A man sitting on a stool in the corner bar looks over at the bartender. “I’ve tried everything for my joints. Pain medications, homeopathic remedies, strange herbs. I’ve swallowed Glucosamine tablets, Turmeric powder, and honey and cinnamon for my aching joints, but nothing relieves my pain.”
Bartender: “When is it at its worst?”
Man: “When I’m asked to pay my bar tab.”
The bartender immediately felt a bit of joint pain himself.
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
A troubled man wanders in to a Christian evangelical celebration. The preacher, seeing a new person, immediately seizes upon him and says, “Brother, what is your problem?”
“It’s my hearing,” the man says.
The preacher clasps his hands on both sides of the man’s head, shakes him vigorously, pleads to God to make the man whole, and then releases him with a quick shove backwards.
“How is your hearing now?” the preacher asks.
“I don’t know,” the man says. “I don’t go to court until Tuesday.”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Sometimes the muse was not a-musing.
Filed under 2016, cartoon by author, CarToonsday
The mother-in-law drops by for a visit with her daughter, but finds her son-in-law, Robert, in a blind rage and slamming stuff into his suitcase.
“What happened, Robert?” she asks.
“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home early from my writing conference. I get home … and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Jack Murphy in our bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down, Robert,” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Robert, I told you there was a simple explanation. She said she never got your e-mail!”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Just when you thought it was safe to square your Pi.
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
There once was a prophet who walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also was a mendicant, so he ate very little, only what he could beg, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. One day he was found unconscious, breathing rapidly, and was taken to the local hospital. When asked what his name was, nobody knew. When asked what was wrong with him, nobody was sure. After a quick exam, the doctors decided he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Filed under 2015, Monday morning writing joke
There once was a struggling writer in town /
Who made ends meet by being a clown. /
He could be quite the performer, /
Juggling balls on the street corner. /
But in his stories the balls always dragged the ground.
***
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Filed under 2015, Monday morning writing joke, poetry by author
Two travel writers sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Filed under 2015, Monday morning writing joke
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