Tag Archives: humor

Monday morning writing joke: “Take two”

Q.: How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

A.: Ten.

1st draft: Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft: Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft: Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft: Lose the light bulb.
5th draft: Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft: Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero’s mentor.
7th draft: Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft: Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft: Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn’t change it.
10th draft: Hero changes light bulb.

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The Devil’s Dictionary: “Alien, Alliance, Ambidextrous, Ambition, Amnesty”

A young Ambrose Bierce

A young Ambrose Bierce


In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here are definitions for Alien, Alliance, Ambidextrous, Ambition, and Amnesty. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions are mine or somebody else contemporary. The new definitions can also be simply examples of The Devil’s Dictionary definitions. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION:

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

AMNESTY, n. The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

NEW DEFINITIONS:

(ILLEGAL) ALIEN, n. An un-American scofflaw unable to achieve a probationary state of any sort, at least as seen by some radical conservative elements. For them ALIEN is always preceded by ILLEGAL. This distinguishes him from the American scofflaw, who with enough money and AMBITION can form at least one ALLIANCE in which he can pick the pockets of friends and foes alike.

ALLIANCE, n. In National and International politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. However, as a grouped entity they often find a way to plunder others. The NRA plus the GOP being one fine example of how two groups manage to plunder a third, even to the point of death.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. (Nothing much new need be added to this.)

AMNESTY, n. The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish or who have enough money to acquire amnesty as one acquires a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card in Monopoly. In other words, it would be too “expensive” to ignore the offer.

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Photo Finish Friday: “Portal”

In the hedge lay adventure.

In the hedge lay adventure.

Robbie said, “Ain’t so.”

“Is too,” Ray said back.

Robbie and Ray were each six years old. Robbie was a few months older, and on occasions like this, he like to remind Ray of that. They just weren’t sure what this occasion was. Still, Robbie was asserting his role as elder statesman to tell Ray he was wrong.

“It’s like Nose legend.,” Ray said “You know, that great fight called Rag in a rock.”

“This got nothin’ to do with that,” Robbie said. “Ain’t nothin’ more than a strange cut in the hedge for that box.”

“It’s a portal, I tell you. And those Nose gods will come pourin’ through it to do battle with them frost giants and there will be an army of Gideon.”

“Who’s that?” Robbie asked.

Ray shrugged. “Some guy who can pour armies.”

“Ain’t no army goin’ to come pourin’ out of that hole in the hedge. It don’t even go all the way through.”

“It’s still a portal,” Ray said, “and if you go and sit in it for six hours, you will see it: happening. I dare ya’. I double dog dare ya!”

Not one to turn down a double dog dare, Robbie snuck up on the rectangular. And to show he wasn’t scared at all, he climbed into the hole in the fence. He tried several different poses and a few words he wasn’t supposed to.

After thirty minutes, Robbie fell asleep in the portal. After another ten minutes had passed, Ray left and walked back to the family picnic where he immediately ate his ice cream allotment and Robbie’s, too.

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Eleanor and Rose, and “The Case of the Fleaing Colors,” Credits

Cartoonist: Lauren Booker

Cartoonist: Lauren Booker

This has been a Talltalestogo presentation of The Case of the Fleaing Colors.

Starring: Eleanor and Rose
Special appearance: Kali

Drawings by Lauren Booker

Coloring by Lauren Booker

Non-coloring by Lauren Booker

Story adapted for the blog screen by David E. Booker from a story told to him by Lauren Booker.

Editing by David E. Booker

Layout by David E. Booker

Concept by Lauren Booker

Any resemblance to dogs or monkeys real or imagined may not be completely coincidental.

Copyright 2013 by Lauren Booker and David E. Booker

Thank you for reading The Case of the Fleaing Colors

A Talltalestogo presentation.

To re-view any or all of the mystery strong>The Case of the Fleaing Colors, click on the links below, especially the one that reads: “The case of the fleaing colors”.

Story by: Lauren Booker and David E. Booker

Story by: Lauren Booker and David E. Booker

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Monday morning writing joke: “the screen and the bulb”

Q.: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A.: Why does it have to be changed?

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Eleanor and Rose, and “The Case of the Fleaing Colors,” part 25

Part 25: The End, except for the credits

Part 25: The End, except for the credits

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Eleanor and Rose, and “The Case of the Fleaing Colors,” part 24

Part 24: One last reveal

Part 24: One last reveal

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Monday morning writing joke: “Hording the light”

Q.: How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A.: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!

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Eleanor and Rose, and “The Case of the Fleaing Colors,” part 23

Part 23: Crypt-ic ending

Part 23: Crypt-ic ending

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New word: “subsus”

In this day and time health experts across the country are telling Americans that the average American diet is a wreck: two low in fiber, too high in fat, too high in salt, too many calories, etc. What is needed is a word to capture all this, and here it is: subsus.

Subsus is a combination of
Substandard: adj., meaning below standard or less than adequate.

and

Sustenance: n., means of sustaining life, nourishment.

Now, your doctor or health professional, when he or she tells you to lose weight and eat better, can sum it all up with one word: subsus. “Fred, as you know, your subsus will be your undoing, first of your belt, then your pants’ button, and then your very health.”

Fred then will heave a big sigh and promise to do better, but after several mornings of nothing but one poached egg, one piece of plain, un-buttered toast, and one cup of tepid, black coffee, Fred may feel he is suffering subsus of a different sort.

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