Tag Archives: humor

The Devil’s Dictionary: Conservative and Republican

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for the words Conservative and Republican, which have become synonymous. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine or somebody else contemporary. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION
Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

NEW DEFINITION
Conservative, n. I don’t think anything has changed since Bierce first defined conservative as he did, and little can be done to improve on it, other than to say that Conservative and Republican have become so interconnected in U.S. politics as to become two wings of the same buzzard. See Republican(s).

Republicans, n. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it. –P.J. O’Rourke

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. –H.L. Mencken

Final thoughts:
So, here we have a political party (Republican) that purports to be the party of Conservative, heterosexual, bedrock social/Christian values, in which in Tennessee, in the county of Knox a commissioner stands (an obviously appropriate word in this case) accused of indecent exposure with another man for lewd behavior; a former Knox County mayor gets a divorce because of an alleged affair — and maybe more than one. (At least he waited until toward the end of his time in office to get divorced.); a current Knox County mayor is getting a divorce (at the start of his administration and only four years after saying “I do.”); a Tennessee state representative and a former police officer gets arrested for driving drunk in Nashville, TN, with a loaded gun in his front seat; another Tennessee state representative carves her initials in her publicly owned seat in the state capital, dresses down a Tennessee Highway Patrol Officer for a ticket she got for speeding, and has “interesting” photos of herself on the Internet; a Tennessee state senator uses bogus science and bullying logic to advance a biased personal agenda, and when challenged claims he’s being discriminated against; a national presidential candidate has more affairs than another national presidential candidate has had wives (and that takes a little doing); and that same multi-wife presidential candidate’s current wife has a debt at Tiffany’s over 5 times (and maybe even 10 times) larger than the yearly average American family household income. So with all this moral rectitude and personal frugalness coming from the political party (Republican) claiming to defend Conservative, heterosexual, bedrock social/Christian values, what I want to know is this: When did Peyton Place become a family value?

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Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Conservative, Devil's Dictionary, Republicans, satire

Found story: What did Jesus do?

Christ Centered Yoga sign

Why was the sign on the ground in front of the church and written on upside down?

Was Jesus mad?

Is that why the sign was on the ground in front of the church?

Were there not enough Christ Centered poses? Or did somebody in the church think Buddha was sneaking in to take over the bodies and then the souls of the yoga students?

But why was it written upside down on the white board to begin with? Was it done on purpose by the instructor or was it the work of Satan, who wanted the yoga session all to himself?

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CarToonsday: Sacred cow

Sacred cow meeting

Sacred cow meeting notes: Sartre never attended a bored meeting.

In a meeting.
In a life.
Full of woe.
Full of strife.

Full of things
I do not know.
Not sure yet
which way to go.

In a meeting.
In a life.
Full of woe.
Full of strife.

Full of dimwits,
Full of “fun,”
I cannot wait
’til this day’s done.

In a meeting.
In a life.
Full of woe.
Full of strife.

But no angels
can save me now.
Nor a Brahmin,
nor sacred cow.

In a meeting.
In a life.
Full of woe.
Full of strife.

Come what may,
come what might,
this is my
gas inducing plight.

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Filed under cartoon by author, Drawing conclusions, poetry by author

Elephant from Nantucket

The Romeny Effect

Sometimes it’s not the elephant in the middle of the room that’s the problem, it’s what the elephant has in his trunk.

There once was an elephant from Nantucket
whose trunk was so long he could suck it.
With full force it went in,
bending time and again.
Until election day, he’s just stuck with it.

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Filed under cartoon by author, limerick, poetry by author, political humor

Writing Tip Wednesday: Tone those saggy middles

[Editor’s note: the essay below is taken from an e-mail newsletter sent out by the writer Bruce Hale. you can find his web site at: http://www.brucehalewritingtips.com/. You can also sign up for his e-newsletter at that site. Each electronic newsletter comes with other information, including a writing joke.]

5 TIPS FOR TONING SAGGY (STORY) MIDDLES

By Bruce Hale

I’ll be honest. I never thought that Pilates class at the Y would be good for anything other than kicking (and toning) my butt. Yet, Pilates, with its emphasis on tightening and strengthening the body’s core, has something to teach us writers.

Ever encountered a “saggy middle” in your story writing? Take a tip from Pilates and strengthen your story’s core.

In my experience, when the middle sags, I’ve either lost track of my main character’s goal, or I haven’t made it hard enough for him/her to achieve. If it feels like nothing’s at stake or the issue isn’t in doubt, then it’s hard to sustain that growing sense of suspense that all stories need.

How to tone up that saggy middle? Here are five suggestions:

1. Increase the tension

What keeps us reading is a sense of concern about the hero and doubt about whether he will achieve his goal. If your story’s middle section lacks excitement, look for ways to up the “uh-oh factor.”

Throw more obstacles into your hero’s path – whether internal or external. Internally, you could set two cherished goals at odds with each other (she has to choose between being in the school musical with that hot dude and playing soccer). Externally, you could hand the opposition a major victory that sets your hero back. Or you could stage a betrayal: Someone the hero (and reader) trusts suddenly turns out to be a bad guy.

2. Tighten up the action

Maybe the bones of your story are strong, but you’ve got a bit of flab on them — unnecessary scenes that bog down the action. Look closely at every scene. If you can trim or eliminate it without affecting the story’s forward momentum, maybe you didn’t need that scene in the first place.

3. Raise the stakes

Saggy Middle

Take a good bite out of the saggy middle of your story, if you have to.

This means making the consequences of failure even weightier. If your character has been working on solving a crime, for example, you could have
the authorities accuse her, or someone close to her, of committing the crime. That way, if she doesn’t succeed, she loses more than just her good track record in solving cases. You see this a lot in detective novels – because it works.

4. Spring a revelation

This is the unexpected discovery that casts new light on everything that’s gone before it. Often a revelation occurs just before the story enters its third act, as in HOLES, where we suddenly understand the connection between the past-day and present-day tales, and we get why Stanley
Yelnats is digging in the desert.

Tricky to pull off? Absolutely. But it sure packs a punch when you can do it right.

5. Pull a reverse play

Reversals tug the rug out from under your character just when it looks like he’s making serious progress. Reversals also up the tension and hook your reader. Need an example? In THE MALTESE FALCON, just when Sam Spade thinks he’s got everything figured out, the bad guy slips him a mickey, taking Sam out of the action while his enemies run off to claim the treasured falcon.

Above all, if your story middle is sagging, go back to focus on your main character and her goal. Be sure that throughout the middle, the hero is still actively pursuing (and passionate about) his goal, and that you are continuing to throw obstacles (ever-increasing, if possible) into his path. If those two elements are in place, and you stay focused on the core of your story, chances are that your saggy middle won’t need to take a trip to Pilates class.

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Filed under cartoon by author, Saggy middle, writing tip, Writing Tip Wednesday

CarToonsday: The Prince and the doughnut

Man begging for Doughnut

The Princess had her pea, the Frog Prince his doughnut

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The Kibitzer and The Kidd, part 8

[Editor’s note: Parts 1 – 7 of The Kibitzer and the Kidd are available by clicking on “Kidd” or “Kibitzer” in the tag section. This is science fiction western with more than dollop of humor and satire.]

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The Kibitzer couldn’t help himself. The flames were everywhere. Smoke embraced the air and made it suffocating.

He didn’t believe in the devil or demons – other than the ones you create or marry into – but the unholiness of the air made him wonder if there wasn’t something otherworldly afoot.

Then there was the quote running through his head, the one where the fat comedian turns to the skinny one with the big chin and doofus grin, and says, “This is a fine mess you’ve gotten use into.”

At a time of impending death, one shouldn’t be thinking of comedy, especially when you couldn’t remember the names of the comedians, especially the one with big chin and the doofus grin.

He heard voices beyond the flames, or at least thought he did. One voice kept yelling over and over: “Swallow the lozenges!”

The Kibitzer wasn’t sure what to make of the voice. The fire was loud and crackling. He never realized how much noise a fire made. If there was a hell and there were people in it and it was composed of fire, the people would not be able to talk to each other. Would not be able to listen to their own thoughts.

He felt for the lozenges. They were in a paper sack in his shirt pocket, but they felt soft, like warmed candle wax. Not yet liquid, but would soon be.

A new wall of flames sprouted up around him, forcing him to run further into the stable.

“Trust the lozenges.”

It sounded like a woman’s voice.

He heard the whinnying of a horse. The Kibitzer glanced around. He thought he had freed all the animals, except himself.

“Trust the lozenges.”

This time the words came with an image. It was the comedian with the doofus grin. The fat comedian with the small bowler hat standing next to him was breathing fire at him, smoke spewing out of the comedian’s ears. But the skinny comedian kept the same big grin.

The lozenges felt very soft when he touched his pocket.

Flames were everywhere. The air was hot, smoky, and unbreathable. But he was still breathing. Sweat flowed off the end of his nose.

The Kibitzer reached for the lozenges. Nobody was going to rescue him. Not now. Not ever. Not even the Kidd.

He heard the whinny again. Louder this time. Followed by kicking.

He had the lozenges out. They were oozing out of their wax paper wrappers and onto his fingers. The liquid was warm, but he could not feel its warmth.

He brought his fingers up to his lips.

The wall in front of him exploded inward, toward him. A part of the wall hit him, knocking him backwards, toward the wall of flames.

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t feel. He wasn’t sure he had swallowed. And as he started passing out, he heard the fat comedian say, “Well, Kibbey, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”

Except the comedian wasn’t talking to him, unless he was a … duacorn?

(To be continued.)

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Filed under satire, science fiction and western story, story, The Kibitzer and The Kidd

Writing humor

My day, my life, my meme.

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The Devil’s Dictionary: Corportion, Congress, Lobbyist

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for the words Corporation and Congress. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Congress, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

NEW DEFINITION
Corporation, n.The only think I could add to corporation is: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. Peopled with overcompensated executives whose sole purpose is to privatize the profit and socialize the debt. In the vernacular: heads, I win (I get to keep the profit); tails you lose (You have to cover the bad debts).

Congress, n. A body of men and women who meet to repeal laws, generally at the behest of a corporation. This is now true of both the federal Congress and the state Congresses throughout the U.S.

Lobbyist, n. Paid influence peddler, bag man for the corporation, general thief in the night whose sole purpose on behalf of corporations is to see that Congress understands which laws are to be repealed or weakened, and how this should be done, particularly since too many lobbyists are former elected officials. Lobbyists can promote on behalf of other entities and not only corporations, but the goal is generally the same.
[Editor’s note: lobbyist was not a term long in use when The Devil’s Dictionary was created.]

Final word:
“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.” –MARK TWAIN

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Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, Mark Twain, satire

I’m a writer and I don’t get no respect

Sometimes I feel lower than a defeated politician....

Sometimes I feel lower than a defeated politician….

Next to the defeated politician, the writer is the most vocal and inventive griper on earth. He sees hardship and unfairness wherever he looks. His agent doesn’t love him (enough). The blank sheet of paper is an enemy. The publisher is a cheapskate. The critic is a philistine. The public doesn’t understand. His wife doesn’t understand him. The bartender doesn’t understand him. –PETER MAYLE

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Filed under cartoon by author, no respect, writer, writing humor