Never laugh at your wife’s choices. Remember, you are one of them.
***
Man walks in to a department store and tells a salesperson, “I need to get something for my wife for her birthday.”
Salesperson: “What would like to give her?”
Man: “An excuse.”
Tag Archives: joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Natural selection”
Filed under 2016, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Written up”
Three candidates for a position in a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing were sitting on a bench, each looking at the comments made on his writing sample used as part of the application.
First student: “Mine says I would be better suited to writing user’s manuals for consumer products than creative writing.”
Second student: “Mine says, ‘The convolution of your writing is such that one can only assume that you would better suited for a position at the bar than in the MFA program.”
First student: “I hope they meant law school.”
They both chuckled then turned to the third student. Finally, the second student asked: “What did you yours say?”
Third student: Mine says that ‘from your writing sample we can only assume that English must be your second language and that you have only taken it up recently.’”
“Wow!” said the first and second students in unison.
“Yeah,” said the third student, “and to think I plagiarized from Nabokov.”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Lesson learned”
At 2 AM, Tuesday, a student calls up his teacher and asks, “Can you repeat for me what you taught in class today?”
The teacher, a bit groggy, asks, “So you liked it? It was that good?”
Student: “I can’t sleep now, but I did in your class.”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Bummed out”
A sixty-ish woman was at home jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and then asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?”
The woman continues bouncing on the bed and says, “I don’t care. I just came home from having a mammogram and the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.”
The husband asks, “What did he say about your 65-year-old bum?”
“Your name never came up.”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Dog on it”
An editor couldn’t believe a book he was helping to publish was written by a dog, so he requested a meeting. The dog and the owner walked into the office and each sat down in a chair.
“I’d like to ask you a few questions,” the editor said.
The dog yawned, which the editor took to mean go ahead.
“Since you are the first dog author I have dealt with, can you tell me what it was like to write this book?”
“Rough,” said the dog.
The editor decided he should be a little more specific. “What did you think of the line edits we sent to you for changes in the manuscript?”
The dog glanced over at his owner and then cocked back his head and howled.
The editor looked at his watch. He didn’t have much more time until his next meeting. He was finding it hard to believe this wasn’t some stunt cooked up by the dog’s owner. He sighed, glanced down at the contract, and asked a question he knew the dog wouldn’t be able to answer with a bark or howl. “As a first-time author, what do you think of our book advance structure and royalty payments?”
The dog immediately hopped from the chair to the editor’s desk, hiked his leg, and peed all over the contract.
Filed under 2016, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Oasis”
Three writers were crawling through the desert about to breathe their last when one of them points and gasps: “Look, an oasis.”
“Yes,” said the second writer. “I see five naked women suggesting things and urging me on.”
“I see my wife and two kids with a picnic lunch and a gallon of lemonade,” the first writer said.
They both glanced over at the third writer who was scrambling to write down every word.
“What do you see?” The first writer asks.
“I see my agent telling me to write it all down so he can get his 15 percent when he sells my unfinished memoirs and makes me rich.”
Filed under 2016, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Joint pain”
A writer sitting on a stool in the corner bar looks over at the bartender. “I’ve tried everything for my joints. Pain medications, homeopathic remedies, strange herbs. I’ve swallowed Glucosamine tablets, Turmeric powder, and honey and cinnamon for my aching joints, but nothing relieves my pain.”
Bartender: “When is it at its worst?”
Writer: “When I’m asked to pay my bar tab.”
The bartender immediately felt a bit of joint pain himself.
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Purrfect”
A striped cat writer to a spotted cat writer:
Striped cat: “I’m having a hard time writing this scene.”
Spotted cat: “How does it begin?”
Striped cat: “Tabby, or not Tabby.”
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “Cluck luck”
Q.: Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
A.: Because he asked him who the best composer was and they all said, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
Chicken out.
Filed under 2016, Monday morning writing joke
Monday (morning) writing joke: “Three writers died”
Three writers died, but were brought back to life. They met up one evening to discuss their experiences.
The first writer said: “I died and there was nothing. No light. No sound. I just sort of floated above my body in a limbo state.”
The second writer said: “I died and there was a bright white light, soft voices calling me, and a slight rustling sound like new leaves in a soft Spring breeze. I didn’t want to come back.”
The third writer nodded and said: “I, too, felt a blankness, except mine was white. There was a rustling sound to it. And there was a voice calling to me. It was my editor shaking blank pages at my face, telling me I owed him another 30,000 words.”
Filed under 2016, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
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