Tag Archives: satire

February 16, 2014 · 8:31 pm

The blathering idiot and the sign

The blathering idiot was not sure what to make of the new rest room sign.

The blathering idiot was not sure what to make of the new rest room sign.

There had been complaints about how some of the blathering idiot’s co-workers had been mistreating the restroom facilities, so management had devised a new sign to help everyone understand. It was all in pictures in the hopes that there would be no confusion. Still, the blathering idiot had a few questions.

He understood that an “X” through the drawing meant do something or that is was wrong to do something. And from the new chart, he saw that it was okay to sit on the commode. Though all it looked the man was doing was sitting there and resting. His pants did not look pulled down and he was sitting too erect to be doing anything. A man needed to lean forward a little more when he pooped. And good luck if he tried to pee while sitting that way.

The second drawing puzzled the blathering idiot. Why would a man pour marbles into a commode?

Then there was the third drawing. Was that man praying?

As for the fourth drawing, he wondered why any man would try to ride a commode like a jockey. Had somebody at work really done that?

And then there was fishing in the commode. He had never thought of that. But certainly what was in there was not usually worth fishing for to begin with. Even he knew that. Unless, maybe, you accidentally dropped something in before doing anything else. What do yo do then? Call your supervisor?

As for the last drawing, it was the oddest of them all. It looked like a man squatting back from the commode and taking aim with an object or some sort, maybe even a child’s toy like a missile or torpedo, and trying to aim it at the commode. Did he mean to blow up the commode? Was he trying to throw into the commode something that he hadn’t been able to get to come out until he gave up sitting on the commode the way the man in the first drawing was? He did look a little like he was squatting, after all.

The blathering idiot pondered this poster until he couldn’t come up with any answers that made sense. He went to his supervisor for guidance, but all his boss would say is that it was being used in the Olympics and that if it was clear enough for them, it should be clear enough for everybody working for him.

The blathering idiot felt it was going to be a long shift.

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January 11, 2014 · 10:46 am

The Devil’s Dictionary: “Academe, Academy, University”

A young Ambrose Bierce

A young Ambrose Bierce

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here are definitions for Academe and Academy. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions are mine or somebody else contemporary. The new definitions can also be simply examples of The Devil’s Dictionary definitions. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITIONS:

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY, n. (from academe). A modern school where football is taught.

NEW DEFINITIONS:

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. (No such place exists in America today.)

ACADEMY, n. (from academe). A modern school where football is taught.

UNIVERSITY, n. A very modern school where only football is taught. It is also often the moral and philosophical code of many of the students, alumni, and politicians of such institutions. Such universities belong to aggregations that go by acronyms such as SEC, Big Ten, ACC, etc. Such Universities also serve the One True Higher Authority: the ABS — the Almighty Buck Speaks. Like any true higher authority, often times what is enunciated by the ABS and what is heard by the Students, Alumni, and Politicians (SAPs) are a Babel of pontifications.

[Editor’s note: Bierce did not have a definition for University, such has football grown since his time. Also note, there are some Universities where basketball is substituted for football. ]

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December 30, 2013 · 10:13 pm

Monday (morning) writing joke: “War is….”

A young Ambrose Bierce

A young Ambrose Bierce

Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil’s Dictionary (1842-1913):

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”

Updated corollary: I guess since Americans score poor on world geography, we haven’t had enough of them lately.

Final conclusion: Drones anyone?

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July 28, 2013 · 2:24 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary: “Law,” part 1

A young Ambrose Bierce

A young Ambrose Bierce

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here are definitions related to the law. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions are mine or somebody else contemporary. The new definitions can also be simply examples of The Devil’s Dictionary definitions. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION:

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. –The Unauthorized Version

FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person–a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately
permitted to lose his case.

When Adam long ago in Cupid’s awful court
(For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
Sued for Eve’s favor, says an ancient law report,
He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.
“You sue in forma pauperis, I see,” Eve cried;
“Actions can’t here be that way prosecuted.”
So all poor Adam’s motions coldly were denied:
He went away — as he had come — nonsuited.
G.J.

HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime.

HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered—the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another–the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

NEW DEFINITION

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. If you have enough money, you can keep throwing until you get the role you want.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness or even being a little different.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. –The Unauthorized Version

FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person–a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately
permitted to lose his case.

When Adam long ago in Cupid’s awful court
(For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
Sued for Eve’s favor, says an ancient law report,
He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.
“You sue in forma pauperis, I see,” Eve cried;
“Actions can’t here be that way prosecuted.”
So all poor Adam’s motions coldly were denied:
He went away — as he had come — nonsuited.
G.J.

If you cannot afford an attorney in a crime case, one can be appointed for you. Of course, he or she might not be making much more money than you.

HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime. How he was confined to begin with, one may never know given how long it might before the writ is written.

HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered—the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen.

A way of making a habeas corpus into a plain corpus.

Today this has been replaced in most states by injection. Contributes less to climate change (global warming) this way.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another — the classification is for advantage of the lawyers and certain segments of the media who present opinion reportedly under the guise of news.

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May 19, 2013 · 10:54 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary: “Alien, Alliance, Ambidextrous, Ambition, Amnesty”

A young Ambrose Bierce

A young Ambrose Bierce


In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here are definitions for Alien, Alliance, Ambidextrous, Ambition, and Amnesty. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions are mine or somebody else contemporary. The new definitions can also be simply examples of The Devil’s Dictionary definitions. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION:

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

AMNESTY, n. The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

NEW DEFINITIONS:

(ILLEGAL) ALIEN, n. An un-American scofflaw unable to achieve a probationary state of any sort, at least as seen by some radical conservative elements. For them ALIEN is always preceded by ILLEGAL. This distinguishes him from the American scofflaw, who with enough money and AMBITION can form at least one ALLIANCE in which he can pick the pockets of friends and foes alike.

ALLIANCE, n. In National and International politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. However, as a grouped entity they often find a way to plunder others. The NRA plus the GOP being one fine example of how two groups manage to plunder a third, even to the point of death.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. (Nothing much new need be added to this.)

AMNESTY, n. The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish or who have enough money to acquire amnesty as one acquires a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card in Monopoly. In other words, it would be too “expensive” to ignore the offer.

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April 7, 2013 · 10:46 am

Silly Bills

by David E. Booker

O’, Pause and let us now behold
the elected intelligence in all its mold.
Bills run amuck of mind and light:
Sufficient fright for a Halloween night.
And there was more, lest you forget
a bill to take away your right to vote yet
for the U.S. Senator of your choice
Enlightened legislators said, “That’s our voice.”
Only a call from fed Senator Corker
prevented that piece of legislative porker.
Many other state bills ceased to be
because big money donors were displeased.
So, say what you will about money buying votes.
It may not get bills passed; but it can get them smote.

________

Tennessee State flag: 0' what trouble can they conceive when the state GOP is allowed to breathe.

Tennessee State flag: 0′ what trouble can they conceive when the state GOP is allowed to breathe.

NASHVILLE — On the state Senate floor last week, Sen. Brian Kelsey brought up a resolution that he explained as putting senators on record as declaring “if the federal government tries to infringe on our rights as American citizens, then we will intervene and fight for those rights.”

This prompted Senate Majority Leader Mark Norris to ask his fellow Republican how the resolution (SR17) differed from perhaps the most prominent of several bills introduced this year to nullify federal laws and subject federal officers to prosecution should they try to enforce them.

For the rest of the story, follow this link:
http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2013/apr/07/tennessee-gop-supermajority-eases-up-on-silly/

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April 1, 2013 · 4:01 am

Four in ten people cruel to the Internet

Palo Alto, CA — Have you been cruel to your Internet? The Society for Prevention of Internet Cruelty (T-SPIC) would like to know.

Recent studies by this quasi-governmental, quasi-NGO (Non-governmental organization), quasi-modem group have revealed that up to 4 in 10 people are cruel to the Internet.

“It is often those unaware they abusing their Internet that are the worst offenders,” spokes-bot RU4ME recently stated in a released statement. “They spend unnecessary time on a web site, or even leave their browser up and focused not on one, but two, four, six and more tabs or windows open on web sites they will not visit again. Or they forward an e-mail to a group of friends and family, but never remove the three lists of thirty deep names of people who were forwarded to originally, then somebody in that group forwarded to thirty more people, and one of them forwarded to this person and twenty-nine others, and now this person is forwarding with all these other e-mails still showing, like a line of toilet paper stuck on your shoe during your wedding day march down the aisle.”

The Internet has feelings, too.

The Internet has feelings, too.

Then there are those who purposely target the Internet for cruelty. According to T-SPIC, there’s a man who lives in a small apartment in No Name, Kentucky, whose goal is to drive the Internet out of business. Toward that end, he mails out certificates to people all across the country saying they don’t have to pay their Internet bill for the next three months.

T-SPIC also claims to have a record of a woman who denies the Internet even exists. She claims it it is another one of those “gubment ho-axes,” like cell phones. “After all,” she says, “it was that gubment man Gore that claims he invented it. Next thing you know,” she goes on to say, “you’ll be telling me that moon landing malarkey was all real.”

RU4ME says if you suspect somebody of being cruel to the Internet, please give them a call. The number is 010-101-0101.

“Without the public’s help,” RU4ME stated in her statement, “we will not be able to put an end to this unspoken atrocity occurring right under our keystrokes.”

“The Internet is a vibrant, living entity,” RU4ME says. “It has feelings. Cruelty to the Internet is not a crime, but it ought to be.”

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March 13, 2013 · 10:21 pm

Life is like a box of … politicians

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2013/mar/13/wine-in-grocery-stores-bill-dies-by-1-vote-in/?partner=popular

Wine-in-grocery-stores bill dies by 1 vote in House committee

Why is it in my state, Tennessee, I can walk into a Super Wal-Mart and buy a rack of lamb and a box of bullets, but I can’t go in a buy a rack of lamb and box of wine?

Tennessee State flag

Tennessee State flag

Somehow, according to the fine, upstanding, bought and paid for, public servants in Nashville, it’s my God-given right if I want to buy something to potentially blow somebody else away, but heaven forbid if I want to buy something in a Super Wal-Mart, or even a “regular” grocery story, that might be used to “blow” myself away for a little while.

This in a state with a super-Republican majority in both the state House and Senate. This in the face of the Republican manta of less government. This in the thrall of hypocrisy about competition being the life blood of a “free market.”

It’s only less government if you buy it.

It’s only less government for you if you can make somebody else pay with a little less choice.

It’s only less government if you are the one defining it as so.

It’s only a box of … GOP politicians.

Yep, less government. Just big enough to fit in your bedroom.

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March 2, 2013 · 2:18 pm

New word: “congressed”

Upon occasion, it seems that there are gaps in the English language: experiences, ideas, emotions, and even eventualities that don’t quite have a word to identify them. Today, we have one such experience in need of a new definition…

They congressed.

v.i. (verb intransitive): To meet for no discernible reason, to then accomplish no discernible goal, and then to adjourn with no discernible conclusion.

Speeches can be made, positions staked out, even bills passed out, but all of little note in addressing the issues at hand.

They congressed despite themselves, and were well paid for it.

As well as a verb intransitive which means a verb that needs no direct object, this is a new classification of verb, known as the verb intransigent: meaning a verb that has no direct object and does no direct work due to the entropy of ideology, intellect, or the simple overwhelming asinine nature of the persons congressing.

A fine example of a place where congressing takes place. A place where good governing goes to die.

A fine example of a place where congressing takes place. A place where good governing goes to die.

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February 17, 2013 · 10:44 pm

The blathering idiot and the job interview

The blathering idiot stood in line for a job interview. He had finished writing his campaign memoir, but so far had found no publisher to accept it. His old job at the candy factory was no longer available. And his off again / on again girlfriend Zoey said she was not going to date a man without a job, even a former candidate for the highest office in the land.

So, here he was in line, down to his last ten dollars. After waiting an hour and half, he was about to be interviewed. If he didn’t get the job, he didn’t know what he was going to do.

“Next,” the woman in the office called out.

The guy who had just finished interviewing stepped out of the small room and past the blathering idiot. His face was ashen. His eyes wide, drool at the corner of his mouth.

“Next!” the woman was louder and more insistent.

The blathering idiot hesitated, unsure he wanted to step inside.

When he did, she immediately reached up and snatched his resume out of his hands.

“Don’t like to read them beforehand,” she said. “Like to feel the vibe off the paper as I look you straight in the eye. The paper can lie, but you can’t.”

She glanced over his resume, raising an eyebrow when she read something in particular. She then slapped the resume down on her desk.

“So you ran for the highest office in the land?”

The blathering nodded slightly.

“Well, did you?” She stared right at him, though he felt like it was more right through him.

“Yes,” he said.

“So, did you win?”

The blathering idiot wondered if it was a trick question. If he had won, would be here, standing before this woman, too scared to sit down? Or would she be the one who might be sweating and too scared to sit down.

“No,” he said finally, “I did not win.”

“Thought not,” she said, her voice gravelly, maybe from too many cigarettes. She had that sharp cigarette smell about her. Some smokers wore like perfume. “Don’t know anything about his Pro-Accordion Party you mentioned, but it wouldn’t have matter. I didn’t vote anyway. Waste of time.”

After a moment, the woman looked up and said, “You can go now.”

“But you didn’t ask me any other questions.”

“My vibe tells me you’re lying.”

“Lying?”

“Yeah, like a politician.”

And there he was, branded for being a lying politician and he hadn’t even won the election. He’d probably never be able to find work now.

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