Tag Archives: Monday

July 4, 2016 · 7:04 am

Monday morning writing joke: “The deal”

After an Artist’s Anonymous meeting, three writers were sitting around talking about the upcoming Fourth of July.

“The fireworks have already started at my house,” the first writer said, “The dog died, my wife left me, and the car wouldn’t start and that’s why I was late getting here.”

The second writer shook his head, “Change that car to a truck and you could write a country song about it.”

“No,” the third writer said, “change the car to a dragon and you could have a fantasy story about a dragon who kills a man’s dog and kidnaps his princess wife.”

“Nah,” said the first writer. “I think I’ll leave as it is. The dog’s was my wife’s and the car was in her name. And right about now she’s probably finding out the guy she left me for wasn’t such a bargain, either.”

“Why do you say that?” the other two writers asked.

“Because he was my agent.”

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June 27, 2016 · 7:27 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Fishy”

Q.: What do you call a fisherman who can cast a rod with either her left or right hand?

A.: Bi-poler.

***

I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

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June 20, 2016 · 7:20 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Give and take”

A cactus and a vampire walk into a bar. The bartender can’t decide who’s the bigger prick.

***

Q.: What do you call a zombie with rod and reel?

A.: Hooked.

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June 13, 2016 · 7:13 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Famous last words”

Last words of A. Nonymous

Here lies the brokenhearted.
After a love spat, he departed.
Shuffled off this mortal coil.
Now he lies beneath this soil.
A struggling writer he once was,
but you never heard of him because….

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June 6, 2016 · 7:06 am

Money morning writing joke: “At a loss for words”

Q.: What do you call the speech writer for the losing political candidate?

A.: Fired.

***

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

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May 30, 2016 · 7:30 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Natural selection”

Never laugh at your wife’s choices. Remember, you are one of them.

***

Man walks in to a department store and tells a salesperson, “I need to get something for my wife for her birthday.”

Salesperson: “What would like to give her?”

Man: “An excuse.”

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May 23, 2016 · 7:23 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Written up”

Three candidates for a position in a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing were sitting on a bench, each looking at the comments made on his writing sample used as part of the application.

First student: “Mine says I would be better suited to writing user’s manuals for consumer products than creative writing.”

Second student: “Mine says, ‘The convolution of your writing is such that one can only assume that you would better suited for a position at the bar than in the MFA program.”

First student: “I hope they meant law school.”

They both chuckled then turned to the third student. Finally, the second student asked: “What did you yours say?”

Third student: Mine says that ‘from your writing sample we can only assume that English must be your second language and that you have only taken it up recently.’”

“Wow!” said the first and second students in unison.

“Yeah,” said the third student, “and to think I plagiarized from Nabokov.”

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May 16, 2016 · 7:16 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Lesson learned”

At 2 AM, Tuesday, a student calls up his teacher and asks, “Can you repeat for me what you taught in class today?”

The teacher, a bit groggy, asks, “So you liked it? It was that good?”

Student: “I can’t sleep now, but I did in your class.”

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May 9, 2016 · 7:09 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Bummed out”

A sixty-ish woman was at home jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and then asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?”

The woman continues bouncing on the bed and says, “I don’t care. I just came home from having a mammogram and the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.”

The husband asks, “What did he say about your 65-year-old bum?”

“Your name never came up.”

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May 2, 2016 · 7:02 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Dog on it”

An editor couldn’t believe a book he was helping to publish was written by a dog, so he requested a meeting. The dog and the owner walked into the office and each sat down in a chair.

“I’d like to ask you a few questions,” the editor said.

The dog yawned, which the editor took to mean go ahead.

“Since you are the first dog author I have dealt with, can you tell me what it was like to write this book?”

“Rough,” said the dog.

The editor decided he should be a little more specific. “What did you think of the line edits we sent to you for changes in the manuscript?”

The dog glanced over at his owner and then cocked back his head and howled.

The editor looked at his watch. He didn’t have much more time until his next meeting. He was finding it hard to believe this wasn’t some stunt cooked up by the dog’s owner. He sighed, glanced down at the contract, and asked a question he knew the dog wouldn’t be able to answer with a bark or howl. “As a first-time author, what do you think of our book advance structure and royalty payments?”

The dog immediately hopped from the chair to the editor’s desk, hiked his leg, and peed all over the contract.

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