A man sitting on a stool in the corner bar looks over at the bartender. “I’ve tried everything for my joints. Pain medications, homeopathic remedies, strange herbs. I’ve swallowed Glucosamine tablets, Turmeric powder, and honey and cinnamon for my aching joints, but nothing relieves my pain.”
Bartender: “When is it at its worst?”
Man: “When I’m asked to pay my bar tab.”
The bartender immediately felt a bit of joint pain himself.
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
A troubled man wanders in to a Christian evangelical celebration. The preacher, seeing a new person, immediately seizes upon him and says, “Brother, what is your problem?”
“It’s my hearing,” the man says.
The preacher clasps his hands on both sides of the man’s head, shakes him vigorously, pleads to God to make the man whole, and then releases him with a quick shove backwards.
“How is your hearing now?” the preacher asks.
“I don’t know,” the man says. “I don’t go to court until Tuesday.”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
A writer walks into a bar – it knocks him down.
A writer walks into a police station – she hasn’t a clue why she came.
A writer walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing women’s clothes – including a Freudian slip.
A writer runs for political office – she figures she couldn’t be any more rejected and if she does get elected, the pay would be better and the hours easier.
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Four writers get in a car. It’s pouring rain. The car won’t start.
Horror writer scribbles: “Brad and Elaine were trapped. It was the worst night of their lives. The wind was howling and the monster was, too.”
Romance writer scribbles: “Brad had always hoped for a chance alone with Elaine. And now in the rain, in a broken car, he had that moment.”
Comedy writer scribbles: “Brad had always hoped for a chance alone with Elaine. And now in the rain, in a car whose engine wouldn’t turn over, he had that moment – until, unlike the engine, his indigestion turned over on him.”
Contemporary fiction writer scribbles: “Brad had always had trouble with two things in life: women and cars. Now he was trapped by a heavy rain in a broken car with a woman he barely knew, who was soaking wet and crying and blubbering about her life being ruined. Brad could not find the words to console her, but searching around for a rag for her to use to dry her eyes, he found a hammer, and considered using it on either the car or the woman. Was it a sign? Was it supposed to use it or try to figure out why in life when he was handed lemons, he wasn’t even able to make lemonade.”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Four writers get in a car. It’s pouring rain. The car won’t start.
Technical writer: “Do you have the owner’s manual? Have you read it?”
Marketing writer: “Hey, look, the cup holder still works!”
Grant writer: “Maybe we can apply for funds to find out why the car doesn’t start.”
IT writer: “Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and then get back in?”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
The mother-in-law drops by for a visit with her daughter, but finds her son-in-law, Robert, in a blind rage and slamming stuff into his suitcase.
“What happened, Robert?” she asks.
“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home early from my writing conference. I get home … and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Jack Murphy in our bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down, Robert,” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Robert, I told you there was a simple explanation. She said she never got your e-mail!”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
There once was a writer in town /
Who frowned when the critic came around. /
Still, he tried one day /
To smile anyway: /
The day he saw the critic gagged and bound.
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke, poetry by author
A writer, a priest, and a politician walk into a bar.
After a few drinks, the politician walks over to the priest and says, “I hate to admit it, father, but I have told some pretty big whoppers in my time.”
“I’m sure,” the priest says. “I have probably heard them all.”
The politician pauses for a moment and then says, “How could you? I’m not Catholic. I’ve never been to confession. Some of my biggest ones have been in private.”
“I’m a priest. We know these things.”
The politician takes his drink and quickly leaves.
The priest then turns to the writer. “Now, what is your problem?”
“Well, father, in my time, in order to make ends meet, I have written for politicians, even crafting some of their ‘big whoppers.’ Including some said in private.”
“So you know what I’m talking about and you came seeking forgiveness?”
“No, father. Until you scared him off, I came to get paid.”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
I accuse.
Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Doctor: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Doctor: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Doctor: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then, is it possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Doctor: “No.”
Lawyer: “Doctor, how can you be so sure?”
Doctor: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nonetheless?”
Doctor: “Yes, it is possible. He could have been alive and practicing law.”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
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