Tag Archives: joke

February 6, 2017 · 11:50 pm

Monday morning writing joke: “The word made flesh”

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.

The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “And I had a large theater built in the house.”

The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her “Thank You” notes.

She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much.”

Love, Mama

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January 30, 2017 · 11:59 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Keen eye”

First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinary Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the bovine body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it …. followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

***
[Editor’s note: while not directly a writing joke, observation is also important to a writer.]

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January 16, 2017 · 8:16 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 7: math”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the short writer won the sixth round (by reason of plagiarism by the tall writer), the tall writer was allowed to go first for round six. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was math.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.
For round seven, the rules of round six were kept in place. For round six and five, the rules had been amended. Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the tall writer said, “All lives mater.”

This immediately drew a moan from the crowd, and not a kind one.

“Until you multiply yourselves times the speed of light squared. Then you be energy.”

The groans turned to some chuckles and a few laughs.

The short writer waited until things were quiet, then he said, “Two knights walked into a room where there was a round table. The young knight turns to the older one and asks, ‘Who built this fine table?’ The older knight replies, ‘Sir Cumference.’”

The crowd groaned, twice, and somebody laughed.

Round seven was about to go to the short writer. The short writer now had 3 wins, 2 losses, and 2 ties.” The tall writer also had 2 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.

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January 9, 2017 · 4:51 pm

Monday (morning) writing joke: “Subject addressed”

There once was a quirky writer from Nice /
Who wore clothes only made from fleece. /
He visited friends around France /
In his polyester-type pants. /
Their plastic tongues wagged without cease.

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January 2, 2017 · 11:53 am

Monday morning (writing) political joke: “Hot air”

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him:

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

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December 12, 2016 · 7:12 am

Monday morning writing joke: “That special way”

Q.: What does one minister say to another minister when proposing marriage?

A.: I would like to get to know you in a biblical sense.

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November 7, 2016 · 7:07 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 5”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since neither writer won the fourth round, a coin was tossed and the short writer was allowed to go first for round five. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was philosophy.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.
For round five, the rules were amended. Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the short writer asked, “I tried to think of philosophical pun, but I Kant.”

There was a slight groan from the patrons in the bar.

The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he said, “A man walks into a crowded bar at a Philosophy convention. A woman at the bar looks him over, bats her eyes, and smiles. He buys her drink, then another, and another. Finally the guy between them leaves and he scoots over. She immediately gets up and starts to leave. ‘Hey,” he says, ‘what about the drinks I bought you?’ She turns back to him and says, ‘How you Spinoza time and money is not my concern.’ ‘Oh,’ he shouts, ‘You’re Socratease.’”
The crowd groaned, twice.

Round five went to the tall writer. The tall writer now had 2 wins, 1 loss, and 2 ties.” The short writer had 1 win, 2 losses, and 2 ties.

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October 31, 2016 · 7:31 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 4”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the tall writer won the third round, he was allowed to go first for round four. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The tall writer flipped the card over and the subject was physics.

The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

After thinking a moment, the tall writer asked, “What did the photon say when the hotel check-in clerk asked her if she had any luggage?”

The short writer had thirty seconds to answer. He wondered if the character being a she had anything to do with it. As in possible, the whole “she-bang,” but this wasn’t a pun about the big bang, just a photon, a discrete quantity of light. His time was about up when he said, “The photon replied, ‘No thanks, I’m traveling light.’”

The tall writer nodded.

The short writer then said, “Why can’t you trust an atom, any atom, all atoms?”

The tall writer wondered if the use of an, any, and all had anything to do with the pun, but decided to take the plunge with his first thought, “Because the make up everything.”

The short writer nodded.

Round four was a tie. Each writer had 1 win, 1 loss, and 2 ties.

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October 24, 2016 · 7:24 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Lecture”

A man walking alone on downtown sidewalks at 3 AM is stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out this late?” the officer asks.

The man says, “I’m on my way to a lecture, officer. It’s about alcohol abuse and the effects on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out to the wee hours of the morning.”

“Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?” the officer asks.

The man says, “That would be my wife.”

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October 17, 2016 · 7:17 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 3”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the second round was a tie, the short writer was allowed to go first for round three. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was grocery store.

The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

After thinking a moment, the short writer drew a stack of one-dollar bills from his pocket. He was not wealthy. He counted out ten ones. “A man enters a store, buys some groceries, and pays for his purchases. He has some change due and tells the cashier he needs some ones. The cashier responds with what?”

“Everybody needs someone,” the tall writer says. “That’s not very good.”

“You can do better?”

The tall writer thinks for a minute, then says, “That same guy goes back into the store for something he forgot. When he comes back to the same cashier, he is carrying a brown sack of walnuts. The store sells nuts two different ways for different prices. The cashier takes the walnuts, weighs them, and then says, “We have a couple of different ways we sell nuts.”

“Really,” the man said. “I just grabbed a bag. How are they sold?”

The short writer thought for a minute. He scribbled something on a piece of paper, then thought for a minute more.

“Time’s up,” said the bartender. “Do you have a guess?”

“Nut of your business?” the short writer asked.

“No,” the tall writer said, shaking his head, “To half and half not.”

The short writer glowered at the tall writer.

Round three was awarded to the tall writer. Each writer had 1 win, 1 loss, and 1 tie.

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