Don't know; don't want to know
If the universe was made for me, why doesn’t it fit better?
Or
If I was made for the universe, why do I feel like I was made from all the second-rate spare parts?
Tag Archives: fun
New Year’s thoughts from the blathering idiot
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, fun, humor, the universe, word play
Santa or the Grinch
Santa or the Grinch this Christmas Eve?
Santa or the Grinch this Christmas Eve?
Have you been good
or is that hard to conceive?
Will you get presents or a lump of coal?
If Santa sees you,
will he shake like jelly in a bowl?
Santa or the Grinch this Christmas Eve?
Have you been naughty
or is that hard to believe?
Will you get presents or a lump of coal?
If the Grinch sees you
will he howl loud and bold?
Santa or the Grinch this Christmas Eve?
In which one
will you believe?
Someone will slide down you chimney tonight
Will he leave presents
or take them outright?
The blathering idiot and the blue tooth’s other byte
The blathering idiot had a blue tooth device for his cell phone. One of those devices that fits in the ear and wirelessly syncs to your cell so you can talk and receive calls while being hands free. The ear piece makes you look important or stupid. Zelda, the blathering idiot’s on-again, off-again girl friend had bought the device for him and he had eventually learned to work it. When he first wore it, she laughed and said he looked like a goofy Borg. It was then he told her she needed to lose a little weight.
There was one problem with the blue tooth. Every now and then, the voice in the blue tooth ear piece would announce in his ear: “There is no active phone.”
He would then move, sometimes not very much, and he would hear the voice say: “Your phone is connected.”
Zelda was away, and besides she was mad at him, so he couldn’t ask her for help.
Instead, he planned to experiment.
First, he laid his cell phone down and walked away from it until the voice in his ear said: “No active phone connected.”
It wasn’t that far, but farther from his hip to his ear.
He next walked around a corner into another room. After a few steps, heard it again: “No active phone connected.” Then “Your phone is connected” when he came back around the corner.
He then decided it must be corners. He would avoid going around corners. If he had to make a turn, he had to make it a 90-degree turn.
He worked to avoid corners, but eventually he would bend his body to avoid a corner, or even make himself sit down to think how he was going to avoid a corner, and he would hear the voice: “No active phone connected.”
Beware of the blue tooth's byte
Finally, one day he sat down and he turned his head to the left to see where he had placed his candy bar. His phone was on his right side. He heard the voice. He reached down to touch the phone, to make sure it was still there. Instead he accidentally touched his body fat. He pushed it aside and he head: “Your phone is connected.”
He let it go and he heard: “No active phone connected.”
He put down his Snickers bar and went outside for a walk.
Filed under absurdity, blathering idiot, blue tooth, Cartoon, humor, satire, story
I have a haunted bathroom
I have a haunted bathroom,
A sink that runs with blood.
I have a haunted bathroom,
It’s full of grime and crud.
I have a haunted bathroom,
From toilet nary a stink.
I have a haunted bathroom,
Because a ghost there stops to drink.
I have a haunted bathroom,
Its walls are cracked and old.
I have a haunted bathroom,
It’s a place too scary for mold.
I have a haunted bathroom,
A bathtub full of red.
I have a haunted bathroom,
An alien bathes there it is said.
I have a haunted bathroom
A cracked mirror in which to stare.
I have a haunted bathroom.
It is beyond repair.
I have a haunted bathroom
With a curtain nice and thick.
I have a haunted bathroom,
If you open it, you’ll say, “Ick!”
I have a hauted bathroom....
Enter, if you dare.
I have a haunted bathroom,
If you look, the word is there.
I have a haunted bathroom,
With a picture of my home.
I have a haunted bathroom,
A place I like to roam.
I have a haunted bathroom,
Come visit me on Halloween.
I have a haunted bathroom,
The spookiest you’ve ever seen.
The misunderstood PPE gargles
The misunderstood PPE gargles
Are related to the ancient fargles.
They live in a land
Of neither rock nor sand,
But they fit over eyes like sparkles.
These oddly named PPE gargles
Can only be worn by gargoyles.
When they sit on the edge
Of a building or ledge
The gargles give their eyes stargles.
These stargles come out in the night
When there is no moon or no light.
And only the gargoyles can see
With their gargles PPE
All the wonders and terrible frights.
Fargles were gargles of a time
When the gargoyles lived in the brine.
And all they could see
Without the fargles that be
Was the salt, the sea, and the grime.
Gargoyle with his PPE gargles
Gargoyles with stare at their stargles
They will sit on their ledge
Whole worlds in their heads.
And nary burp, nor chirp, nor hargle.
Filed under abreviation, absurdity, animals, Cartoon, fargles, fun, gargles, gargoyle, Halloween, holiday, humor, imagination, poem, poetry, PPE, Random Access Thoughts, Random thought, story poem, word play, words, writing
Quote of the day — programming
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
–Rich Cook
Filed under absurdity, computer, fun, humor, idiot-proof, programming, quote, Quote of the day, Rich Cook, software, Universe, word play
Starting with the obvious
Some things need no commentary, but I have one below anyway.
Editor’s comment: Some say this is an example of why men should not write advice columns. I say it’s an example of missing the obvious. First, the advice guy should have told the writer to check to make sure there was enough gas in the car’s tank. An empty gas tank and a car will stall easily. Geez, some people never want to start with obvious.
From the Grand Panjandrum’s non-sequitur department
Questions you are not likely to see on CPR class form:
-
A) try to revive them
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B) first look around for any office supplies you can pilfer/use and then try to revive them
-
C) pilfer and let them be, leaving the decision to try to revive to the next co-worker who stumbles across the body?
-
A) Cash Preferred by Retailer
-
B) Cash Preferred by Resuscitator (The I can’t spend glory principle.)
-
C) Cardiac Pulmonary Rest (What is happening when you can’t breathe and your heart has stopped beating)?
Other questions may become available as time and dementia permits.
Filed under absurdity, CPR, fun, Grand Panjandrum, humor, non-sequitur, word play
Five short minutes alone…
"Five short minutes alone done bought me 20 long years in jail."
There is a Jim Croce song entitled “Five Short Minutes Alone.” I wonder if Sooty is listening to that song now.
Filed under Five Short Minutes Alone, guinea pig, Jim Croce, song, true story
Booker's Blog 
The Darwin Awards: The true blathering idiots
On days when you don’t feel as bright or with it as you normally do, consider these folks, nominees and winner of the Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards is given annually to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing himself in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Some of these may make you both laugh and cry.
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
[Editor’s comment: at the price of gas, wouldn’t cheap mouthwash have been a better choice?]
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
[Editor’s comment: This is not what is meant by the moon over San Paulo.]
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma.”
[Editor’s comment: clearly a case of gravity assisted suicide. If only the earth hadn’t gotten in the way.]
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was hospitalized.
[Editor’s comment: clearly the snake was being a spoiled sport.]
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers.
[Editor’s comment: Clearly an example of a career-limiting move.]
And Now, for the winner of this year’s Darwin Award –
(As always, awarded posthumously):
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 – 25 seconds. The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this “rocket scientist” attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
[Editor’s comment: Apparently, some things still do take a rocket scientist.]
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