From the local newspaper, two TV listings that caught my eye:
(COOK) Extra Virgin Gabriele and Debi get chickens from fresh eggs.
[Is this an example of the philosophical conundrum: which came first, the chicken or the (fresh) egg?]
(HGTV) Donna Decorates Dallas A teen wants a rich, Texas hunting lodge-style in his room.
[I guess it wasn’t enough that Debbie did Dallas already, now it has to be decorated in a rich, Texas hunting lodge style. And for a teen, no less.]
Filed under abbreviations, absurdity, humor, Random Access Thoughts, Random thought, TV listings, word play, words
IRS notice,
There are arrears reckoned on your account over a period of 2010-2011 year.
You will find all calculations according to your financial debt, enclosed.
Sincerely,
IRS.
&&&&
Attached to this phishing e-mail, which was addresses to a number of e-mail addresses, was a zip folder. I would not recommend opening it. My reckon is that if I opened the attachment, a virus would put my computer in arrears.
888888
The apothecary was almost done making the cough drops, but the Kibitzer was tired of watching. He ho-hummed to himself, took another bite of some slightly stale popcorn, and decided watching was not always what he had pictured it would be. It was a very unpleasant observation and it did not sit well him or his stomach. The popcorn didn’t help. He belched once in hopes of relief.
It was during the descent of the belch out of his mouth that he heard what sounded like a pop, saw the delivery boy run out of the saloon, and then watched as lightning tripped the light fantastic across the kid’s body.
He then saw another two or three people scurry out of the saloon as if escaping an unpleasantry, like a distant relative’s interminable funeral or a spelling bee where they were next up and the word was interminable.
The Kibitzer forgot all about the cough drops and stepped outside, glancing toward the sky as if somehow he could observe a bolt of lightning before it hit him, and then considered running through the rain to the other side of the street.
That’s when a young lady came up and kneed him in the groin.
The Kibitzer dropped to the wooden sidewalk, balled up, and began rocking back and forth as if it might dissipate the pain.
“My name’s Bonnie,” she said, leaning over him. “No man leaves my apothecary without payin’ for what he ordered.”
“I wasn’t leaving,” the Kibitzer said, his teeth still clenched.
Finally, he rolled over onto all fours.
“Didn’t you see the kid out there? He got struck by lightning?”
Bonnie shrugged. “Happens a lot lately. He’ll be okay. Nobody in this town dies anymore. Been bad for my business, I tell you.”
The Kibitzer was again standing fully erect, if feeling a little tender. The rain had slackened to almost a light drizzle.
“We already lost two undertakers and the saw bones has gone back to yankin’ teeth. If it weren’t for medicinals for that, I’d probably be blowin’ in the wind, too.” She then slipped him the bill for the cough drops.
The Kibitzer looked at it. “What, no discount for the laying on of hands?”
She smiled at him, then raised her hand. In the muddled light of the evening, she still looked quite menacing. “I didn’t finish.”
The Kibitzer paid her and gave her a generous tip.
He then dashed out into the rain, forgetting the cough drops.
888888
Oh, if my client weren’t thin,
I might try again
To give ol’ Ozzie a wondrous spin.
But as it stands now,
I’d have to be more than a cow
To udderly grasp the glass teat, oh how?
And if I chocked the chicken
It might take a lickin’
And come round a pickin’
a row
with the cow
or a sow
somehow.
[Editor’s note: This story is true as far as I know, and comes from the I Can’t Make This Stuff Up Department.]
Woman reportedly injured by exploding toilet at GSA building – WTOP.com
http://www.wtop.com/?nid=109&sid=2565294
WASHINGTON — A toilet reportedly exploded Monday and injured a woman at the General Services Administration Building in D.C.
The D.C. Fire and EMS Department confirms a woman went to the hospital with serious but non-life-threatening injuries.
“The GSA National Capital Regional Office Building experienced a building mechanical incident, which we understand may have resulted in injuries,” a GSA statement reads.
Channel 9 (WUSA) reports a memo made the rounds in the GSA building, warning people not to flush.
“Do NOT flush toilets or use any domestic water,” Channel 9 quotes the memo as saying.
“Due to a mechanical failure, there is high air pressure in the domestic water system that resulted in damage to toilets … There has been damage to flushed toilets that has resulted in injuries.”
The GSA has refused to respond to specific questions, only referring to its statement.
“The restrooms are back in service, and mechanical systems are being monitored as we speak,” the statement says.
The incident is not the first of its kind in the United States. A trial lawyer in Memphis, Tenn., Parke Morris, says he represented a client who was seriously injured when a urinal exploded in a GSA building.
Morris says the client told him he was working on a Saturday at the Federal Courthouse in Memphis when he used the sixth floor men’s bathroom.
“This was an old, kind of primitive urinal that had almost like a gas pedal that you would press down when you were finished doing your business,” Morris says. “And he pressed it, and it literally exploded. It was like a porcelain hand grenade went off.”
Morris says the explosion blew the man backwards onto the floor and severely injured his knee. He required a surgery and seven months of rehab before he could return to work.
After the man was blown back, he called down to the security desk and had a guard come up to help him.
“I don’t know if [the guard] didn’t believe him, or couldn’t believe what he saw, but he decided to flush the urinal next to the one that was now in pieces. That one exploded as well.”
Morris said in total, four urinals exploded in that Memphis bathroom that day and it was later determined to be caused by a problem in the water pressure.
Follow Andrew Mollenbeck and WTOP on Twitter.
(Copyright 2011 by WTOP. All Rights Reserved.)
Expressing concern over the rising number of non-reports, County of K Mayor TB recently issued an executive order banning all sex offenders from public libraries.
Plans are underway to compare a list of registered sex offenders to the libraries 150,000 active cardholders, who would then be notified to stay away from the libraries. When asked about those offenders who don’t have library cards, or who may be homeless and can’t get a card because they don’t have an address, the mayor had no immediate response.
“I just don’t want them anywhere around our kids,” TB said. “The ultimate decision is how we pursue it.”
When asked where these offenders could go, TB said the local bookstores. They already handle banned books. Why not banned people, too?
A manager at a local bookstore, who asked not to be identified, responded that this was “another example of an unfunded government mandate.”
A library worker, when asked how she would identify a sex offended, said she didn’t know how she would identify a sex offender. “It’s not like they come up and self-identify.”
Under a new state law sex offenders can be banned from libraries and such identification could lead to jail time, which would simply lead to more overcrowding, which the County of K already has a problem with. Still, the County of K Mayor felt he needed to get out in front of this issue and issued the first such executive order for any of the major library systems of the state. As a Republican, you can never have enough moral government, he was heard to say. And it usually doesn’t cost much.
County of K sheriff of nodding ham, J Triple said, “I applaud the state of Tennessee for putting tougher regulations on these dirt bags who prey on our children.”
When asked about enforcement, J Triple said with cooler weather coming on, he plans to provide free sweaters to those sex offenders, many of whom may be homeless. The sweaters would have the scarlet letters “D-B” stitched into them in a way that his deputies, using infra-red night scopes on their rifles, will be able to easily see on the chests of the offenders. All the deputy will have to do, Triple J said, is point his rifle at the library entrance and he (or she) will spot the registered sex offender. An arrest would then ensue.
When asked what happens once the sweaters start getting swapped, worn by the wrong person, or even show up on Salvation Army Thrift Store shelves, Triple J grunted that he would let the courts sort that out. Innocent dirt bags were not his concern.
In a somewhat related issue, on the same day as Mayor TB announced his ban, County of K Commissioner AE (Always Embroiled in controversy to her close friends), announced that she had a benign tumor removed from her parathyroid gland. Though the symptoms of the tumor were fatigue, pain, fluctuating blood pressure, and insomnia – not untypical symptoms for any County of K Commissioner these days, she was glad the cause of her distress had been found and treated. Recovery time could take two or three months. When asked about the recent ban of sex offenders from libraries, AE reportedly muttered, she could only hope there was a similar tumor at the top of country government.
Filed under absurdity, announcement, books, fun, GOP, government, humor, hypocracy, law enforcement, offenders, Republicans, satire, sex, words, writing
If I tried to marry Truth and Beauty, would I be any the wiser, or would I have simply committed philosophical polygamy?
Sometimes being young has it's own Twilight Zone
Marriage of Socialism and Satan blamed for bizarre barrage of bad press over sandwich give away by Pennsylvania franchise.
Prayers called for by all right-minded Christians in the Chicken Sandwich Slinger’s hour of need. “Don’t get caught waffling,” one supporter intoned, “or you will fry in Hell.”
No official comment from the poultry wing of the political spectrum. Some say they have been bullied into submission and cower at the thought of speaking up for fear of being squawked. “We have decided to lay low on this one,” an inside source said, speaking anonymously on background. “This entire situation is all fowled up.”
“This is not egg-actly what we had hoped for,” C.T., founder and president of Chicken Sandwich Slinger, said when asked about it two weeks ago. “But we stand behind our independent franchise slinger’s actions in offering free sandwiches to legally married couples. Man and woman couples. We prayed about it and have decided to carry this idea nationwide and will be offering one free Chicken Slinger’s Sandwich to couples holding a valid marriage license.”
Unsubstantiated reports show an increase in online requests for ministers’ licenses, with the largest spikes appearing in the San Francisco, New York, and Atlanta areas. When asked about this, 84-year-old C.T. said it was “a feather in our cap,” if the increases were due to his promotional idea. “We’ll yet put the gay ol’ time back into marriage,” he said. “Even if we have to do it one Chicken Slinger’s Sandwich at a time.”
There was no immediate response from the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Alliance.
More details as they become available.
The blathering idiot was about to take a flight. He rarely flew, so he was particularly concerned with the possibility of not landing, or not landing correctly. Especially with the recent spate of air traffic controllers falling asleep, discussions of Christian Armageddon/Rapture, Mayan End of Time, and general pronouncements from certain pundits that America was on the wrong track and headed for its death, he didn’t want to get caught short, though he wasn’t quite sure what short was or why getting caught short was a bad thing. Did that mean getting caught tall was a good thing? The blathering idiot was of middling height, so where did that leave him, he wondered.
The blathering idiot made all the arrangements. He wrote out a will, though he wasn’t quite sure how to test it so it could be will and testament. He made provisions for somebody to take care of his dog. He left a love note for his on again, off again, maybe again girl friend Zelda, and a few words of advice in a note for her daughter Xenia. He hoped that she would understand to definitely NOT take any wooden nickels. Though he had never seen one himself, he heard they were a bad thing. If nothing else, it might mean you’d one day reach your hand in your pocket and find you had a pocket full of splinters.
After all the other arrangements were made, there was still one the blathering idiot had not made: his epitaph. He had thought long and hard about this. What to say that would sum up his life in a few words. He spoke with different religious leaders of different faiths and even looked in several holy books, but nothing quite suited him.
He looked up epitaphs of famous people. He didn’t quite understand the one that read: “All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” But maybe he would after he was dead. He looked at the epitaphs of the not-so-famous people in big graveyard near his house. (He did not discuss it with Zelda. Things were off again with her and what she would probably recommend would not be what he would want resting above him for eternity, particularly if her last words when they broke up were any indication.)
He asked a few of his friends. One said say something witty. Another said, why say anything at all?
As the flight time was fast approaching, in an act of desperation, the blathering idiot consulted books and documents. Over and over again, a certain set of words kept appearing. He wasn’t quite sure why there were on the pages they were on. These pages were often blank, except for these words. Maybe this was a sign. Also, he had not seen them on a gravestone before, so they might have the advantage of being one of a kind, and the blathering idiot liked the idea of being one of a kind.
The person who would have his headstone carved in the event of the inevitable looked at the words and then looked at the blathering idiot oddly. Finally, he shrugged and said, “It’s your funeral.”
THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
Filed under absurdity, air, Armageddon, Blank, blathering idiot, Cartoon, Christian, End of Time, humor, imagination, Mayan, Random Access Thoughts, Rapture, satire, traffic controller, words, writing
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