Send away that day. /
That one! I don’t want it. /
It is called Monday.
Filed under 2017, Sunday silliness
Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.
Since the tall writer won the eighth round, the short writer was allowed to go first for round nine. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was “job.”
Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.
Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.
After thinking a moment, the short writer asked for a needle. It took a moment, but when it arrived, it was a sewing needle, which wasn’t what he was hoping for, so he asked for a well done steak. When the steak arrived, sizzling on a plate, he jabbed the needle into it and held up the steak and needle. “Acupuncture is a jab well done.”
This immediately drew a long moan from the crowd, then a few laughs.
A few more laughs came when the short writer began eating the steak. “No sense wasting a prop.”
The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a rolling and some rolls. It took a few moments, but when those arrived, he stood up, held up the rolls, and then waved the rolling pin in the air. “Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.”
The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and there were a few laughs, particularly after the short writer asked to look at the tray of rolls. He snatched one from the center and ate it with his steak.
It was almost all the tall writer could do to keep from hitting the short writer on the head with the rolling pin.
It was close, but round eight went to the short writer. The short writer now had 4 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.” The tall writer also had 3 wins, 4 losses, and 2 ties.
Filed under 2017, Monday morning writing joke
There once was a woman named Tart /
who thought she would be rather smart. /
She wore her bra on her head /
so when she took men to bed, /
they’d start near head, not her heart.
Filed under 2017, Monday morning writing joke, poetry by author
First writer: “Why is there music coming from the printer?”
Second writer: “That would be the paper jamming again.”
Filed under 2017, Monday morning writing joke
Q.: What’s the definition of a will?
A.: A dead giveaway.
Filed under 2017, Monday morning writing joke
A policeman is dispatched to the home of an older woman who has shot her husband for walking on just mopped floor. He radios in that he is on the scene.
Dispatch: “Have you taken her into custody?”
Officer: “Not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Filed under 2017, Monday morning writing joke
Q. Why did the non-fiction author break up with the novelist?
A. Because they could agree if fact was stranger than fiction.
Filed under 2017, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
A writer goes to his doctor.
Writer: “Doc, can you give me something? I’ve been trying to write for a year now, but can’t get it done.”
Doctor: “Are you saying you suffer from writer’s block?”
Writer: “That’s my story.”
Doctor: “If that’s your story, how can you have writer’s block?”
The writer then goes to his psychiatrist.
Writer: “Doc, can you give me something? I’ve been trying to write for a year now, but can’t get it done.”
Psychiatrist: “Are you saying you suffer from writer’s block?”
Writer: “That’s what I said.”
“Not exactly.”
“What does that mean?”
Psychiatrist: “It means your problems are rooted in your expectations.”
“Yes,” the writer said. “I’m expecting you to help me.”
In desperation the writer goes to his mother.
Writer, in tears: “Mom, I’ve been trying to write for a year now, but can’t get it done.”
Mom: “Why’s that?”
Writer: “I think I suffer from writer’s block.”
Mom: “You know, your Dad had that same problem when I married him, and I was able to help him.”
Writer, his face brightening: “How, Mom, how?!”
Mom: “I had you and the bum had to find a job and go to work.”
Filed under 2017, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
First writer: “My editor told me my flashbacks were so weak they needed new batteries.”
Second writer: “What did you say?”
First writer: “I said, ‘You know, that reminds me of the first time you….’”
Filed under 2017, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
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