Filed under almost eight, artist, Cartoon, child, humor, Mom, paint, Philosopher
The blathering idiot was about to take a flight. He rarely flew, so he was particularly concerned with the possibility of not landing, or not landing correctly. Especially with the recent spate of air traffic controllers falling asleep, discussions of Christian Armageddon/Rapture, Mayan End of Time, and general pronouncements from certain pundits that America was on the wrong track and headed for its death, he didn’t want to get caught short, though he wasn’t quite sure what short was or why getting caught short was a bad thing. Did that mean getting caught tall was a good thing? The blathering idiot was of middling height, so where did that leave him, he wondered.
The blathering idiot made all the arrangements. He wrote out a will, though he wasn’t quite sure how to test it so it could be will and testament. He made provisions for somebody to take care of his dog. He left a love note for his on again, off again, maybe again girl friend Zelda, and a few words of advice in a note for her daughter Xenia. He hoped that she would understand to definitely NOT take any wooden nickels. Though he had never seen one himself, he heard they were a bad thing. If nothing else, it might mean you’d one day reach your hand in your pocket and find you had a pocket full of splinters.
After all the other arrangements were made, there was still one the blathering idiot had not made: his epitaph. He had thought long and hard about this. What to say that would sum up his life in a few words. He spoke with different religious leaders of different faiths and even looked in several holy books, but nothing quite suited him.
He looked up epitaphs of famous people. He didn’t quite understand the one that read: “All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” But maybe he would after he was dead. He looked at the epitaphs of the not-so-famous people in big graveyard near his house. (He did not discuss it with Zelda. Things were off again with her and what she would probably recommend would not be what he would want resting above him for eternity, particularly if her last words when they broke up were any indication.)
He asked a few of his friends. One said say something witty. Another said, why say anything at all?
As the flight time was fast approaching, in an act of desperation, the blathering idiot consulted books and documents. Over and over again, a certain set of words kept appearing. He wasn’t quite sure why there were on the pages they were on. These pages were often blank, except for these words. Maybe this was a sign. Also, he had not seen them on a gravestone before, so they might have the advantage of being one of a kind, and the blathering idiot liked the idea of being one of a kind.
The person who would have his headstone carved in the event of the inevitable looked at the words and then looked at the blathering idiot oddly. Finally, he shrugged and said, “It’s your funeral.”
THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
Filed under absurdity, air, Armageddon, Blank, blathering idiot, Cartoon, Christian, End of Time, humor, imagination, Mayan, Random Access Thoughts, Rapture, satire, traffic controller, words, writing
Found this on the back of an old paperback book published in 1949. In describing himself, the author writes: “Yes, I have actually mined coal, and distilled liquor,
James M. Cain brief biography
Don’t know that you would find a brief author write up in the back of a book quite so colorful today.
I found this book at a local used book shop called Central Street Books. The original price was 50 cents, but I paid $4, and that was primarily because I liked the brief author autobiography on the back.
Filed under author write up, blurb, drink, James M. Cain, pink dress, words, writer, writing
If anyone is interested in publishing a book — fiction or nonfiction — the Knoxville Writers’ Guild has a great workshop this Saturday.
Chris Hebert is an acquisitions editor at the University of Michigan Press. He’s the guy at the receiving end of author query letters and can provide invaluable advice on what works and what doesn’t. He also knows what it’s like from the author’s end: HarperCollins is publishing his first novel, The Boiling Season, next year. (His wife has also published a novel with Simon & Schuster).
This is a rare chance to talk at length with a publishing insider about selling a book.
The workshop will be held from 1 to 3:30 p.m. on Saturday, June 4 at the Redeemer Church, 1642 Highland Ave., Knoxville, TN. Cost is $20 for members and $25 for nonmembers. To register, go to http://www.knoxvillewritersguild.org/orderpaypal.htm
Filed under editor, Knoxville Writers' Guild, publishers, publishing, writer, writing, writing tip
photo of Mark Twain
Unfortunately, there are fewer editors around these days, the victims of corporate downsizing many of them, so you will probably have to do this yourself, but it might just work. Every time you want to write “very,” write “damn” instead, then read the story out loud. Just don’t do it at an open mike night.
To learn more about Mark Twain: Mark Twain.
Filed under advice, editor, humor, Mark Twain, words, words to be wary of, writer, writing, writing tip
In an effort to help those who may have been hit by the onslaught of marketing slurry that passes through the English language, every now and then, I will post some words or phrases that are absurd, unless you are in marketing, sales, or some other line of work where junking up the language is simply a way of life. To start, I submit two:
Free Gift. By its definition, a gift is free, at least to the recipient. If somebody gives you a gift that’s not free, then it is not a gift.
Truly Unique. Can something be falsely unique? Unique means one of a kind. Doesn’t matter if it is a good one of a kind, or a bad one of a kind, it is a one of a kind. If it is unique, by its definition it is true to itself because it is one of a kind.
Filed under bird, Cartoon, child, humor, Philosopher, Random Access Thoughts, Uncategorized
If money were no object
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, figment, humor, imagination, paycheck, satire, word play, words, writing
My writing is distinctly middle brow. Just ask anybody who has suffered through it. Still, I like to think that even in my middling way, I can offer some helpful advice when I stumble across it. Therefore, from time to time, I will post some writing advice, but not from me. The advice will come from established sources. I will endeavor not to make it overlong or overreaching, and sometimes it will simply be reminders of what we all probably already know, but it will be some tips I have picked up from reading, from attending writing conferences, or it may even come from you.
Darma is conflict, sometimes even self-inflicted
Drama is conflict;
Without conflict no action;
Without action no character;
Without character no story;
Without story, who cares?
In a future entry, I’ll give you a short, crisp definition for conflict that I learned at a more recent one-day writing seminar. It comes from a very highly regarded script doctor in Hollywood, but applies just as well to other forms of fiction writing. Stay turned.
Filed under advice, building a better story, character, conflict, drama, story, tension, words, writing, writing conference, writing tip
photo of Mark Twain
And somehow, if you don’t know who Mark Twain is, here’s where you can get a clue: Mark Twain.
Filed under advice, humor, Mark Twain, quote, Quote of the day, words, writer, writing, writing tip
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