The blathering idiot ponders time keeping.
Tag Archives: cartoon
CarToonsday: The blathering idiot wonders
The blathering idiot ponders time keeping.
Filed under blathering idiot, cartoon by author, CarToonsday
I’m a writer and I don’t get no respect
Next time, I’ll just say E = mc2.
I’m a writer and I don’t get no respect. Just the other day I attended a party, and when somebody asked me what I did, I said I was a writer. He immediately began telling me his story that would “make a wonderful novel. So, I’ll tell it to you, you writer it up, and we’ll split the profits.”
Next time I go to a party and somebody asks me what I do for a living, I’ll say I’m a physicist. Nobody goes up to a physicist and says, “I have a wonderful theory. I’ll tell it to you, you write it down and put in all that math, and we’ll split the profits and the Nobel Prize.”
Filed under cartoon by author, no respect, writer, writing humor
The blathering idiot and Internet dating
The blathering idiot and Zoey had decided to see other people. Well, Zoey had announced she was going to see other people. The blathering idiot saw other people every day, but that was not what Zoey meant. Reluctantly, he tried getting dates. Less than reluctantly, the women refused, some politely, some derisively, some laughing so hard they had tears streaming down their cheeks and nothing else to say. And those that did say something polite usually said that it was not about him, but about her.
Eventually, the blathering idiot turned to dating web sites such as “Oui, Hook U Up,” or OHUUP for short. Their tag line was: “We put the We back in Oui.”
For several weeks he logged in, and talked with several women, exchanging e-mails, photos, even details of things liked and things he wanted to do and try. But he was not able to get a date. At the last minute, they would have a reason why they couldn’t meet, even for coffee or a soda.
But they did keep suggesting he sign up for the Platinum Oui for a Week Club, guaranteed to get him Oui more attention.
He didn’t have the extra money for the POW Club.
He was feeling down, wondering what he was doing wrong, when he ran across Xenia at the downtown library. She was there with some of her friends and somebody other than her mother Zoey watching over them.
She asked how he was. He told her.
“Mom’s meeting some guy she met online.”
The blathering idiot nodded.
“Though I think she really misses you.”
In some ways, he missed Xenia more than Zoey.
“I think those web sites are bogus.”
He nodded.
“I have a friend whose dad tried several of them. He told my mom he was about to fly over to Russia to meet one he had chatted with online. But he began to wonder and after chatting with a few other women from the same site realized he had been talking to some sort of computer program.”
“Really?”
Xenia nodded.
“Said he was embarrassed to admit it, but didn’t want her making the same mistake. Said he thought about reporting them, but then looked at ‘that legal stuff’ he called it on the site and it said something about using staff members and bots to enhance customer satisfaction.”
Some things are a (key) stoke of luck and some things are a (key) stroke of genius, and then some things are a (key) stroke too far.
When the blathering idiot got back to his computer, he logged into the web site, found his inbox had sixteen “oui notes” waiting for him.
Instead of reading them, he pulled up that “legal stuff” and though it was dull and at times difficult reading, he did find a section that read:
“OHUUP may, in its sole discretion, cause or allow you to be contacted by one or more Super Oui Profiles (“SOP”, “SOPs”) as a part of its “SOP” feature. A SOP may represent a person employed by OHUUP or an affiliate of OHUUP or an automated digital actor created by OHUUP. Nothing contained in an SOP is intended to describe or resemble any real person, and is included on the Website only for the personal enjoyment or entertainment of Users.
“Furthermore, SOPs are used to enhance your online experience, by (for example) stimulating communications with other Users, by introducing you to new or existing features of the Service, or by encouraging active participation on the Website. SOPs may also be used to monitor User activities and communications to ensure compliance with these Terms. In the event that the User responds to a communication from a SOP, the User may, but is not guaranteed to, receive one or more additional communications from such SOPs. Any communication between you and a SOP is for your personal enjoyment or entertainment….”
There was more, but he had read enough.
Another oui note showed up. And another. He glanced at them. Then he realized there must be some mistake. Something was amiss, or not really a miss. Somehow, he was mistakenly getting some woman’s “oui notes.” In this case, the blathering idiot decided, it was a not a bot her, but a bot him.
Filed under blathering idiot, cartoon by author, Internet dating
CarToonsday: Eight Year Old Philosopher and Eggs
Some days, the yoke of friendship runs true; other days, it just runs yellow.
CarToonsday: Window of opportunity
Another one for the bucket list.
Filed under cartoon by author, CarToonsday, window
I’m a writer and I don’t get no respect
Critics are everywhere.
One reason the human race has such a low opinion of itself is that it gets so much of its wisdom from writers. –Wilfrid Sheed
All writing is garbage. People who come out of nowhere to try to put into words any part of what goes on in their minds are pigs. –Antonin Artaud
The noted writer Theodore Sturgeon was once asked why so much of science fiction writing was “crap.” He paused for a moment, nodded, and said, yes, 90 percent of science fiction was crap, but that “90 percent of everything is crap.” This is known as Sturgeon’s Law, and is just as true today as it was in the early 1950s when he first pronounced it.
Same is true for critics of writers and writing.
[Errata: I had originally and erroneously attributed this to Robert Heinlein, another noted writer of such classics as Stranger in a Strange Land. My apologies and thank to Tom Dupree for pointing out my error. It is good to have smarter readers dropping by to read your blog posts. May we all be so fortunate. Thank you to all who stop by, read, like, and comment. It is one of the advantages of this blog format. Thank you all. –Editor]
Filed under cartoon by author, no respect, writer
CarToonsday: Sacred cow
Sacred cow meeting notes: Sartre never attended a bored meeting.
In a meeting.
In a life.
Full of woe.
Full of strife.
Full of things
I do not know.
Not sure yet
which way to go.
In a meeting.
In a life.
Full of woe.
Full of strife.
Full of dimwits,
Full of “fun,”
I cannot wait
’til this day’s done.
In a meeting.
In a life.
Full of woe.
Full of strife.
But no angels
can save me now.
Nor a Brahmin,
nor sacred cow.
In a meeting.
In a life.
Full of woe.
Full of strife.
Come what may,
come what might,
this is my
gas inducing plight.
Filed under cartoon by author, Drawing conclusions, poetry by author
Writing Tip Wednesday: Tone those saggy middles
[Editor’s note: the essay below is taken from an e-mail newsletter sent out by the writer Bruce Hale. you can find his web site at: http://www.brucehalewritingtips.com/. You can also sign up for his e-newsletter at that site. Each electronic newsletter comes with other information, including a writing joke.]
5 TIPS FOR TONING SAGGY (STORY) MIDDLES
By Bruce Hale
I’ll be honest. I never thought that Pilates class at the Y would be good for anything other than kicking (and toning) my butt. Yet, Pilates, with its emphasis on tightening and strengthening the body’s core, has something to teach us writers.
Ever encountered a “saggy middle” in your story writing? Take a tip from Pilates and strengthen your story’s core.
In my experience, when the middle sags, I’ve either lost track of my main character’s goal, or I haven’t made it hard enough for him/her to achieve. If it feels like nothing’s at stake or the issue isn’t in doubt, then it’s hard to sustain that growing sense of suspense that all stories need.
How to tone up that saggy middle? Here are five suggestions:
1. Increase the tension
What keeps us reading is a sense of concern about the hero and doubt about whether he will achieve his goal. If your story’s middle section lacks excitement, look for ways to up the “uh-oh factor.”
Throw more obstacles into your hero’s path – whether internal or external. Internally, you could set two cherished goals at odds with each other (she has to choose between being in the school musical with that hot dude and playing soccer). Externally, you could hand the opposition a major victory that sets your hero back. Or you could stage a betrayal: Someone the hero (and reader) trusts suddenly turns out to be a bad guy.
2. Tighten up the action
Maybe the bones of your story are strong, but you’ve got a bit of flab on them — unnecessary scenes that bog down the action. Look closely at every scene. If you can trim or eliminate it without affecting the story’s forward momentum, maybe you didn’t need that scene in the first place.
3. Raise the stakes
Take a good bite out of the saggy middle of your story, if you have to.
the authorities accuse her, or someone close to her, of committing the crime. That way, if she doesn’t succeed, she loses more than just her good track record in solving cases. You see this a lot in detective novels – because it works.
4. Spring a revelation
This is the unexpected discovery that casts new light on everything that’s gone before it. Often a revelation occurs just before the story enters its third act, as in HOLES, where we suddenly understand the connection between the past-day and present-day tales, and we get why Stanley
Yelnats is digging in the desert.
Tricky to pull off? Absolutely. But it sure packs a punch when you can do it right.
5. Pull a reverse play
Reversals tug the rug out from under your character just when it looks like he’s making serious progress. Reversals also up the tension and hook your reader. Need an example? In THE MALTESE FALCON, just when Sam Spade thinks he’s got everything figured out, the bad guy slips him a mickey, taking Sam out of the action while his enemies run off to claim the treasured falcon.
Above all, if your story middle is sagging, go back to focus on your main character and her goal. Be sure that throughout the middle, the hero is still actively pursuing (and passionate about) his goal, and that you are continuing to throw obstacles (ever-increasing, if possible) into his path. If those two elements are in place, and you stay focused on the core of your story, chances are that your saggy middle won’t need to take a trip to Pilates class.
Filed under cartoon by author, Saggy middle, writing tip, Writing Tip Wednesday
CarToonsday: The Prince and the doughnut
The Princess had her pea, the Frog Prince his doughnut
Filed under Cartoon, cartoon by author
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