Tag Archives: dueling puns

February 19, 2018 · 4:28 pm

Monday (morning) writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 11: ‘Alaska'”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the tall writer won the tenth round, the short writer was allowed to go first for round eleven. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was “Alaska.”

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the short writer stood and took off his glasses, then put them back on, and then took them off again. As he did this, he said, “I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.”

This immediately drew a few laughs, and moan or two, and some applause.

The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a match. He lit the match and as it burned, he said, “Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”

By then the match had burned down to his fingers. He dropped it and quickly stepped on it. A spark flew up from his foot and caught a paper napkin on fire. He then tried to stomp that out, but more sparks flew and soon the entire bar was on fire.

The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and scrambled over each other and out the door.

As the ashes were sprayed one last time to make sure they were no longer hot, the soot covered bartender said both writers lost that round.

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September 25, 2017 · 11:48 pm

Monday (morning) writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 10: animal”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the short writer won the ninth round, the tall writer was allowed to go first for round nine. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The tall writer flipped the card over and the subject was “animal.”

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the tall writer stood and took a deep breath, sucking in air loudly. Then he said, “I was going to tell you a joke about leeches … but they all suck.”

This immediately drew a long moan from the crowd, then a few laughs.

The short writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a cat. It took a few moments, but when those arrived, he stood up, held up the cat. “Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? He was a cheetah.”

The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and there were a few laughs, particularly after the cat started hissing and tried scratching the short writer.

It was close, but round 10 went to the tall writer. The tall writer now had 4 wins, 4 losses, and 2 ties.” The short writer also had 4 wins, 4 losses, and 2 ties.

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September 11, 2017 · 11:40 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 9: job”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the tall writer won the eighth round, the short writer was allowed to go first for round nine. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was “job.”

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the short writer asked for a needle. It took a moment, but when it arrived, it was a sewing needle, which wasn’t what he was hoping for, so he asked for a well done steak. When the steak arrived, sizzling on a plate, he jabbed the needle into it and held up the steak and needle. “Acupuncture is a jab well done.”

This immediately drew a long moan from the crowd, then a few laughs.

A few more laughs came when the short writer began eating the steak. “No sense wasting a prop.”

The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a rolling and some rolls. It took a few moments, but when those arrived, he stood up, held up the rolls, and then waved the rolling pin in the air. “Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.”

The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and there were a few laughs, particularly after the short writer asked to look at the tray of rolls. He snatched one from the center and ate it with his steak.

It was almost all the tall writer could do to keep from hitting the short writer on the head with the rolling pin.

It was close, but round eight went to the short writer. The short writer now had 4 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.” The tall writer also had 3 wins, 4 losses, and 2 ties.

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May 1, 2017 · 7:01 am

Dueling puns, part 8: “victim”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the short writer won the seventh round, the tall writer was allowed to go first for round eight. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The tall writer flipped the card over and the subject was “victim.”

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the tall writer asked for a cup of coffee. It took a moment, but when it arrived, he gripped the handle and held it up. “Coffee is the silent victim our house. It gets mugged every day.”

This immediately drew a long moan from the crowd, then a few laughs.

“Until you multiply yourselves times the speed of light squared. Then you be energy.”

The short writer waited until things were quiet, then he said, “Two egotists started fighting. It was an I for an I.”

The crowd hesitated, then groaned, twice, and somebody laughed.

It was close, but round eight went to the tall writer. The short writer now had 3 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.” The tall writer also had 3 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.

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January 16, 2017 · 8:16 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 7: math”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the short writer won the sixth round (by reason of plagiarism by the tall writer), the tall writer was allowed to go first for round six. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was math.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.
For round seven, the rules of round six were kept in place. For round six and five, the rules had been amended. Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the tall writer said, “All lives mater.”

This immediately drew a moan from the crowd, and not a kind one.

“Until you multiply yourselves times the speed of light squared. Then you be energy.”

The groans turned to some chuckles and a few laughs.

The short writer waited until things were quiet, then he said, “Two knights walked into a room where there was a round table. The young knight turns to the older one and asks, ‘Who built this fine table?’ The older knight replies, ‘Sir Cumference.’”

The crowd groaned, twice, and somebody laughed.

Round seven was about to go to the short writer. The short writer now had 3 wins, 2 losses, and 2 ties.” The tall writer also had 2 wins, 3 losses, and 2 ties.

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December 19, 2016 · 11:52 pm

Monday (morning) writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 6”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the tall writer won the fifth round, the short writer was allowed to go first for round six. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was bugs.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

For round six, the rules of round five were kept in place. For round five, the rules had been amended. Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the short writer said, “A dung beetle walked up a bar and asked, ‘Is this stool taken?’”

There was a slight groan from the patrons in the bar.

The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he said, “Time flies like a arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”

The crowd groaned, twice, and somebody laughed.

Round six was about to go to the tall writer, when somebody pointed out the tall writer wasn’t using his own material. That he was took that pun from Groucho Marx. Because he plagiarized, the round was awarded to the short writer. The short writer now had 2 wins, 2 losses, and 2 ties.” The tall writer also had 2 wins, 2 losses, and 2 ties.

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November 7, 2016 · 7:07 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 5”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since neither writer won the fourth round, a coin was tossed and the short writer was allowed to go first for round five. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was philosophy.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.
For round five, the rules were amended. Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.

After thinking a moment, the short writer asked, “I tried to think of philosophical pun, but I Kant.”

There was a slight groan from the patrons in the bar.

The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he said, “A man walks into a crowded bar at a Philosophy convention. A woman at the bar looks him over, bats her eyes, and smiles. He buys her drink, then another, and another. Finally the guy between them leaves and he scoots over. She immediately gets up and starts to leave. ‘Hey,” he says, ‘what about the drinks I bought you?’ She turns back to him and says, ‘How you Spinoza time and money is not my concern.’ ‘Oh,’ he shouts, ‘You’re Socratease.’”
The crowd groaned, twice.

Round five went to the tall writer. The tall writer now had 2 wins, 1 loss, and 2 ties.” The short writer had 1 win, 2 losses, and 2 ties.

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October 31, 2016 · 7:31 am

Monday morning writing joke: “Dueling puns, part 4”

Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.

Since the tall writer won the third round, he was allowed to go first for round four. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The tall writer flipped the card over and the subject was physics.

The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges.

Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.

After thinking a moment, the tall writer asked, “What did the photon say when the hotel check-in clerk asked her if she had any luggage?”

The short writer had thirty seconds to answer. He wondered if the character being a she had anything to do with it. As in possible, the whole “she-bang,” but this wasn’t a pun about the big bang, just a photon, a discrete quantity of light. His time was about up when he said, “The photon replied, ‘No thanks, I’m traveling light.’”

The tall writer nodded.

The short writer then said, “Why can’t you trust an atom, any atom, all atoms?”

The tall writer wondered if the use of an, any, and all had anything to do with the pun, but decided to take the plunge with his first thought, “Because the make up everything.”

The short writer nodded.

Round four was a tie. Each writer had 1 win, 1 loss, and 2 ties.

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