There once was a writer from Minsk /
who wrote once, but couldn’t write since /
Writers block, he would say, /
chipped his confidence away /
or so that was his pretense.
Tag Archives: joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Blockage”
Filed under Monday morning writing joke, poetry by author
Monday morning writing joke: “Grammar gremlin”
An alien crash lands on earth, wanders into a small town, finds the only house with a novelist in it and knocks on the door.
The novelist answers and after the initial shock of seeing such a strange creature, the creature hands him a note. It reads: “In your language, I have come to invade and conquer.”
The novelist scribbles something on a piece of notebook paper, tears it out, and hands it to the alien: “Why?”
The alien types in something on his keyboard and out prints his response: “Because you are weak and we are strong and this world has many things to offer us.”
“Does that include the asteroid on a collision course toward earth?” the novelist asks.
The alien thinks about that. After a moment, the alien turns and leaves.
The novelist turns back to his writing, knowing nobody would believe him if he put this incident in his novel: an alien with good grammar. Unbelievable. After all, fiction had to be believable.
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Running late”
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1. “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father. “Important thing is we’re all together today.”
Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”
The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep”, said the father, “Cheap ones too.”
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: ” Santa to a writer”
This Christmas season.
Santa Claus to a writer: “What do you want for Christmas?”
Writer: “A bestseller.”
Christmas morning the writer wakes up to find the latest New York Times bestseller wrapped and under his tree.
Next Christmas season.
Santa Claus to the same writer: “What do you want for Christmas?”
Writer: “My own bestseller.”
Christmas morning the writer wakes up to find the latest New York Times bestseller autographed to him by the author wrapped and under his tree.
The Christmas season after that.
Santa Claus to the same writer: “What do you want for Christmas?”
Writer: “A bestseller that I wrote.”
Santa looks at the writer for a minute then says: “You’ve come to the wrong place. I bring presents not miracles.”
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Monday (morning) writing joke: “Laying it on”
A chicken and a detective-fiction writer waited in line to see Santa Claus.
When the chicken got up on Santa’s lap, it immediately laid an egg, which it gave to Santa.
When the writer sat on Santa’s lap, he also laid an egg.
“That’s amazing!” Santa said.
“Nah,” said the writer. “That’s just a copy of my latest work, a hard-boiled mystery. It’s pretty good, but it does tend to crack toward the end.”
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Queue”
A doctor, a lawyer, and a writer stood outside a department store on the day after Thanksgiving waiting to be let in for the big sale.
The doctor said, “I should go in first because of all the lives I saved with my prowess as a surgeon. I need to get back to the operating room.”
The lawyer said, “I should go in first because of all the bad people I put in prison so that they couldn’t hurt anybody anymore. In fact, I have another case to try in a few hours.”
After a few moments of silence, the doctor and the lawyer turned to the writer.
“Well?” the doctor asked.
“Don’t you want to go in first?” the lawyer asked.
“No,” the writer said. “All I want to get is my tea mug that I left in there last night when I was helping them put out the stock. This is my seasonal job to make ends meet. I have to work here to help out my dad, whose in the hospital with chest problems, my younger brother who has a learning disability, and my grandmother, who could go to jail for shoplifting to help pay for her medications.”
They were so stunned that when the doors opened, he walked inside ahead of them and got what he wanted. He didn’t work there, and his parents and brother were fine. They were waiting in line at other stores. He was, after all, a fiction writer.
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Correction”
Two writers were sitting at a bar, as writers are sometimes known to do.
A woman at a table near the bar was doing her best to get the attention of one of the writers. The other writer noticed this and asked the first writer what was going on.
First writer: “She sent me a text message.”
Second writer: “A fan of yours?”
First message: “I hope not. Her message said: ‘Y-o-u-r cute.’ I sent her back a message that said: ‘No. Y-O-U-R-‘-E cute.’ I was only correcting her misspelling.”
Second writer: “And?”
First writer: “And now she thinks I like her. I can’t get her to leave me alone.”
Second writer: “Here, let me see you phone.”
First writer hands the second writer his phone. Second writer types a message and sends it. The woman looks at it, shows it to her friend, puts a sour look on her face, and then gets up and leaves.
First writer: “What did you write?”
Second writer shows him. The message read: “You’re not my typo.”
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Guarded”
Three men were standing outside a dog obedience school with their dogs.
The first man’s dog was pulling on the leash and parking at almost anything. He said, “My dog’s such a good guard dog, she’ll bark at strangers over a block away to warn them to stay away.”
The second man’s dog was stumbling around, bumping into things, but not to be outdone, he said, “My dog’s such a good guard dog, she’ll knock over anything or anyone to protect me and my family.”
The third man’s dog was old and tired. She was curled up in a circle, snoring loudly. He said, “My dog’s such a good guard dog, she guards me against having too high an expectation of what she can do.”
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Head ache”
Q.: What type of performer is a zombie?
A.: A headliner
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Q.: When a zombie leaves, what is she doing?
A.: She’s heading out-of-town.
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Q.: What is the main feature a zombie looks for in a car?
A.: More head room.
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Heady stuff”
Q.: What do you call the principal at a zombie school?
A.: The headmaster.
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Q.: What is a zombie’s worst nightmare?
A.: The Headless horseman.
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Q.: What is a zombie’s favorite spread on bread?
A.: Head cheese.
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
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