I went to the store the other day,
and it wasn’t in a place very far away.
While going through the checkout line
the bagger asked me if I’d mind
spending a dollar to support a charity.
I said yes, how fine that would be.
He then asked for my name
Saying he’d put it in the window for a little fame.
I said I didn’t need the notoriety.
He said that just could not be,
and he would write “lowel customer.”
Though his accent was a bit tough to be sure,
I said “Loyal Customer” was fine with me.
He then wrote it on the window slip for all to see.
Lowel Customer now hangs on the glass
with all the other names that you pass.
But if Lowel Customer you happen to see,
give him a pleasant hello from me.
Tag Archives: humor
A sign of the times
Filed under humor, poem, poetry, Random Access Thoughts, story poem, true story, words, writing
The Org Over Easy
The blathering idiot sat in the diner trying to figure out the organization of the company that had hired him and where he fit into things. He had the organizational chart “Org chart” of the company and the menu of the diner out on his table. He also had a glass of water that he had already spilled once and was still wiping up when the waitress approached.
She asked the blathering idiot what he wanted for breakfast.
“Org Over Easy,” the blathering idiot said.
She stared over the top of her glasses at him and canted her hip slightly. “Sir, that’s not on the menu.”
“Yes, it is. Over Easy or Sunny Side Up.”
“Org?”
“Yeah.”
She sighed. “That won’t be available until 8 o’clock.”
The Org Over Easy
“Eight o’clock. That’s outlandish.”
“And they’ll be a Sir charge.”
“A surcharge?!” The blathering idiot felt the heat rising to his ears. That always happened when he got embarrassed or angry. He felt a little of both now.
“Yes, sir, a charge on top of our normal Over Easy price.”
“Why?”
“Because orgs are always hard to get over easy.”
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, Random Access Thoughts, satire, words, writing
And you know something…
There were things the blathering idiot understood and there were things he didn’t. Sometimes, he tried to understand the things he didn’t. One day, he tried to understand why man was here. What was human kinds purpose on this earth? Were we here to glorify a god or gods? Were we here to glorify gold? Were we here to learn all we could learn and then leave it behind when we die? Were we here to love and laugh, or suffer and cry?
"And you know something else. I not only don't know why we're here, I'm sure I don't want to know."
The blathering idiot tried and tried to tease an answer out of the question. Finally, after having written for an hour on bar napkins and then thrown away all the answers he’d come up with, he picked up his root beer, took a swig, and proclaimed to the bartender while tapping on the bar, “And you know something else. I not only don’t know why we’re here, I’m sure I don’t want to know.”
He wasn’t sure, but the blathering idiot thought the bartender was happy with that answer.
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, Random Access Thoughts, satire, words, writing
Reform, it’s not what you think
It was a cold day and the wind was blowing. The Blathering Idiot and his friend, Gary, were walking to take place in a protest against some change they knew little about but felt had to be protest because somebody on the radio had told them so.
The Blathering Idiot turned to his friend and said, “You know, Gary, the biggest problem with reform is that it requires you to think.”
Gary paused for a minute, then said, “I hadn’t thought about that.”
"You know, Gary, the biggest problem with reform is that it requries you to think."
They stopped and looked at each other. First one minute passed. Then another, and another, each looking at the other.
“I think we’ve discovered something profound,” Gary said.
Finally, they decided to turn around and go back home, where at least they could think in a warm place.
So, you want to be a writer? Watch and learn
Filed under agents, editor, humor, novel, Perils of writing, pitches, publishers, Random Access Thoughts, words, writing, writing tip
The Job Application
A new year had begun, and the blathering idiot resolved to find a job.
The blathering idiot applies for a job
He saw a Help Wanted sign in the window of a building and went inside to apply.
He sat at the table with the form and did his best to fill it out. The first line said: Name.
He wrote: I have one.
Sex.
He wrote: Yes
Place of birth.
He wrote: A hospital, though I don’t remember the exact event. This is what I have been told.
Put your hometown here:
It won’t fit.
References:
Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary, Gregg’s Reference Manual, Chicago Manual of Style.
What attracted you to this position?
The sign in the window.
Salary expectations:
To get paid regularly.
What sort of challenges are you looking for?
I am not looking for challenges. I am looking for a job.
When he was finished, the blathering idiot looked over the questionnaire one last time. There was one question he had skipped, and he still did not have an answer for it. He looked at it again, first staring at it and then looking away. He felt he should write something, but what?
The blathering idiot was about to give up and return the form incomplete, when it struck him what he should write. He had seen this exact wording on similar pages in other documents. He had never fully understood what it meant until now.
The question was: Use the blank side of this form to provide any additional information.
To which the blathering idiot wrote: This side intentionally left blank.
Filed under blathering idiot, Job Hunting, satire, word play, words, writing
The All-American Chef
For Christmas, the blathering idiot received a BBQ mitt and a cooking apron. Across the front of the apron, above three embroidered stars was the phrase, also embroidered and in all capital letters: ALL AMERICAN CHEF.
The blathering idiot was happy to receive such a gift. He prided himself on his outdoor grilling skills, and after all an All American Chef should have all-American tools to help him create his all-American dishes. He tried on the mitt: it fit great with plenty of room. The apron was adjustable and the red color pleasantly suited him.
Though the weather was a winter cool, he decided to grill out. What better way to show off that he was an ALL AMERICAN CHEF? He pulled out his grill, poured in the charcoal briquettes, and was ready to start the fire.
All American mitt and apron made in China
The blathering idiot didn’t feel so ALL AMERICAN any more.
Filed under All American, blathering idiot, Christmas, Holidays, humor, Random Access Thoughts, words, writing
The presentation
The blathering idiot went to the lingerie store to buy his girlfriend a $50 bra. She had given exact instructions as to what she wanted and where to get it.
The blathering idiot had never been in a lingerie store before. But even before he went, he thought $50 was a little much for a bra. Her physical structures were nice, but not stellar. Neither were his own, and he wouldn’t think of spending $50 to support his.
Still it was his girlfriend and it was the season for presents, so he entered the lingerie store and approached the saleswoman to ask where he could find this “accoutrement.” He had learned that word recently and this was his first chance to use it, and for some reason it seemed to fit.
As she led him to the display, she asked if he might be interested in any of the shop’s specials.
The blathering idiot thought they might be offering some eggnog or Christmas cookies, so he said yes.
She smiled and then explained that their $75 undergarment was on sale for $65 and their $100 undergarment was on sale for $80.
First, she took him to the $50 bra, which looked much like the bras he had glimpsed most of his life, from his mother to his girlfriend, and a few other women in between, especially the one time in high school when his friends had pulled off his underwear, pulled it down over his head, and then shoved him into the girl’s locker room.
“As you can see,” the sales lady said, “there is nothing about this undergarment that stands out from the rest. It is a good one, but for that special woman in your life, I’m sure you want better. A little something that will grab her and your attentions.”
She then winked at him and showed him the $75 bra. It was smaller than the $50 one and had some areas of exposure he had never considered in a bra.
Then, without saying a word, she showed him the $100 bra. They were just two small cups that appeared barely big enough to fit over the tips of his girlfriend’s structures.
When he asked about the loss of material, she said it was all about presentation. “The less material, the more presentation, the more sizzle. Think how proud your girlfriend will be to wear this $100 undergarment, and that pride will show, causing her to walk taller, stand straighter, giving her all the support she will ever need.” She smiled at him. “After all, presentation is everything.”
The blathering idiot was sold. He bought the $100 undergarment on sale for $80, had it wrapped, and couldn’t wait to see his girlfriend’s presentation.
When she unwrapped the undergarment, she didn’t know what to think. Or, rather, she did, but kept her first thoughts to herself. She asked the blathering idiot about it, trying in the nicest way to figure out where he’d screwed up. He talked about sizzle and carriage and presentation, and with that undergarment on, she would walk tall and walk proud.
The blathering idiot’s girlfriend didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or be angry. All three emotions played across her face.
The blathering idiot took it to be gratitude beyond words.
Shortly thereafter, he walked home with the two small pieces of the undergarment fitted over his eyes. She told him he could only remove them once he got home. Otherwise, he wouldn’t make the right presentation.
He walked proudly into the night.
