So, you want to be a writer? Watch and learn
Filed under agents, editor, humor, novel, Perils of writing, pitches, publishers, Random Access Thoughts, words, writing, writing tip
Rhetorical demons
Dear Sarah Palin,
I doubt you will listen or read any of this, and I doubt even more that you will do anything, but I send it in the hopes that there is still some shred of humanity left in you, something that ideological rhetoric hasn’t swallowed and made hollow.
Like snow, this rhetoric of violence accumulates, and at first it stirs the blood and makes everything clean and clear, just as a new snowfall does. But the grime and dirt that follows reminds us that beautiful, stirring rhetoric can cover an ugly, mean soul.
Sarah Palin's target map
You are not the only politician, pundit, or private citizen to spread this rhetorical demonizing, but you are not above blame, either. The blood of many is the blood of one. People died in a church in my hometown in part because of this rhetorical demonizing. People died in Kansas and Arizona and other places because of it as well. Your hands are not clean. Nor is your heart. Sadly, neither are mine.
I am reminded of the words of, I believe it was Benjamin Franklin, who at the end of the Constitutional Convention, when nerves were raw, tempers still flared, and people grabbed for absolutism and threatened not to approve sending the U.S. Constitution on to the states for ratification, turned to his fellow delegates and said, “Gentlemen, let us doubt a little of our own infallibility and put instrument to paper” and approve sending the document forward.
I think a little more doubting of our own certainties and infallibility is in order before rhetorical demonizing hollows out our souls. It’s a sign of humility. It’s a sign of compassion. It’s sign that you’re truly human in the best sense of that word.
Filed under Constitution, demons, rhetoric, Sarah Palin, U.S. Constitution
The Job Application
A new year had begun, and the blathering idiot resolved to find a job.
The blathering idiot applies for a job
He saw a Help Wanted sign in the window of a building and went inside to apply.
He sat at the table with the form and did his best to fill it out. The first line said: Name.
He wrote: I have one.
Sex.
He wrote: Yes
Place of birth.
He wrote: A hospital, though I don’t remember the exact event. This is what I have been told.
Put your hometown here:
It won’t fit.
References:
Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary, Gregg’s Reference Manual, Chicago Manual of Style.
What attracted you to this position?
The sign in the window.
Salary expectations:
To get paid regularly.
What sort of challenges are you looking for?
I am not looking for challenges. I am looking for a job.
When he was finished, the blathering idiot looked over the questionnaire one last time. There was one question he had skipped, and he still did not have an answer for it. He looked at it again, first staring at it and then looking away. He felt he should write something, but what?
The blathering idiot was about to give up and return the form incomplete, when it struck him what he should write. He had seen this exact wording on similar pages in other documents. He had never fully understood what it meant until now.
The question was: Use the blank side of this form to provide any additional information.
To which the blathering idiot wrote: This side intentionally left blank.
Filed under blathering idiot, Job Hunting, satire, word play, words, writing
A flightless mind in a myopic world
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/07/books/07huck.html?_r=1&nl=books&emc=booksupdateemb5
January 6, 2011
Light Out, Huck, They Still Want to Sivilize You
By MICHIKO KAKUTANI
“All modern American literature,” Ernest Hemingway once wrote, “comes from one book by MarkTwain called ‘Huckleberry Finn.’ ”
Being an iconic classic, however, hasn’t protected “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” from being banned, bowdlerized and bleeped. It hasn’t protected the novel from being cleaned up, updated and “improved.”
A new effort to sanitize “Huckleberry Finn” comes from Alan Gribben, a professor of English at Auburn University, at Montgomery, Ala., who has produced a new edition of Twain’s novel that replaces the word “nigger” with “slave.” Nigger, which appears in the book more than 200 times, was a common racial epithet in the antebellum South, used by Twain as part of his characters’ vernacular speech and as a reflection of mid-19th-century social attitudes along the Mississippi River.
Filed under Huckleberry Finn, insanity, Mark Twain, Perils of writing, publishers, Random Access Thoughts, story, words, writing
The All-American Chef
For Christmas, the blathering idiot received a BBQ mitt and a cooking apron. Across the front of the apron, above three embroidered stars was the phrase, also embroidered and in all capital letters: ALL AMERICAN CHEF.
The blathering idiot was happy to receive such a gift. He prided himself on his outdoor grilling skills, and after all an All American Chef should have all-American tools to help him create his all-American dishes. He tried on the mitt: it fit great with plenty of room. The apron was adjustable and the red color pleasantly suited him.
Though the weather was a winter cool, he decided to grill out. What better way to show off that he was an ALL AMERICAN CHEF? He pulled out his grill, poured in the charcoal briquettes, and was ready to start the fire.
All American mitt and apron made in China
The blathering idiot didn’t feel so ALL AMERICAN any more.
Filed under All American, blathering idiot, Christmas, Holidays, humor, Random Access Thoughts, words, writing
The Days of Bread and Circuses
We have reached a level of entertainment on par with the Roman Coliseum. We have senseless wars abroad, senseless politics at home, and senseless entertainment all around.
Submitted for your consideration, this promo for a local sporting event:
“Come out and cheer on your Knoxville Ice Bears on Guaranteed Fight Night. We guarantee all the fans in attendance there will be a fight whether it occurs during one of the three periods or during the intermissions. Bring yourself, your friends and your family to come find out what we have planned for you.”
Yes, bring your family, if for no other reason than to see a fight at a hockey game. Reminds me of that joke, I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
What’s next, a merger with Rasslin’ and possibly the Icecapades or some other ice show. Will we see Snow White duking it out with Little Red Riding Hood? Goofy and Pluto illegally checking each other? Rasslin’ with the Stars on Ice? (Well, that might actually have some socially redeeming value.) All of it family fun. And all for one, low admission price. Please pay these prices and pay no more.
Filed under Random Access Thoughts, Uncategorized
The presentation
The blathering idiot went to the lingerie store to buy his girlfriend a $50 bra. She had given exact instructions as to what she wanted and where to get it.
The blathering idiot had never been in a lingerie store before. But even before he went, he thought $50 was a little much for a bra. Her physical structures were nice, but not stellar. Neither were his own, and he wouldn’t think of spending $50 to support his.
Still it was his girlfriend and it was the season for presents, so he entered the lingerie store and approached the saleswoman to ask where he could find this “accoutrement.” He had learned that word recently and this was his first chance to use it, and for some reason it seemed to fit.
As she led him to the display, she asked if he might be interested in any of the shop’s specials.
The blathering idiot thought they might be offering some eggnog or Christmas cookies, so he said yes.
She smiled and then explained that their $75 undergarment was on sale for $65 and their $100 undergarment was on sale for $80.
First, she took him to the $50 bra, which looked much like the bras he had glimpsed most of his life, from his mother to his girlfriend, and a few other women in between, especially the one time in high school when his friends had pulled off his underwear, pulled it down over his head, and then shoved him into the girl’s locker room.
“As you can see,” the sales lady said, “there is nothing about this undergarment that stands out from the rest. It is a good one, but for that special woman in your life, I’m sure you want better. A little something that will grab her and your attentions.”
She then winked at him and showed him the $75 bra. It was smaller than the $50 one and had some areas of exposure he had never considered in a bra.
Then, without saying a word, she showed him the $100 bra. They were just two small cups that appeared barely big enough to fit over the tips of his girlfriend’s structures.
When he asked about the loss of material, she said it was all about presentation. “The less material, the more presentation, the more sizzle. Think how proud your girlfriend will be to wear this $100 undergarment, and that pride will show, causing her to walk taller, stand straighter, giving her all the support she will ever need.” She smiled at him. “After all, presentation is everything.”
The blathering idiot was sold. He bought the $100 undergarment on sale for $80, had it wrapped, and couldn’t wait to see his girlfriend’s presentation.
When she unwrapped the undergarment, she didn’t know what to think. Or, rather, she did, but kept her first thoughts to herself. She asked the blathering idiot about it, trying in the nicest way to figure out where he’d screwed up. He talked about sizzle and carriage and presentation, and with that undergarment on, she would walk tall and walk proud.
The blathering idiot’s girlfriend didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or be angry. All three emotions played across her face.
The blathering idiot took it to be gratitude beyond words.
Shortly thereafter, he walked home with the two small pieces of the undergarment fitted over his eyes. She told him he could only remove them once he got home. Otherwise, he wouldn’t make the right presentation.
He walked proudly into the night.
