Tag Archives: Monday

September 5, 2016 · 11:32 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Euphemism”

Isn’t that nice

Two Southern ladies were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion.

The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman continued “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman boasted “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried “land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

The second woman responded, “So that instead of saying ‘who cares?’, I learned to say ‘Well, isn’t that nice.'”

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September 5, 2016 · 12:35 am

Read This: The story behind Star Trek’s iconic, ceaseless sound effects · Great Job, Internet! · The A.V. Club

Very few programs in television history can be easily identified by their sound effects alone. The original 1966-69 run of Gene Roddenberry’s Star Trek belongs in that select fraternity, thanks to the efforts of sound mixer Doug Grindstaff and other craftsmen who toiled on the classic science-fictio

Source: Read This: The story behind Star Trek’s iconic, ceaseless sound effects · Great Job, Internet! · The A.V. Club

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August 29, 2016 · 7:29 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Time out”

There once was a sports writer extraordinaire, /

Who knew nothing of football and didn’t care. /

Touchdown, first down, /

He watched them all from a bar downtown, /

Where his vast knowledge he could share.

***

And a few football quotes and additional humor to help liven the week before college football begins.

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”
–Bob Devaney / Nebraska

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.” –Wally Butts / Georgia

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”
–-Alex Karras / Iowa

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.”
–Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”
–Murray Warmath / Minnesota

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.”
–Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.”
–John McKay / USC

“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.” –Urban Meyer / Ohio State

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SAT? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.” The other looked up in the sky and said,” Where?”

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? “Will the defendant please rise.”

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

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August 22, 2016 · 7:22 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Ship shape”

Redford Lane decided the only way he was going to become a better writer was to face his fears, starting with his fear of water. If nothing else, it would give him new material to write about.

He first tried to learn to swim, but failed. He then tried to learn to paddle a canoe, but failed there, too. Finally, he decided a bigger boat would be the answer, so he bought a barge, not realizing it did not have an engine or a sail. Still, he named the boat “O’ Courage” to both challenge and help him, and he could at least walk up and down on it while it was docked. He even took to living on it, at least some of the time.

One day, the barge slipped free of its mooring and started drifting down the river. Red grabbed a pole and tried to navigate the barge toward shore, pushing against the current with all his might. He almost had the barge stopped when the pole broke. He fell overboard and drowned.

The boat continued drifting down the river, passing by a couple of his friends who were fishing on the river. One of whom looked over and said, “Isn’t that Red’s barge, O’ Courage?”

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August 15, 2016 · 7:15 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Poe-etics”

A group of writers enters a bar room. One of them breaks away and goes to the bar.

“Who are you?” the bartender asks. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in here before.”

“I’m a Poe boy.”

“Poe boy?”

Poe nods. At that moment a back bird flies into the room and lands on the bar.

“Who’s this?” the bartender asks.

“He’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family,” the black bird says.

“Nevermore!” the bartender yells, taking out a shotgun. “I’ve had it with you writers and your puns. Nevermore.”

Poe turns to the black bird, “I think he’s stark raven mad.”

Nobody remembers exactly what happened next.

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August 8, 2016 · 7:08 am

Monday morning writing joke: “The pro”

A writer is sitting at the bar one night. It’s a slow night, so the bartender walks over to him and says, “You a writer, right?”

The writer nods and takes a sip of his drink, hoping the guy doesn’t tell him he has a story to tell him, the writer, and that all the writer needs to do is type it up, sell it, and they split the profits.

“Mind if I ask you a question?”

“You already did.”

The bartender stares at him. “Maybe you’ve had enough to drink.”

The writer raises his hand. “Ask your question.”

“When did you become a writer?”

The writer pauses. “You sure you want to know?”

The bartender nods. “Call it professional curiosity.”

The writer finishes his drink before answering. “Well, it went like this. One day in middle school my teacher looked my way and said, ‘Name two pronouns.’ I said, ‘Who? Me?’”

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August 1, 2016 · 7:01 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Numbers”

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in a mirror. Since her birthday was not far away, he asked her what she’d like.

“I’d like to be eight again,” she said, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a big bowl Captain Crunch and then took her to the nearby theme park. He put her on every ride in the park: the Slide of Death, the Wall of Fear, the Roller Coaster of Doom just to name three.

Five hours and 17 rides later, they stagger out of the park. She said her head was spinning and her stomach felt upside down. Still, he took her to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal with extra fires and a large chocolate shake.

Next was a movie with popcorn, cola, and M&M’s.

Finally, exhausted and late into he evening, they wobbled home and collapsed into the bed.

After a moment, he leaned over her and with a big smile on his face asked, “Well, honey, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and a snarl crept across her face. “I meant my dress size, you idiot!

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July 25, 2016 · 7:25 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Adverse”

There once was a crude poet of verse, /

Whose rhymes would always end with a curse. /

Then a woman walked by /

And gave him the loving eye. /

Now his verse has taken a turn for the adverse.

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July 18, 2016 · 7:18 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Agreeable”

A subject, a verb, and a direct object enter a bar and sit on the stools.

“What’ll ya have?” the bartender asks.

“I’ll have whatever he’s having,” the noun said pointing to the direct object.

“Same for me,” the verb said, “but make mine to go.”

The bartender then looked directly at the direct object.

The direct object rolled his eyes back and fluttered his lips. “All day,” he said, “all day and now we finally have a noun-verb agreement and I have no clue what I want.”

The subject looked at the verb. “I told you he was a third wheel.”

“Let’s go,” the verb said.

“Agreed,” said the subject and they left.

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July 11, 2016 · 7:11 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Greetings”

An older writer a bit down on his writing luck, takes a job as a greeter at Walmart to make ends meet. He tells himself that it is only for a little while, until freelance work picks back up, but even he is surprised when it only lasted one day.

The next day he walks into his favorite little dive and orders a tea. One of his writing friends is there.

“Hey,” his friend said, “I thought you’d be a work.”

“I should be,” the writer says, “but it didn’t work out.”

“What happened?

The writer hesitates, then shrugs his shoulders and says: “Yesterday was my first solo day. About halfway into my shift, a mean, loud woman, cigarette dangling from her mouth, barges into the store, hurling obscenities at the two kids she has in tow.

“I smile and try to calm down the situation by saying, ‘Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

“I knew they weren’t just from the way one looked older than the other, but thought no harm in letting her to another subject.

“The woman stopped yell at them and turned her attention and mouth to me. ‘Hell no, moron, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 10 and the other one is seven. You blind or just plain stupid?’

“Now, I did my best to hold my tongue, but I just couldn’t help myself. I said, ‘Ma’am, I’m neither blind nor stupid. I just can’t believe that someone drank enough beer and was still able to keep it up twice to have sex with you. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.’

“My supervisor told me I was probably in the wrong line of work.”

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