Hmmm ... wonder what marketing genuis thought up this?
Would you buy glasses from a company that promotes being “Blinde”?
Are they blind to something? Something they don’t see?
As a person who has worn glasses most of his life, I don’t get this. Without my glasses I am “blind” (very nearsighted), and now with my glasses I can be “Blinde”?
Filed under absurdity, eye glasses, humor, photograph, question of the day
Some things endure fall
“Honest, prof,” the physics major said. “It was either split my infinities or split my infinitives, and to boldly chose, I choose the later.”
“The structure of a sentence may not be as wondrous as that of the universe,” the English professor said, doing his best to keep his umbrage in check. “But let me assure you, young Einstein, that to split your infinitives instead of your infinities has forced me to put an end to your escapades with an un-split grade of ‘F.’”
From that day forward, the physics student split infinitives no more, going to and fro, but boldly no more.
So what moral can you take from this little tale of woe?
Split your wood, split your pants, split your atoms, and if you must, split your mind, but to split your infinitives can lead to an infinitely bad time.
Filed under absurdity, apropos of nothing at all, humor, word play
On the political front:
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
[Editor’s note: Only the line “Sir, I knew Jack Kennedy and you’re no Jack Kennedy” comes close to this in recent U.S. politics. Too bad we don’t have more of it.]
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
Do opposites attract?
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill
Words for the dead and dying:
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb
On the literary front:
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
Moses Hadas
Literary point and counterpoint:
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” –
Winston Churchill, in response:
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second …. if there is one.”
Musical accompaniment:
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
Billy Wilder
Instead of saying your mother wears army boots:
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker
For the man (or woman) who has everything:
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand
When the evening has come and gone not the way you hoped:
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx
The last word, or not:
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Mark Twain
Filed under humor, Mark Twain, quote, Woirds to live by, word play, words
The blathering idiot had a blue tooth device for his cell phone. One of those devices that fits in the ear and wirelessly syncs to your cell so you can talk and receive calls while being hands free. The ear piece makes you look important or stupid. Zelda, the blathering idiot’s on-again, off-again girl friend had bought the device for him and he had eventually learned to work it. When he first wore it, she laughed and said he looked like a goofy Borg. It was then he told her she needed to lose a little weight.
There was one problem with the blue tooth. Every now and then, the voice in the blue tooth ear piece would announce in his ear: “There is no active phone.”
He would then move, sometimes not very much, and he would hear the voice say: “Your phone is connected.”
Zelda was away, and besides she was mad at him, so he couldn’t ask her for help.
Instead, he planned to experiment.
First, he laid his cell phone down and walked away from it until the voice in his ear said: “No active phone connected.”
It wasn’t that far, but farther from his hip to his ear.
He next walked around a corner into another room. After a few steps, heard it again: “No active phone connected.” Then “Your phone is connected” when he came back around the corner.
He then decided it must be corners. He would avoid going around corners. If he had to make a turn, he had to make it a 90-degree turn.
He worked to avoid corners, but eventually he would bend his body to avoid a corner, or even make himself sit down to think how he was going to avoid a corner, and he would hear the voice: “No active phone connected.”
Beware of the blue tooth's byte
Finally, one day he sat down and he turned his head to the left to see where he had placed his candy bar. His phone was on his right side. He heard the voice. He reached down to touch the phone, to make sure it was still there. Instead he accidentally touched his body fat. He pushed it aside and he head: “Your phone is connected.”
He let it go and he heard: “No active phone connected.”
He put down his Snickers bar and went outside for a walk.
Filed under absurdity, blathering idiot, blue tooth, Cartoon, humor, satire, story
The strands come undone.
My words cannot bind my deeds.
Heart sick, thoughts empty.
I have a haunted bathroom,
A sink that runs with blood.
I have a haunted bathroom,
It’s full of grime and crud.
I have a haunted bathroom,
From toilet nary a stink.
I have a haunted bathroom,
Because a ghost there stops to drink.
I have a haunted bathroom,
Its walls are cracked and old.
I have a haunted bathroom,
It’s a place too scary for mold.
I have a haunted bathroom,
A bathtub full of red.
I have a haunted bathroom,
An alien bathes there it is said.
I have a haunted bathroom
A cracked mirror in which to stare.
I have a haunted bathroom.
It is beyond repair.
I have a haunted bathroom
With a curtain nice and thick.
I have a haunted bathroom,
If you open it, you’ll say, “Ick!”
I have a hauted bathroom....
I have a haunted bathroom,
With a picture of my home.
I have a haunted bathroom,
A place I like to roam.
I have a haunted bathroom,
Come visit me on Halloween.
I have a haunted bathroom,
The spookiest you’ve ever seen.
The misunderstood PPE gargles
Are related to the ancient fargles.
They live in a land
Of neither rock nor sand,
But they fit over eyes like sparkles.
These oddly named PPE gargles
Can only be worn by gargoyles.
When they sit on the edge
Of a building or ledge
The gargles give their eyes stargles.
These stargles come out in the night
When there is no moon or no light.
And only the gargoyles can see
With their gargles PPE
All the wonders and terrible frights.
Fargles were gargles of a time
When the gargoyles lived in the brine.
And all they could see
Without the fargles that be
Was the salt, the sea, and the grime.
Gargoyle with his PPE gargles
Filed under abreviation, absurdity, animals, Cartoon, fargles, fun, gargles, gargoyle, Halloween, holiday, humor, imagination, poem, poetry, PPE, Random Access Thoughts, Random thought, story poem, word play, words, writing
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
–Rich Cook
Filed under absurdity, computer, fun, humor, idiot-proof, programming, quote, Quote of the day, Rich Cook, software, Universe, word play
Some things need no commentary, but I have one below anyway.
Editor’s comment: Some say this is an example of why men should not write advice columns. I say it’s an example of missing the obvious. First, the advice guy should have told the writer to check to make sure there was enough gas in the car’s tank. An empty gas tank and a car will stall easily. Geez, some people never want to start with obvious.
Booker's Blog 