Palo Alto, CA — Have you been cruel to your Internet? The Society for Prevention of Internet Cruelty (T-SPIC) would like to know.
Recent studies by this quasi-governmental, quasi-NGO (Non-governmental organization), quasi-modem group have revealed that up to 4 in 10 people are cruel to the Internet.
“It is often those unaware they abusing their Internet that are the worst offenders,” spokes-bot RU4ME recently stated in a released statement. “They spend unnecessary time on a web site, or even leave their browser up and focused not on one, but two, four, six and more tabs or windows open on web sites they will not visit again. Or they forward an e-mail to a group of friends and family, but never remove the three lists of thirty deep names of people who were forwarded to originally, then somebody in that group forwarded to thirty more people, and one of them forwarded to this person and twenty-nine others, and now this person is forwarding with all these other e-mails still showing, like a line of toilet paper stuck on your shoe during your wedding day march down the aisle.”
The Internet has feelings, too.
Then there are those who purposely target the Internet for cruelty. According to T-SPIC, there’s a man who lives in a small apartment in No Name, Kentucky, whose goal is to drive the Internet out of business. Toward that end, he mails out certificates to people all across the country saying they don’t have to pay their Internet bill for the next three months.
T-SPIC also claims to have a record of a woman who denies the Internet even exists. She claims it it is another one of those “gubment ho-axes,” like cell phones. “After all,” she says, “it was that gubment man Gore that claims he invented it. Next thing you know,” she goes on to say, “you’ll be telling me that moon landing malarkey was all real.”
RU4ME says if you suspect somebody of being cruel to the Internet, please give them a call. The number is 010-101-0101.
“Without the public’s help,” RU4ME stated in her statement, “we will not be able to put an end to this unspoken atrocity occurring right under our keystrokes.”
“The Internet is a vibrant, living entity,” RU4ME says. “It has feelings. Cruelty to the Internet is not a crime, but it ought to be.”
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