From the local newspaper, two TV listings that caught my eye:
(COOK) Extra Virgin Gabriele and Debi get chickens from fresh eggs.
[Is this an example of the philosophical conundrum: which came first, the chicken or the (fresh) egg?]
(HGTV) Donna Decorates Dallas A teen wants a rich, Texas hunting lodge-style in his room.
[I guess it wasn’t enough that Debbie did Dallas already, now it has to be decorated in a rich, Texas hunting lodge style. And for a teen, no less.]
Filed under abbreviations, absurdity, humor, Random Access Thoughts, Random thought, TV listings, word play, words
IRS notice,
There are arrears reckoned on your account over a period of 2010-2011 year.
You will find all calculations according to your financial debt, enclosed.
Sincerely,
IRS.
&&&&
Attached to this phishing e-mail, which was addresses to a number of e-mail addresses, was a zip folder. I would not recommend opening it. My reckon is that if I opened the attachment, a virus would put my computer in arrears.
888888
The apothecary was almost done making the cough drops, but the Kibitzer was tired of watching. He ho-hummed to himself, took another bite of some slightly stale popcorn, and decided watching was not always what he had pictured it would be. It was a very unpleasant observation and it did not sit well him or his stomach. The popcorn didn’t help. He belched once in hopes of relief.
It was during the descent of the belch out of his mouth that he heard what sounded like a pop, saw the delivery boy run out of the saloon, and then watched as lightning tripped the light fantastic across the kid’s body.
He then saw another two or three people scurry out of the saloon as if escaping an unpleasantry, like a distant relative’s interminable funeral or a spelling bee where they were next up and the word was interminable.
The Kibitzer forgot all about the cough drops and stepped outside, glancing toward the sky as if somehow he could observe a bolt of lightning before it hit him, and then considered running through the rain to the other side of the street.
That’s when a young lady came up and kneed him in the groin.
The Kibitzer dropped to the wooden sidewalk, balled up, and began rocking back and forth as if it might dissipate the pain.
“My name’s Bonnie,” she said, leaning over him. “No man leaves my apothecary without payin’ for what he ordered.”
“I wasn’t leaving,” the Kibitzer said, his teeth still clenched.
Finally, he rolled over onto all fours.
“Didn’t you see the kid out there? He got struck by lightning?”
Bonnie shrugged. “Happens a lot lately. He’ll be okay. Nobody in this town dies anymore. Been bad for my business, I tell you.”
The Kibitzer was again standing fully erect, if feeling a little tender. The rain had slackened to almost a light drizzle.
“We already lost two undertakers and the saw bones has gone back to yankin’ teeth. If it weren’t for medicinals for that, I’d probably be blowin’ in the wind, too.” She then slipped him the bill for the cough drops.
The Kibitzer looked at it. “What, no discount for the laying on of hands?”
She smiled at him, then raised her hand. In the muddled light of the evening, she still looked quite menacing. “I didn’t finish.”
The Kibitzer paid her and gave her a generous tip.
He then dashed out into the rain, forgetting the cough drops.
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[Editor’s note: This is another one of those you can’t make this up stories. It’s all about how a dirty room lead to a football team’s downfall.]
A mother complaining on Facebook about her sons’ messy room led to Class 1A football power Perry County vacating three wins.
The Vikings, ranked third in Class 1A, will not be able to count wins over Cornersville, Forrest and Lewis County because they used two ineligible players.
Offensive linemen Rodney and Ryan Belasic were declared ineligible by the Tennessee Secondary School Athletic Association because their entire family does not live in Perry County.
“(Perry County) inadvertently played ineligible athletes in the first three ballgames,” TSSAA Executive Director Bernard Childress said. “It was two brothers that transferred. They got a residence in Perry County, but they had not vacated their residence completely in Henry County.”
Perry County’s record is 2-0. The win over Cornersville win was a Region 6-A game.
Childress said school officials thought the players’ entire family had moved to Perry County during the summer.
“But the mother actually works in Henry County, and she posted on her Facebook page that she sent the kids back to Perry County for the week and that she would not see them again until Friday night,” Childress said. “Then, later on her Facebook page, she posted, ‘How can two boys mess up their room as badly as they do when they’re only here on Saturday and Sunday?’ ”
Coaches and administrators in the Perry County area reported the Facebook posts to the TSSAA, which began interviewing the family.
When Childress notified Perry County of the potential problem two weeks ago, Vikings Coach Michael Harrison removed the Belasics from the team.
“We are sorry that this investigation happened and that the two players were deemed ineligible,” Harrison said in an emailed statement. “We hope to put this investigation behind us and move forward.”
The TSSAA defines a bona fide change of residence as “a move from one community to another that justifies a change of schools. Where a family continues to maintain a previous residence for the residential purposes of that family or any of its members, the move is not one that justifies a change of schools for purposes of the TSSAA bylaws.”
Cornersville, Forrest and Lewis County will keep the losses from Perry County on their records.
Individual statistics from those games still count. Quarterback Jacob Tucker is 93 yards from breaking the state career record for total offense and 13 touchdowns from the state career record.
Gladney dies: Buford Gladney, who won 127 games and a state championship in 16 seasons as football coach at Spring Hill, died Sunday following an illness. He was 66. Visitation is from 3-7 p.m. Wednesday and funeral services will be held at 11 a.m. Thursday, both at Oakes & Nichols Funeral Home in Columbia.
Contact Chip Cirillo at 615-664-2194 or ccirillo@tennessean.com. Contributing: Maurice Patton.
Filed under brothers, dirty room, Facebook, football, high school, humor, true story
I'm not sure what to make of this offer on Twitter. If she thinks I am somehow one of these women in the guise of a not-so-slim-waisted man, she would definitely be disappointed.
As a recent member of Twitter, it sometimes surprises me what can get done with only 140 characters.
Take this offer, for example. Certainly the name should say it all: “Jenny Breastits.” But to further drive home the point, she is “@LovelySoftBoobs.” And if that is not enough, her description makes it absolutely clear what she loves.
What I don’t understand is why she wants to follow my tweets? I am not a woman, don’t have the naturally full items she is most interested in, and I possess a not so slim waist. If she thinks I am harboring any of these things, she is suffering from delusions I cannot even begin to fathom.
Twitter may have a limit of 140 characters, but it does seem that at times, all of those characters are odd.
Filed under absurdity, fun, humor, odd, puns, Random Access Thoughts, Random thought, sex, slim waist, social media, true story, twitter
There once was a man with waders
Who thought he might find him some gators
down at his creek,
where the trash did seep
left often by unkind invaders.
Man trying on waders, getting ready for First Creek Greenway Cleanup, Saturday, September 24th, 9 AM to noon,
It was Saturday, September 24th
when the man and his friends set a course.
from nine until noon
and not a moment too soon
to put an end to this trashy discourse.
So come to First Creek and discover
“treasures” left by some unkind others:
shopping carts and flat tires,
pay phones, couches, and wires
and stuff that the creek tries to smother.
Bring tools and gloves for your hands;
pick up trash for as long as you can.
Once done, we will eat
Magpies cupcakes, Three Rivers treats
and be glad we helped the creek and the land.
Magpies cupcakes and Three Rivers Market treats will be served up after the cleanup.
Filed under cleanup, creek, First Creek, fun, Greenway, humor, limerick, Magpies, Old North Knoxville, poem, poetry, story poem, Three Rivers Market, trash, waders, water, word play, words, writing
The blathering idiot went to the dermatologist. Once the examination was over and the doctor had looked at his knuckle pads and his tinea versicolor, the dermatologist pronounced him a case of idiopathic medicine.
At first the blathering idiot felt insulted. While not the brightest bulb in the box or the sharpest saw on the rack, he did not consider himself an idiot, and he told the doctor so.
The doctor smiled, and then said, idiopathic means “modern medicine does not know the cause of either of your conditions.”
He then explained that for the knuckle pads, “we usually do nothing, unless they start causing you pain.”
For the tinea versicolor, a naturally occurring fungus that is in everybody’s skin, “it just runs a little wild in some people,” he gave the blathering idiot a prescription, then said of having two idiopathic conditions, “It just means you’re special.”
That made the blathering idiot feel better.
He then went to his local pharmacy to turn in his prescription. As he turned in the script, he saw a sign glued beneath the lip of the counter that read: “Select narcotics in time-delay safe.”
When the pharmacy technician took his prescription, the blathering idiot asked, “Which ones can I select?”
“Which what?” the tech asked.
“Which narcotics?” the blathering idiot said.
She looked at his prescription. “Your script doesn’t say anything about a narcotic.”
“But I can select one, right?”
She frowned. “No.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not supposed to get any.”
Select Narcotics in Time Delay Safe
“It does not.”
“Yes, it does.”
“Where?”
He pointed at the sign. “Here!”
“It does not—”
“Yes, it does.” Clearly this young woman had not heard that he, the blathering idiot, was special. “Come out here and see.”
“I can’t.”
“Can’t what? Read?”
She glared at him. “I can’t come out there. It’s against the rules. I am the only person on duty back here right now and the rules say I can’t leave my station.”
“All I want is what the sign says I should select.”
“I think you should go to another pharmacy,” she said and offered him back the script. To be sure he understood, she pressed an intercom button and asked for “special assistance” in the pharmacy.
Insulted when a guard appeared, the blathering idiot snatched the script and marched out the door and to the next nearest pharmacy. As he walked up to the pharmacy counter, he again found the words: “Select narcotics in time delay safe” and hoped he would have better luck here.
Filed under absurdity, blathering idiot, dermatologist, doctor, fiction, humor, idiopathic, puns, Random Access Thoughts, Random thought, tall tales, word play, words, writing
Captured on pixels and only on pixels. Don't try this at home, unless you want to be silly.
Who says you need a professional photography to get a good portrait photo? suitable for framing, for use on resumes, or to simply impress a date on your dating web site page or personal blog. And for the mere price of three easy installments of $39.95 each, I will teach you the same tricks and tips that I know.
How come most of the “people” that want to follow me on this social medium are diet gurus, body part enlargement specialists, and get rich quick schemers? Don’t they know I’m a multi-plus sized coach potato with a sweaty beer in one hand, a twitchy remote in the other, and a wallet flatter than a left-over night of pleasure?
Filed under absurdity, beer, diet, guru, humor, Random Access Thoughts, Random thought, remote control, satire, social media, twitter, word play, words, writing
Booker's Blog 
The Darwin Awards: The true blathering idiots
On days when you don’t feel as bright or with it as you normally do, consider these folks, nominees and winner of the Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards is given annually to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing himself in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Some of these may make you both laugh and cry.
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
[Editor’s comment: at the price of gas, wouldn’t cheap mouthwash have been a better choice?]
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
[Editor’s comment: This is not what is meant by the moon over San Paulo.]
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma.”
[Editor’s comment: clearly a case of gravity assisted suicide. If only the earth hadn’t gotten in the way.]
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was hospitalized.
[Editor’s comment: clearly the snake was being a spoiled sport.]
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers.
[Editor’s comment: Clearly an example of a career-limiting move.]
And Now, for the winner of this year’s Darwin Award –
(As always, awarded posthumously):
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 – 25 seconds. The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this “rocket scientist” attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
[Editor’s comment: Apparently, some things still do take a rocket scientist.]
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