This is a note to tell you
that Wall Street has taken away
the things I really needed:
my workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh.
I now make my rounds on a jackass;
he’s old and crippled and slow.
So, if you don’t see me come Christmas,
I’ll be out on my ass in the snow.
Santa mounts a new challenge.
[Editor’s note: original appeared in Dec. 2012, but brought back because it still applies. And because I can.]
Filed under cartoon by author, Christmas, poetry, Santa Claus, satire
At the party last night, I accidentally drank a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I’ll be fine, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little on the inside.
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bell hop asks, “Any luggage?”
“Nope,” says the photon, “I’m traveling light.”
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
It’s not a matter of when, but weather pigs fly.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.
“Sorry,” says the bartender. “We don’t serve spirits.”
Filed under Monday morning writing humor
How many science fiction writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but it’s actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one’s shoulders so that they were able to reach it.
However, a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.
Moral of this joke: don’t screw around with time.
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
All that glitters could be in your past.
A shack where she once
sold you your future, she now
buys your gold. Tough times.
[Editor’s note: at the university near where I live, this booth was for several years, a place where you could go to have your fortune told. Now, you go there to sell gold. such is how higher education has changed (pardon the pun). When I went to the same university, I don’t remember seeing as many Volvo, Mercedes Benz, and other high-end cars as I do now. I am sure there were many well-to-do students when I attended, and I’m also sure there are many middle- to lower-middle class students driving less prestigious cars. But as higher education costs continue to rise faster than inflation, maybe this booth is an indication of more than tough times.]
Filed under Found story, haiku, Photo by author, poem, poetry by author, tough times
DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged woman who is Baptist by faith. I believe that when I die I will go to heaven, My problem is, if going to heavean means being reunited with my parents and other family members, then I don’t want to go! The idea of spending eternity with them is more than I can stand, but I don’t want to go to hell, either. Any thoughts? –Eternally Confused in Mississippi
DEAR ETERNALLY CONFUSED: Yes. When you reach the pearly gates, talk this over with St. Peter. Perhaps he would be willing to place you in a different wing than the one your parents and other family members are staying in. And in the meantime, discuss this with your minister.
&&&
Sometimes, you just can’t make things up. The entry above appeared in the Dear Abby column of my local paper in November of this year. In one sense, it needs no commentary, though it does remind me of the quote from mark Twain: “Heaven for climate and hell for society.” This also seems like a question the writer should have been asking of her minister before asking Dear Abby or even instead of Dear Abby, whose response is interesting and yet odd in its own way. “Wings” to heaven? Is this an attempt at a pun?
Marriage of Socialism and Satan blamed for bizarre barrage of bad press over sandwich give away by Pennsylvania franchise.
Prayers called for by all right-minded Christians in the Chicken Sandwich Slinger’s hour of need. “Don’t get caught waffling,” one supporter intoned, “or you will fry in Hell.”
No official comment from the poultry wing of the political spectrum. Some say they have been bullied into submission and cower at the thought of speaking up for fear of being squawked. “We have decided to lay low on this one,” an inside source said, speaking anonymously on background. “This entire situation is all fowled up.”
“This is not egg-actly what we had hoped for,” C.T., founder and president of Chicken Sandwich Slinger, said when asked about it two weeks ago. “But we stand behind our independent franchise slinger’s actions in offering free sandwiches to legally married couples. Man and woman couples. We prayed about it and have decided to carry this idea nationwide and will be offering one free Chicken Slinger’s Sandwich to couples holding a valid marriage license.”
Unsubstantiated reports show an increase in online requests for ministers’ licenses, with the largest spikes appearing in the San Francisco, New York, and Atlanta areas. When asked about this, 84-year-old C.T. said it was “a feather in our cap,” if the increases were due to his promotional idea. “We’ll yet put the gay ol’ time back into marriage,” he said. “Even if we have to do it one Chicken Slinger’s Sandwich at a time.”
There was no immediate response from the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Alliance.
More details as they become available.
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