There once was a purveyor of F-bombs /
Who dropped them like words of a psalm. /
One day on a streak /
He went well passed his peak /
Now his voice squeaks with lavender charm.
Tag Archives: joke
Monday morning writing joke: “F-bomb”
Monday morning writing joke: “A Man of Subtle fun”
There once was man of subtle fun /
Who tried to make puns on the run /
But his display of verbal wit /
Didn’t go over for shit /
And left people mindless minus one.
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke, poetry by author
Monday morning writing joke: “Haulage of knowledge”
There once was a writer off for college /
All in the pursuit of higher knowledge. /
The four years they say /
Only got in the way /
And caused a great deal of haulage.
Filed under 2018, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
Monday (morning) writing joke: “Assault with a deadly language”
There once was a author from Brisbane /
who thought a writer from Lisbon /
tortured language in a way /
that was “an assault and pepper spray” /
a syntax attack, if not misprision.
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke, poetry by author
Monday (morning) writing joke: “The ride”
A writer and a genie were trapped in a stuck elevator.
Writer: “Can you get us out of this?”
Genie: “Is that your wish?”
Writer, after thinking about: “Maybe we’ll wait.”
They wait two hours. Then three. Then six. Then….
Finally the writer said: “I wish for everybody in this building to have a wish.”
The genie wasn’t sure what he was getting at by that wish, but there was nothing in the rules against wishing everybody in the building have a wish, so he granted it.
The elevator doors immediately opened. But before the writer could step out, the elevator doors slammed shut and the elevator plunged downward, then upward, then crashed through the building and when it finally stopped the elevator doors opened on hell. The flames shot into the elevator, growing larger, brighter, and hotter.
Shaken by the experience, the writer sputtered: “I wish I had never made my wish.”
The slammed shut. The fire was gone, and the elevator was exactly where it had been when the wishing first started.
Eventually the doors were opened and as the writer was helped out, somebody asked him how he had managed to survive over nine hours in such a small space with nothing to do.
The writer smiled: “I’m a writer. Many days I spend my time in a small space where nothing seems to happen. Usually my imagination fills in the gaps. This was more or less a typical day for me.”
Filed under 2018, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Shocking”
First writer: “Did you hear about the mystery writer whose husband kept asking Alexa for jokes?”
Second writer: “No, what happened?”
First writer: “He was found dead in his bathtub this morning. The police think he was ‘Alexa-cuted.'”
Second writer: “Self-inflicted or murder?”
First writer: “They don’t know, but the police are pretty sure she’ll make book on it.”
Filed under 2018, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
Monday (morning) writing joke: “Cut to the quick”
Paddy says to Mick, “I’m getting circumcised tomorrow.”
Mick says, “I had that done when I was a few days old.”
Paddy asks, “Does it hurt?”
Mick says, “Well I couldn’t walk for about a year.”
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “The Spoken Bird”
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .
Milton, the first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”
Marvin, the second oldest said, “And I had a large theater built in the house.”
Michael, the third son, said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
Melvin, the youngest, said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
The other brothers were impressed. Sometime after the celebration, Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much.”
Love, Mama
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Motives”
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunken Irishman sat down in a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was red and plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, too much drink, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and loose women, scruffy dressing and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered, “Well, I’ll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Writing Remember: your characters will often have hidden motives for the things they ask or do. Bring those motives into conflict, for serious or humorous results.
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Bones of a story”
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims, “Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew,” says the lion, “that was close! That old Doberman nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion.”
And there you have the bones of a story.
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke
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