Tag Archives: blathering idiot

November 27, 2011 · 12:50 pm

Blathering idiot: I woke to turkeys on full parade

I woke to turkeys on full parade,
A dark flock of birds on a chocolate promenade.
I was sure it was a trip to a tryptophanic place
Where there existed another wild turkey race.

One was cross-eyed, one was four eyed.
One, I saw, gave me the evil eye.
Yet these fowl could not be what they seemed,
Full of butter and chocolate and maybe even cream.

With candy corn beaks and truffle cheeks,
one stepped forward and started to speak.
“We come to you from a way off land,
We have a proposal we hope you find grand.

Chocalate Turkeys

Chocolate turkeys on parade


“We want you to pardon one of us today.
That way we can be free to go our way.”
“Wait, wait a minute,” I then said.
And I saw their eyes get all full of dread.

“If I pardon one, what will happen to the rest?”
The cupcake turkeys did their best
Not to laugh at my stupidity
But an answer to my question, they wouldn’t give me.

So I picked up one and ate him straight away.
Then I ate another before he could say:
“We come in peace, don’t you know.
We came to you, because we’ve no place to go.”

I gobbled and gobbled until I had my fill.
Then the three I hadn’t eaten stood very still.
With chocolate frosting smeared across my face,
I’m sure they wished they’d skipped the human race.

“Which one of you do I pardoned?” I said with a leer.
They stared at me as if I hadn’t been clear.
“I will eat two and save one.
“That is how a Turkey’s pardon’s done.”

The three immediately tried to scramble.
But cupcake turkeys can barely amble.
And as far as they got was the edge of my bed,
Where they had everything to fear. One had lost its head.

But of these turkeys, I could eat no more.
Because my stomach was incredibly sore.
It was rumbling, grumbling, beginning to roar
And felt as if the turkeys inside were trying to soar.

So I give you this warning, should they come your way.
One headless turkey and two friends dismayed.
Enjoy a little less of these chocolate treats.
Unless you want to feel like you’ve been eat.

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November 14, 2011 · 12:09 am

Thoughts of the blathering idiot: Change

The blathering idiot was emptying his pants pockets when he came across some change he didn’t know he had. He stared at the pennies, nickels, and dimes and he thought about the nature of change:

Be an agent of change, unless, of course, you change your mind.

Of course, you could be so poor that you can’t change your mind.

Change is inevitable; it’s the folding money I’m not so sure about.

Count your change and then count your blessings. Whichever one is greater, that’s where you are: blessed and broke, or cursed with a lot of loose coins weighing down your pockets.

If there was one thing about me I could change it would be … oh, never mind, I’ve changed my mind.

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November 5, 2011 · 4:42 pm

The blathering idiot and the blue tooth’s other byte

The blathering idiot had a blue tooth device for his cell phone. One of those devices that fits in the ear and wirelessly syncs to your cell so you can talk and receive calls while being hands free. The ear piece makes you look important or stupid. Zelda, the blathering idiot’s on-again, off-again girl friend had bought the device for him and he had eventually learned to work it. When he first wore it, she laughed and said he looked like a goofy Borg. It was then he told her she needed to lose a little weight.

There was one problem with the blue tooth. Every now and then, the voice in the blue tooth ear piece would announce in his ear: “There is no active phone.”

He would then move, sometimes not very much, and he would hear the voice say: “Your phone is connected.”

Zelda was away, and besides she was mad at him, so he couldn’t ask her for help.

Instead, he planned to experiment.

First, he laid his cell phone down and walked away from it until the voice in his ear said: “No active phone connected.”

It wasn’t that far, but farther from his hip to his ear.

He next walked around a corner into another room. After a few steps, heard it again: “No active phone connected.” Then “Your phone is connected” when he came back around the corner.

He then decided it must be corners. He would avoid going around corners. If he had to make a turn, he had to make it a 90-degree turn.

He worked to avoid corners, but eventually he would bend his body to avoid a corner, or even make himself sit down to think how he was going to avoid a corner, and he would hear the voice: “No active phone connected.”

Blue tooth's other byte

Beware of the blue tooth's byte

He decided maybe it was his clothes. So he started wearing different types of shirts and pants and even underwear. But that didn’t solve the problem.

Finally, one day he sat down and he turned his head to the left to see where he had placed his candy bar. His phone was on his right side. He heard the voice. He reached down to touch the phone, to make sure it was still there. Instead he accidentally touched his body fat. He pushed it aside and he head: “Your phone is connected.”

He let it go and he heard: “No active phone connected.”

He put down his Snickers bar and went outside for a walk.

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October 13, 2011 · 12:27 am

The Darwin Awards: The true blathering idiots

On days when you don’t feel as bright or with it as you normally do, consider these folks, nominees and winner of the Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards is given annually to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing himself in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Some of these may make you both laugh and cry.

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

[Editor’s comment: at the price of gas, wouldn’t cheap mouthwash have been a better choice?]

Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

[Editor’s comment: This is not what is meant by the moon over San Paulo.]

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma.”

[Editor’s comment: clearly a case of gravity assisted suicide. If only the earth hadn’t gotten in the way.]

Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was hospitalized.

[Editor’s comment: clearly the snake was being a spoiled sport.]

Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers.

[Editor’s comment: Clearly an example of a career-limiting move.]

And Now, for the winner of this year’s Darwin Award –
(As always, awarded posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 – 25 seconds. The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this “rocket scientist” attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

[Editor’s comment: Apparently, some things still do take a rocket scientist.]

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September 18, 2011 · 8:09 pm

The idiopathic blathering idiot

The blathering idiot went to the dermatologist. Once the examination was over and the doctor had looked at his knuckle pads and his tinea versicolor, the dermatologist pronounced him a case of idiopathic medicine.

At first the blathering idiot felt insulted. While not the brightest bulb in the box or the sharpest saw on the rack, he did not consider himself an idiot, and he told the doctor so.

The doctor smiled, and then said, idiopathic means “modern medicine does not know the cause of either of your conditions.”

He then explained that for the knuckle pads, “we usually do nothing, unless they start causing you pain.”

For the tinea versicolor, a naturally occurring fungus that is in everybody’s skin, “it just runs a little wild in some people,” he gave the blathering idiot a prescription, then said of having two idiopathic conditions, “It just means you’re special.”

That made the blathering idiot feel better.

He then went to his local pharmacy to turn in his prescription. As he turned in the script, he saw a sign glued beneath the lip of the counter that read: “Select narcotics in time-delay safe.”

When the pharmacy technician took his prescription, the blathering idiot asked, “Which ones can I select?”

“Which what?” the tech asked.

“Which narcotics?” the blathering idiot said.

She looked at his prescription. “Your script doesn’t say anything about a narcotic.”

“But I can select one, right?”

She frowned. “No.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not supposed to get any.”

Select Narcotics in Time Delay Safe

Select Narcotics in Time Delay Safe

“But it says I should select narcotics from the time delay safe.”

“It does not.”

“Yes, it does.”

“Where?”

He pointed at the sign. “Here!”

“It does not—”

“Yes, it does.” Clearly this young woman had not heard that he, the blathering idiot, was special. “Come out here and see.”

“I can’t.”

“Can’t what? Read?”

She glared at him. “I can’t come out there. It’s against the rules. I am the only person on duty back here right now and the rules say I can’t leave my station.”

“All I want is what the sign says I should select.”

“I think you should go to another pharmacy,” she said and offered him back the script. To be sure he understood, she pressed an intercom button and asked for “special assistance” in the pharmacy.

Insulted when a guard appeared, the blathering idiot snatched the script and marched out the door and to the next nearest pharmacy. As he walked up to the pharmacy counter, he again found the words: “Select narcotics in time delay safe” and hoped he would have better luck here.

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August 28, 2011 · 6:19 pm

The blathering idiot, zombies, and aliens

The blathering idiot stood in her kitchen listening to his sometime girlfriend Zelda debating with Xenia, her daughter, about which would be worse an invasion of aliens or an attack of zombies. Zelda said the invasion of aliens would be worse with their ray guns and flying saucers and killer robot armies. Xenia said it would be zombies because they looked “just like us, but would eat our brains out.”

The debate went on for another ten minutes or so, the blather idiot dozing off as he learned against the counter. Snatches of his head popping off, rotating fast, and zooming away like a flying saucer filled his snoozing, so he kept waking up.

Finally, to end the debate, they turned to him.

Blathering Idiot, Zombies and Aliens

Domestic Dispute on a Cosmic Scale

“Which one?” they asked in unison.

“Which one, what?”

“Aliens?” Zelda asked.

“Or Zombies?” Xenia asked.

Now his head was really spinning. He couldn’t answer. He didn’t really care. It wasn’t even Halloween, so what did it matter?
They stared at him. He felt a rivulet of sweat run down the side of his neck.

It was like asking him to choice between toast with crunchy peanut butter and toast with smooth peanut butter. He liked them both. He also liked other things on his toast. Why did nobody even ask about the toast?

After what seemed like a day, Xenia harrumphed and left the table.

Zelda stood up, shook her head, and said, “Typical.”

She then turned and walked away from him.

That night, while sleeping along, the blathering idiot was visited by an alien ghost that told him he must decide or else. It was hard to understand the alien because of all the high-pitched tones and squeaks.

He woke up lying cross ways over his bed; it squeaked as her pulled himself around into the proper position.

When he went back to sleep, he was visited by a zombie ghost that told him, as best a zombie could, having no brain and all, that he had to use his head and make a decision. He woke up with part of his pillow in his mouth.

After that, he couldn’t sleep. He wondered if there were really aliens out there who might swoop down and invade the Earth, or even just his house. And zombies, well, while he was fairly sure they weren’t real, one could never be 100 percent sure about such things. After all, there were werewolves. He’d seen one at a carnival when he was six.

The blathering idiot went to the bathroom, and while looking in the mirror tried to figure out what was going on. He turned on the small light next to the sink and as it shined up on his face, he stared in the mirror. His pale face looked as if he had died. Pale, blank stare from empty eyes, he reached up and removed a piece of his pillow from his mouth. He then tried to speak, to say something to calm himself, but when he did, only a short squeak came out. It was then that he knew what his answer was.

He couldn’t wait to tell Zelda and Xenia. Neither could be disappointed in him.

When he got to their house, he walked inside and into the kitchen, and made his announcement. “It’s neither aliens nor zombies that I would fear,” he said. “It is alien zombies who would come to Earth, eat the Earth zombies and then starting eating the regular girls and mothers.”

First Xenia and then Zelda looked up at him and smiled. “We’re past that,” they said in unison. “Now we’re trying to figure out who would be a better kisser, an angel or a vampire? What do you think?”

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May 8, 2011 · 5:16 pm

The blathering idiot — if money were no object

If money were no object

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April 9, 2011 · 2:34 pm

The Blathering Idiot and Discovery

The blathering idiot went to work for an advanced scientific and technology firm. One day, when he passes the door of a leading scientist of the firm, he found a note tacked to the door.

Upon further examination, he saw it was not a note, but a memo, on official company letterhead, from the legal firm that this company used when discussing patent and invention issue.

In short, the memo said: All discoveries must be registered with this firm before they are discovered. All inventions must be registered with this firm before they are invented. No patents will be issued unless the proper form has been filled out in triplicate and registered with this firm. We must be notified at least six months in advance of any discoveries, inventions, ideas, or potentially patentable issues. Those who fail to follow this memo will be properly punished.

The Blathering Idiot and Discovery

After all, he needed the work.

The blathering idiot then had an idea. He wondered if his idea was a patentable issue he had to register with the firm. But since he already had the idea, it was too late to file it without being violation of the memo. Therefore, he decided from that day forward that he would see no ideas, hear no ideas, and speak no ideas. After all, he needed the work.

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April 4, 2011 · 9:36 pm

The Blathering Idiot and the Bowl Museum

The blathering idiot was helping Xenia get her breakfast. Xenia was his on again, off again, on again girlfriend’s six-year-old daughter. Why Xenia’s name didn’t begin with a “Z,” like her mother’s – Zelda – the blathering idiot didn’t understand, but he didn’t and it was a school day, so it was a question for another time.

While helping her with breakfast, the blathering idiot thought he would impress Xenia. He found a one-serving box of her favorite cereal, and the box had perforations on one side of the outside that formed an “I.” When he opened the box using the perforations, it instantly turned the box into a bowl.

Dinosaur on the way to the Bowl Museum

Dinosaur on the way to the Bowl Museum

As he poured milk into the disposable bowl, the blathering idiot talked about how when he was a kid, his parents always had these when the family went on long trips, including one to see dinosaurs in a museum.

Xenia looked at the box with the flaps folded back and the cereal floating in milk. Then she looked up at the blathering idiot. “So, this was what you used before they invented bowls?”

The blathering idiot was dumbfounded.

Xenia had a piece of toast for breakfast.

Later that morning, when the blathering idiot was walking Xenia to school, he told her stories about his walking to school, and he often had to do it all by himself and how it was a long walk full of wild animals and dark places and not nearly as easy as it is today.

Xenia nodded, and as they stood outside the front door of the school, she looked up at the blathering idiot and asked, “Did you see many dinosaurs back then?”

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March 20, 2011 · 11:42 am

The Blathering Idiot and the Call of Nature

The blathering idiot and his girl friend, Zelda, decided that the first day of Spring was the perfect time to go out into Nature, to experience the Wilds. Except, it was not as easy as either one of them would like. As the blathering idiot found out, Zelda was allergic to rag weed, tree pollen, broad-leaf grasses, and short-leafed flowers just to name a few of the offending items. The blathering idiot, too, was finding he had allergies to many wild animals with fur or feathers or scales, as well as a strong allergic reaction to poison ivy.

They had both also heard of the smog alert creeping up even into the mountains, the need for more sunscreen due to increased global warming, and the invasion of fire ants and even killer African Bees.

At first, the blathering idiot didn’t know what to do. And after a while, it was beginning to look more and more like the trip into Mother Nature wasn’t going to happen. Then the blathering idiot had an idea. It took him a while to fashion on the pieces of the idea into one final whole, but when he was done, both he and Zelda agreed that it was the only way they could both get out into Nature.

Blathering Idiot and the Call of Nature

"Honey, isn't Nature wonderful?! We really should get outside more often."


His only regret was that he drank too much water before going out into Nature and he hadn’t put a convenience zipper in the front of his.

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