What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Tag Archives: humor
Monday morning writing joke: “Rhetoric”
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
The blathering idiot and falling
Love hurts
The blathering idiot didn’t have an answer when she asked him a week ago, and he didn’t have an answer now.
It had always been the woman who fell out of love with him or maybe had gotten fed up with him, had her fill, and walked away, saying she had fallen out of love with him.
He did wonder now if Xenia asking was because she had heard something Zoey, Xenia’s mother. Had said.
Was Zoey falling out of love with him?
If so, what was he supposed to do? In the past – though there were not many of them, there were a few – the woman had announced it after the fall had taken place, saying things like: “It’s not you, it’s me.” Or, “I think we should spend some time apart.” This type of announcement usually came after they had already been apart a month.
In other words, the fall had already taken place and his heart’s shins were the ones getting barked.
“I hear that when you fall in love, that can hurt too,” Xenia said. “Has that happened to you?”
They were sitting in an ice cream parlor, the leaves already falling, but the temperature staying up. At least it felt that way to him. She had come back to the subject she had started talking about last week, just before he took her back to Zoey. He liked spending time with Xenia. She usually didn’t judge him, or at least didn’t judge him too harshly.
He had to think about that, too. Had he fallen in love with Zoey or had they just sort of got along well enough to stay in each other’s company – at least some of the time?
The blathering idiot felt a sudden desire – a pang really – to call Zoey and say with as much force as he could muster, “I love you!” Blurt it out even before she said hello.
Yes, that’s what he would do. He wouldn’t think about it anymore: he’d just do it.
Right now.
He’d just do it: right now. In person!
He bolted up from the chair, knocking it over. “Come on.”
Xenia had not finished her sundae. She brought a spoon full of sundae up to her mouth, and said in a muffled voice: “Where?”
“You’ll see,” he said.
They walked west and as they got closer to the house Xenia lived in, she said, “It’s too early to take me home. Mom’s still studying.”
“This will only take a minute.”
“No,” Xenia said. “You don’t understand. Mom’s studying.”
The blathering idiot stopped outside the gate at the end of the sidewalk that led up to Zoey’s house.
He paused and looked at Xenia. She was frowning and he thought he saw some sweat on her forehead.
“Is she … ah … studying with somebody?”
“Not exactly.”
“Then what exactly?”
Xenia looked away for a moment, then looked back at the blathering idiot.
“She … ah … told me not to tell you this.” Xenia shifted from one foot to the other. “But she’s sleeping.”
“Sleeping?”
“But you were asking me about falling in love and falling out of love.”
“Oh, that. That’s ’cause I sleep in a bunk bed and I keep falling out and hurting myself. I told Mom it’s because I keep having bad dreams. Mom says she can’t wait until I’m old enough to fall in love. Then, she says, I’ll really have bad dreams and hurt myself.”
Filed under blathering idiot, love, Story by author
Photo finish Friday: “O’ 13: perverse verse”
Unlucky 13
O’ triskaidekaphobia —
don’t let it annoy ya —
your paranoia,
your frightened mind.
This triskaidekaphobia,
it will destroy ya,
I do implore ya,
your fear it will find.
Yes, triskaidekaphobia,
it will toy with ya,
and even enjoy with ya
superstition sublime.
Said triskaidekaphobia,
“I don’t want to bore ya,
but I’ll take Peoria,
at twelve Central time.”
Came triskaidekaphobia,
by way of Astoria
thirteen more than ya
hoped you could confine.
But triskaidekaphobia
was unlucky ya know ya
and took the thirteenth floor ya
and then fell to its decline.
Of triskaidekaphobia,
I’ll say no more to ya
because history will show to ya
that it will all intertwine.
Filed under Photo Finish Friday, poetry by author
Monday morning writing joke: “the vote”
Two writers are sitting at a bar, as writers are sometimes want to do.
One writer sips his drink and says, “I’m thinking of make a run for the U.S. Congress. If I do, will you vote for me?”
The other writer puts down his drink and says, “No.”
The first writer hesitates, looking visibly taken aback, but then asks, “Why not?”
The other writer says, “Because I already know all your lies.”
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Photo finish Friday: “Eye candy”
She was pumped to see the candy.
She was pumped to see the candy. And she was pumped to see the pumps. She had been looking all over town for this type of candy: handmade, locally produced, just the thing to impress him with. After all, he had always given her handmade gifts. Then she saw the shoes, the pumps made from chocolate and candy. She’d always heard that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, and she had a secret fetish of wanting a man to at least once in her life nibble and suck her toes. This was just the item. It combined both things, and he wouldn’t even have to know about her fetish until the moment he nibbled his way up to her ruby red painted toes.
Oh, could this be real? Could this actually be happening?
She wanted to click her heels like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and say, “This place is better than home. This place is better than home.”
Then the witch behind the counter yelled over at her: “I ain’t here for my health. You gonna buy or you gonna slobber?”
She thought about it for a moment and wondered what she would do if he wouldn’t nibble away her chocolate shoe? What if he didn’t even like chocolate? What would she do then?
“Well?” the witch was not pleased to be kept waiting.
“I’ll take them all,” she said, “And could you gift wrap them?”
The look on the witch’s face was beyond sour. “You know, you can’t really wear these. And you can’t bring ’em back.”
“For what I have in mind, that won’t be an issue.”
The witch shrugged and packed up all five shoes.
She young woman walked home in the cold and blowing snow. Her man would be arriving soon, so she hurried. When she got home, she left a note where here man would find it, then went straight to bed and waited … and waited … and waited….
When morning came, she awoke with a jolt. It took a moment or two before she realized what had happened. All the chocolate shoes were gone, except one, which was partially eaten, the toe area missing. She found a wrapped present in the bed beside her and a note which read:
“My dear Virginia, how you have grown. I almost didn’t recognize you. I hope you like the present. I made it especially for you. Thank you for the chocolate snacks. I tried each one on your pretty little feet and nibbled my way up to your toes. Maybe next year, we can try these. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. –S.”
Virginia ripped open the present. She stared at the gift for a few minutes before she realized what it was. She turned as red as S’s suit to think he thought of her this way.
It was almost amazing what could happen when you still believed in the jolly ol’ elf.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
Monday morning writing joke: “Passing the buck”
[Editor’s note: the below article is true. No names were changed, not even the filing location: Bulls Gap. In the words of Mark Twain: “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.” — Following the Equator, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar. Now, as a writer, what can you make of this bit of news?]
Woman hospitalized to remove stolen $5,000 from rectum
by JEFF BOBO
BULLS GAP — A theft charge is pending against a Hawkins County woman who allegedly stole $5,000 from her boyfriend and was then hospitalized for injuries suffered attempting to remove the cash from her “hiding place.”
Around 1 a.m. Tuesday, the Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office was dispatched to the home of Bobby Gulley, 249 North Ridge Road, Bulls Gap, on a complaint that his girlfriend was stealing from him.
Gulley told HCSO Sgt. Michael Allen he’d “set a trap” for Christie Black, 43, also of that address, by placing two envelopes containing $4,000 and $1,000 in $100 bills in an old medicine bag.
The medicine bag was then placed on a foosball table and Gully went to bed.
Gulley said that when he woke up, he noticed Black was still awake, but the medicine bag and cash were missing.
When Gulley confronted Black with the theft, Black reportedly vomited up a baggy containing partially dissolved pills.
“He then asked her where the money was, and she admitted to him she’d wrapped it up and stuck it in her rectum,” Allen stated in his report. “Black admitted (to Allen) to taking the money and medication because Mr. Gulley was going to kick her out and she needed money for a place to live.”
Source and the rest of the story: http://www.timesnews.net/article/9066805/woman-hospitalized-to-remove-stolen-5-000-from-rectum
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
Monday morning writing joke: “In the swim of things”
[Editor’s note: this is from the “you can’t make this up” department. Not so much a joke, though certainly a bit of a humorous caper. Who knows, could even be the basis for a story. I don’t know if you would call this a stroke of genius, or simply a breast stroke.]
A woman who received permission to skinny dip in a man’s backyard pool sufficiently amused him while her male companion burglarized the premises, police reported.
The 54-year-old victim said the couple, who lived nearby, approached his home about 3 p.m. Saturday in Crossville.
While a nude female swimmer in his Camelot subdivision home’s backyard pool had him distracted, the woman’s accomplice was inside the victim’s home stealing his personal property. Both made a clean getaway. The incident took place last Saturday on Canterbury Lane around 3 p.m. at the home of a 54-year-old man who told police that a couple who live nearby approached his home when the woman suddenly told her husband to go back and retrieve her cigarettes, according to Ptl. Camden Davis’ report. – See more at: http://crossville-chronicle.com/local/x1696737631/Nude-swimmer-distracts-home-burglary-victim#sthash.mL3Qxm2N.dpuf
Filed under Monday morning writing joke
cARtOONSDAY: “bOX OF wORDS”
Life is like a box of words….
Filed under cartoon by author, CarToonsday
