Tag Archives: Monday

Monday morning writing joke: “Oasis”

Three writers were crawling through the desert about to breathe their last when one of them points and gasps: “Look, an oasis.”

“Yes,” said the second writer. “I see five naked women suggesting things and urging me on.”

“I see my wife and two kids with a picnic lunch and a gallon of lemonade,” the first writer said.

They both glanced over at the third writer who was scrambling to write down every word.

“What do you see?” The first writer asks.

“I see my agent telling me to write it all down so he can get his 15 percent when he sells my unfinished memoirs and makes me rich.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “Joint pain”

A writer sitting on a stool in the corner bar looks over at the bartender. “I’ve tried everything for my joints. Pain medications, homeopathic remedies, strange herbs. I’ve swallowed Glucosamine tablets, Turmeric powder, and honey and cinnamon for my aching joints, but nothing relieves my pain.”

Bartender: “When is it at its worst?”

Writer: “When I’m asked to pay my bar tab.”

The bartender immediately felt a bit of joint pain himself.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Purrfect”

A striped cat writer to a spotted cat writer:

Striped cat: “I’m having a hard time writing this scene.”

Spotted cat: “How does it begin?”

Striped cat: “Tabby, or not Tabby.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “Cluck luck”

Q.: Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

A.: Because he asked him who the best composer was and they all said, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

Chicken out.

Chicken out.

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Three writers died”

Three writers died, but were brought back to life. They met up one evening to discuss their experiences.

The first writer said: “I died and there was nothing. No light. No sound. I just sort of floated above my body in a limbo state.”

The second writer said: “I died and there was a bright white light, soft voices calling me, and a slight rustling sound like new leaves in a soft Spring breeze. I didn’t want to come back.”

The third writer nodded and said: “I, too, felt a blankness, except mine was white. There was a rustling sound to it. And there was a voice calling to me. It was my editor shaking blank pages at my face, telling me I owed him another 30,000 words.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “Culling from the heard”

One writer sitting at bar bemoaning his situation: Author who missed his deadline.

Two writers sitting at a bar bemoaning their situation: Scriptwriters who missed their deadline.

Three writers sitting at a bar bemoaning their situation: TV writers during a union strike.

Four or more writers sitting at a bar bemoaning their situation: Unpublished writers commiserating over their situation as they look for their first breaks.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Joint pain”

A man sitting on a stool in the corner bar looks over at the bartender. “I’ve tried everything for my joints. Pain medications, homeopathic remedies, strange herbs. I’ve swallowed Glucosamine tablets, Turmeric powder, and honey and cinnamon for my aching joints, but nothing relieves my pain.”

Bartender: “When is it at its worst?”

Man: “When I’m asked to pay my bar tab.”

The bartender immediately felt a bit of joint pain himself.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Hearing”

A troubled man wanders in to a Christian evangelical celebration. The preacher, seeing a new person, immediately seizes upon him and says, “Brother, what is your problem?”

“It’s my hearing,” the man says.

The preacher clasps his hands on both sides of the man’s head, shakes him vigorously, pleads to God to make the man whole, and then releases him with a quick shove backwards.

“How is your hearing now?” the preacher asks.

“I don’t know,” the man says. “I don’t go to court until Tuesday.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “A writer walked in….”

A writer walks into a bar – it knocks him down.

A writer walks into a police station – she hasn’t a clue why she came.

A writer walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing women’s clothes – including a Freudian slip.

A writer runs for political office – she figures she couldn’t be any more rejected and if she does get elected, the pay would be better and the hours easier.

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Monday morning writing joke: “Four writers, two”

Four writers get in a car. It’s pouring rain. The car won’t start.

Horror writer scribbles: “Brad and Elaine were trapped. It was the worst night of their lives. The wind was howling and the monster was, too.”

Romance writer scribbles: “Brad had always hoped for a chance alone with Elaine. And now in the rain, in a broken car, he had that moment.”

Comedy writer scribbles: “Brad had always hoped for a chance alone with Elaine. And now in the rain, in a car whose engine wouldn’t turn over, he had that moment – until, unlike the engine, his indigestion turned over on him.”

Contemporary fiction writer scribbles: “Brad had always had trouble with two things in life: women and cars. Now he was trapped by a heavy rain in a broken car with a woman he barely knew, who was soaking wet and crying and blubbering about her life being ruined. Brad could not find the words to console her, but searching around for a rag for her to use to dry her eyes, he found a hammer, and considered using it on either the car or the woman. Was it a sign? Was it supposed to use it or try to figure out why in life when he was handed lemons, he wasn’t even able to make lemonade.”

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