the same problem.
Booker's Blog 