Tag Archives: LinkedIn

True story: testicular “arrest”

[Editor’s note: some things you can’t make up. While the national media has rightly been poking (pardon the pun) fun at the Tennessee State legislature for some of the asinine legislation it has passed this session, this was going on in a neighboring state.]

Sources: http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/may/07/another-testicle-ticket-written-in-south/?partner=popular

Another testicle ticket written in South Carolina

Associated Press

Monday, May 7, 2012

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (AP) — For the second time in a year, a motorist has been ticketed in South Carolina for displaying a replica of testicles on a vehicle.

A Spartanburg County sheriff’s deputy stopped a truck Sunday evening after noticing the “anatomically correct” display on the rear bumper. The incident report says the driver removed the display after being stopped but he was arrested for driving without a license. He was also given a warning ticket for having an obscene display.

Last July, a Berkeley County woman was ticketed for having a similar display on the back of her truck.

That case is to go to trial in municipal court in the town of Bonneau. That trial has been delayed three times and no new trial date has been set.

[Some final commentary in haiku form:

Testicle arrest:
lifelike on the dash. Driver
in pain; wife arraigned.

Hemingway once claimed that the shortest story he knew of was: “For sale: pair of baby’s shoes. Never used.” I challenge you to take the news article above and turn it into a short short short story or poem. You can paste the results in the Leave a Reply section of this blog entry.]

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Every here and then

Yes, we all must live /
in the here and now — at least /
every now and then.

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Perigee pairing

Dancing alone, the
Full Moon spied her and offered
his hand: perigee.

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Found story: The Last Bookshop

The last bookshop man in the world sat alone in his small store. There was a knock on the door. Startled, he looked up from his science fiction book to find the woman of his dreams standing in the doorway, wearing very little at all. And though she was an android, it had been a long time, so he proposed something indecent to her.

Chair in the last bookshop

The last bookshop

She smiled at him, not without some sympathy, then said, “Not tonight, honey, I have to reformat.”

She then turned and left the room.

He put the book back on the shelf and went to another section.

#

The last bookshop man in the world sat alone in his store. There was a knock on his door.

Before he could answer, the door swung open and a man in a fedora with a tommy gun barged in and started spraying the room with bullets.

The man with the machine gun aimed high, but was bringing his aim lower and lower, yelling over the noise that “The Boss” had sent him to get “the dame.” So where was she?

The last man barely had time to dive to the floor and even then he heard one speeding over his head.

The gun ran out of bullets. The man with the fedora backed out of the room and disappeared.

magazine from the last bookshop

Old magazine from the shelves of the last bookshop


The bookshop man slowly picked himself up, limped to the door, and shut it. He could not be sure if the man with the gun was another android, but he put the Hammett novel back on the shelf just to be safe.

#

The last bookshop man in the world sat alone in his store.

This time a Conan-like brute with a broadsword did not bother to knock, but kicked the door open and charged into the room, swinging. He hit books, slicing the spines, knocking them off the shelves. He hit shelves, splintering wood, embedding his sword.

He yelled something about a woman, or that’s what the last man thought he heard.

Because the room was small, Conan-like was having trouble getting a full, strong swing of his massive sword. Still, as he stomped toward the last man, the last man was not sure how he would escape this one. The same thing preventing this Conan type from getting a complete swing of his sword was also prevent his escape.

The last bookshop man was sure this was going to be his last. Then the scantily clad android woman appeared in the door and announced, “I’m reformatted.”

The Conan-like man jerked his sword out of the shelf, turned, and lunged toward her.

She squealed in an almost mechanical way and ran away, the muscle-bound Conan-like in determined pursuit.

The last bookshop man slumped into his chair and waited for his heart rate to return to normal.

#

The last bookshop man in the world sat alone in his store. This time, there was a lock on his door. This time, he was reading haikus.

[Editor’s note: inspired by a visit to Central Street Books, dealer in old and rare books, in Knoxville, TN.]

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Drawing conclusions: Geek Speak

Speaking Geek

Speaking Geek is not that hard.

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W.W.W.W.: rejection

No Respect cartoon

Rejection might not be “forever.”

I’m a writer and I don’t get no respect. Just the other day I got a rejection notice. Not only was it a one-page form letter, photocopied cockeyed on the copy machine, the self-addressed stamped envelope came postage due — and I had used two forever stamps!

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Jesus redeemed

Jesus redeemed

In redeeming even a small part of the Earth, we redeem ourselves.

Jesus tossed among /
the trash in the creek; redeemed /
by a boy: Earth Day.

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The blathering idiot and poetry

The blathering idiot knew April was poetry month and he thought he could impress his on again, off again girl friend Zoey with a poem or two. But the month was running out and he had not yet thought of anything poetic to write, though he had taken the time to study some about poetry making.

Additionally, after the restaurant fiasco where he had waited and waited and waited for an employee to come and wash his hands because the sign in the rest room clearly said: Employees must wash hands, and this caused him to leave Zoey’s young daughter Xenia sitting by herself for over 30 minutes, which she then reported to her mother, well, his relationship with Zoey had cooled once again.

So, this was his chance, though a part of him was beginning to wonder why he should care.

He started with something at least a little familiar:

Roses are red and violets are blue
Your eyes are weird and you are, too.

The blathering idiot was proud to have gotten three rhymes in two lines, but the more he looked at the couplet, the more he realized Zoey would not appreciate his poetic efforts at assonance. At least that what he thought it was called. She would probably say he was just being one.

He then tried something that incorporated the month:

The month of poetry is about to end
The rains of April have been real thin.
A new month stands about to begin.
May nouns, verbs & rain come again.

Blatheriing Idiot as poet

Once upon a poem dreary....

There wasn’t anything about Zoey or love or stuff like that in that poem. He tried several more, and then several more after that. He tried haikus. He tried sonnets. He tried free verse and blank verse and some things to which he was adverse. Finally, in desperation, he tried limericks. First one. Then a second. And finally, he came up with one that wasn’t quite what he had in mind, but it did capture his mood, and might express to Zoey how he felt since she wasn’t talking to him much since the restaurant incident:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who went on a dinner date and got stuck with it.
Not the bill, I say,
though that, too, came his way,
but the knife in his heart and the luck of it.

He read it and reread it and re-reread it, and then finally decided to put it in an envelope and mail it to her. He wasn’t from Nantucket – wherever that was – but she knew that. And while it didn’t directly mention love, love was there. And while Zoey wasn’t mentioned directly, she was in there, too.

He could only hope it wouldn’t give her too many ideas.

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Crested Butte Writers Conference, June 22-24, 2012

[Editor’s note: Every now and then, I get e-mails about writers’ conferences, most of which I have never gone to. I have not been to the one below, but thought I would pass along the information. Before you go, check it out. I’m not saying this conference or any other is trying to take advantage of you, just that not every conference will be right for you, and it is best to find that out before you sign up. Certainly, if you attend this or have attended any others and you would recommend it, send the information my way.]

Crested Butte Writers Conference — June 22-24, 2012

Source: http://crestedbuttewriters.org/conf.php

Intimate:

A small conference designed to be friendly and cozy with the caliber of a large conference
Casual, small-group workshops encourage personal connection
A Pie in the Sky book signing where fans share dessert and conversation with favorite authors
Sandy Contest finalists share their experiences on a panel at the awards luncheon
Genre-Specific Informal Get-Together
Readings at Elevation Hotel lobby – We gather one evening to kick off our shoes, sip a drink, while sitting back and enjoying short readings from our Sandy Finalists and local poets and talented writers.

Interactive:

Pitch & Pages – unique efficient method of granting agent/ editor appointments
Advanced Read and Critique Masters Add-on Class – Thursday afternoon critique opportunity with attending agents and editors as well as other class participants

– New!

Plenty of free time to network and explore the area while making new writing friends
Opportunity during the Saturday Readers in the Rockies Day to interact with readers
Enthusiastic and accessible agents, editors, and guest authors

Inspiring:

Nestled in the beautiful West Elk Mountains of Colorado
Affordable
Gourmet Meals. Check out our menu choices before registering.
Comfortable as well as affordable accommodations
Group discounts – Groups of five or more friends/members of a writing group or complete strangers sign up together for the Conference, receive a $50 per person discount

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Writing tip: a writer can’t just be a writer

Should You Focus on Your Writing or Your Platform?

by Jane Friedman

April 27, 2012

Source: http://writerunboxed.com/2012/04/27/should-you-focus-on-your-writing-or-your-platform/#more-14057

Craft!

Platform!

Craft!!

Platform!!

It’s a debate that might span eternity: how much time should you devote to writing versus platform building?

I don’t know if there was ever a real beginning to this debate, but if so, it was when editors and agents started telling nonfiction authors that their book was only viable if a platform was in place. Which made sense for technological and cultural reasons. Take the ease of word processing and affordable personal computers, add Baby Boomers with free time to pursue their dreams, and presto! Suddenly there were more people than ever trying to write a book and get it published, with limited skills and experience, and often no credentials.

So what does a well-meaning agent or editor say to one of these people? The easiest thing to say is: You need a platform.

Fast forward a decade or two, and we now live inside an unending media conversation wheel, where anyone can find a niche readership, do solid work on building a platform, and even put writing on the backburner—and still reasonably claim to be a writer.

I think there’s a backlash against some of these people, which I understand. It’s applying the entrepreneurial, get-rich-quick Tim Ferriss mindset to the world of literature, where we tend to believe that blood, sweat, and tears (and rejection) are demanded before you gain recognition.

Plus: Real writers write. (Right?) They don’t tweet, they don’t blog, they don’t connect with readers, at least not joyfully.

I exaggerate, but you know the people I’m talking about.

The horrible catch is—at least for beginning writers without fame and fortune, who are starting their careers in a transitioning industry—focusing on your writing work to the exclusion of all else can hamper you later down the road. If you shut yourself away and don’t learn to navigate the online world (the personalities, the flow of conversations, the tools), you’re terribly disadvantaged when it comes time to get a publisher, market your work, and find readers.

Excellent arguments reside on each side of this debate, which often boil down to: “Writing is all that matters,” and “audience is all that matters.”

But the truth is a little different for each of us, and that’s why it’s next to impossible to give general advice on platform. It necessarily varies based on the author and the work in question.

But it does rip me apart to hear very new writers feel anxious that they can’t figure out their platform, especially when they have not a single book or credit to their name.

Well, it’s not a mystery why platform is so confusing when you don’t know who you are yet as a writer!

This has been a very long preface to what I’d like to offer: a set of general guidelines to help any writer understand how to balance writing with platform building.

Balance is the key word here.

Focusing on your writing probably means spending 10%-25% of your available writing time on platform activities. I never recommend abandoning platform activities entirely, because you want to be open to new possibilities. Being active online—while still focused on your writing—could mean finding a new mentor or the perfect critique partner, connecting with an important influencer, or pursuing a new writing retreat or fellowship opportunity.

Without further ado, the list.

When to focus more on your writing:

If you are within the first five years of seriously attempting to write with the goal of publication
For novelists: If you have not yet completed and revised one or two full-length manuscripts
If you can tell that what you’re writing is falling short of where you want and need to be
If you see a direct correlation between the amount of writing you put out and the amount of money that comes into your bank account (the JA Konrath model)
If you are working on deadline.

When to focus more on your platform:

If you start to realize you’re on the verge of publication
If you have a firm book release date of any kind
If you want to sell a nonfiction book concept (non-narrative)
If you intend to profit from online/digital writing that you are creating, distributing, and selling on your own
If you need to prove to a publisher or agent that your work has an audience.

Brief Bio.: Jane Friedman is a professor of media and writing at the University of Cincinnati, and the former publisher of Writer’s Digest. Visit her at JaneFriedman.com, for regular insights into the future of publishing.

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