Dr. Seuss, can you come and play?
Dr. Seuss, it’s your birthday.
Dr. Seuss, can you stay?
Dr. Seuss has gone away.
Oh, Dr. Seuss, you cause dismay
and all the children want to say,
“Slay the monster or feed it hay,
that mean ol’ one that took you away.
Leave it toys or snacks on a tray,
however odd, bizarre, outre.
Oh, Dr. Seuss, what a display
Of love we have for you this day.
The Good Doctor S.
Writing Tip: Successful Revision
[Editor’s note: the essay below is taken from an e-mail newsletter sent out by the writer Bruce Hale. you can find his web site at: http://www.brucehalewritingtips.com/. You can also sign up for his e-newsletter at that site. Each electronic newsletter comes with other information, including a writing joke.]
5 ELEMENTS OF A SUCCESSFUL REVISION
By Bruce Hale
So you’ve finished that first draft and let your story marinate in its own juices for a while, and now it’s time for revision. Only question is: where to start?
With a picture book, that’s not too terribly daunting. But with a longer novel, you’d be well served to devise a strategy before plunging into those narrative hickets that can swallow the unwary writer. I suspect everyone has his or her own favored approach to revision. Here’s the one I’ve found most useful…
1. FIRST READ
First time through, the hardest thing is to *just* read your story and take notes. No line edits, no grammar corrections, no paragraph revisions — just reading. But if you want to be able to see the whole forest, instead of the individual trees, this approach is vital.
By all means, take copious notes. “Tighten the opening on page 43;” “wonky sentence on page 12, first paragraph;” “fix the plot logic in Chapter 18.” These are all helpful. And they prepare the way for…
2. FIRST REVISION
Once you’ve waded through your story and taken copious notes, congratulate yourself. It’s not as bad as you thought, right? (We hope.) With this optimistic thought, it’s time to roll up the sleeves and plunge into wholehearted revision.
The first time through, work on larger issues: plot holes, character inconsistencies, gaps in story logic, slow scenes that need to be trimmed, and so forth. You can always do the fine polishing later.
Revise sequentially if you can, rather than skipping around. For any sections that require you to write new material, use the same method you would in a first draft: write it fast and sloppy. After all, you can always fix it in the NEXT revision.
3. READ-ALOUD REVISION
Taking the time to read your work aloud may seem redundant at this point, but it’s necessary. You won’t believe how many errors you’ll catch. Homonyms, awkward phrasing, missing words, echoes (unintentionally repeated words) — all these will pop out at you like Halloween skeletons at a haunted house.
This is the revision where you can really focus on the sound and rhythm of your writing. Listen for those areas that sound clunky and don’t really roll off the tongue — that’s your cue to break out the belt sander and make things smooooth.
4. DIALOG REVISION
Once the story is as good as you can make it, and you’ve read aloud to catch hidden glitches, it’s time to turn the microscope on your dialog. First, make sure each character speaks differently. Have them use different idioms, word choice and catch phrases — otherwise, they’ll all sound like each other (or like you).
Top-notch authors like Elmore Leonard vary their character dialog so deftly, they don’t even need attributions (he said/she said). It’s that clear who’s speaking. In real life, we all have our own ways of putting things. So just make sure your fictional characters possess that same distinction.
5. FINAL CHECK
Before I send my story off to agent or editor, I usually try to let it sit for a week or so, then do one last read-through, to make sure all my changes fit, and to smooth out any remaining rough edges. This is an ideal time to search for words you overuse. (And we *all* overuse certain pet words.)
For example, I know that I tend to drop in “just” and “only” too often, and I tend to have too many characters shrugging and nodding. A quick search for these words shows me where I’ve overdone it, and a quick fix guards against too much sameness in the manuscript.
And that’s about all I can bear to write on the subject of revision right now. I think you know why. Yes — time to get back to revising my latest story.
Filed under advice column, Bruce Hale, revising, words, writer, writing, writing tip
The blathering idiot has more questions
Just the other day, the blathering idiot had some time to kill, though he wasn’t sure it was alive to begin with, and while pondering the philosophical depths of life, came across questions for which he could not find answers. Below are a few more of those questions.
How come you can beat the odds, but never the evens?
How come formatting something means to put it in some sort of structure, but to reformat something means to wipe away all the structure?
How come falling in love leads only to a broken heart?
How come you can take a turn, but never give one?
How come you can fancy something, but are always told to speak plainly?
How come you can give a damn, but never take one?
After you put on airs, how do you take them off?
How come you can go for broke, but have to stop on a dime?
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, question of the day, questions, word play
The Devil’s Dictionary: miscreant
Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, here is a definition for the word miscreant The Old definition is Bierce’s. The New definition or comment are mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.
Old definition
Miscreant, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present significance may be regard as theology’s noblest contribution to the development of our language.
New definition
Miscreant, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth, such as a politician or political pundit who wraps herself in the flag like swaddling clothes; proclaims “family values” as if they were a manger under siege, yet does nothing for families in dealing with the ravages of capitalism as the top 1 percent of the wealthiest people in the country control more wealth than the bottom 40 percent, and “wants to take my country back” as if somehow retreating into the past will deal with the future.
Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, holding an unorthodox or false religious belief. Again, see politician political pundit as described above. There is nothing more heterodoxical than living in a past that never was.
May want to see previous Devil’s Dictionary entries on politicians, politics, and orthodoxy.
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, humor, miscreant, satire
Found story: the eyes have it
He was a small time thief. Never stealing more than what it took to get by. He’d been caught a couple of times, but managed to work his way out of any real time behind bars by turning snitch or offering some other piece of information the cops could use.
But this was one theft attempt he couldn’t believe. He was being paid to steal two pairs of eyeglasses: a mother’s and a daughter’s. He didn’t like the idea of stealing a young girl’s glasses. He had less than 20/20 vision himself, but because it wasn’t discovered until he was in high school, he had already been labeled difficult to teach, a problem student, and his grades had suffered, and so at sixteen, he dropped out of school and into a life of crime. He didn’t want that to happen to her, but eventually decided the money was too good to pass up. The guy who wanted the glasses, wanted both pairs. He wouldn’t settle for only one.
But he had to steal the glasses today, before 9 PM, or no money. It was already 4 PM when he got the job. It was 5:30 and storming when he found the mother and daughter.
He followed them and decided to strike when they walked into a building that had once housed a milling company. The banner on the awning of the renovated entryway said: “Amateur joke night: Everybody welcome.”
Certainly, there would be a chance here to steal the glasses. His only concern was he had not seen the glasses he was supposed to steal, at least not up close. Like most women he knew, they were probably vain about wearing them, unless they had to. Of course, he was a little vain about wearing his glasses, too, and he hated the idea of contacts. His poor eyesight has been one of the main reasons he had never been more than a petty thief.
He sat beside the mother and daughter, the mother’s big handbag on the floor between them.
The joke telling went on for too long. Most of the jokes were old, and most of the telling was enthusiastic but unpolished. Every now and then there was a good laugh. On top of that, the room was warm. Sweat ran down the back of the petty thief’s neck. The time was 8:37 PM. It would take him ten minutes to get to the meeting point.
The mother picked up the bag, took something out, laid the bag back down, and then turned away from the thief and was talking with her young daughter.
The petty thief glanced around to see if anybody was looking, then reached down and gently pulled the bag into this lap. He was looking down into it when the lightning cackled, the thunder boomed, and then the lights immediately went out.
When the lights winked back on, he was still holding the handbag. It was 8:46. The mother and daughter turned to look at him. He screamed, threw the bag down, and bolted from the room.
Everyone laughed.
It wasn’t until he was safely outside in the rain that the petty thief understood why the person he was stealing the glasses for was called “The Clown.”
Filed under eye glasses, Found story, humor, story
The Kibitzer and The Kidd, part 5
[Editor’s note: Parts 1 – 4 on the blog. You can click on “Kibitzer or Kidd in the Tags below to reach he previous entries. I am working to make this a monthly feature on the blog. Hope you enjoy this science fiction western with a dash or two of humor set in a quirky time and place: not quite and not quite there.]
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The Kibitzer didn’t know what to make of the situation when he stumbled though the swinging saloon doors and everybody was staring at him. Normally, he was the one doing the staring.
Rain dripped off his hat and clothes.
He smiled. No one smiled back, not even the Kidd. As he stepped the rest of the way into the saloon, he heard a voice say, “Donut go there.”
He looked down at the floor, certain that’s where it came from. But how could the floor speak?
“Did you get them?” the Kidd asked.
“Wipe your feet,” the robust saloon woman said.
The Kibitzer pointed outside. He made a slash like lightning, raised his knee, and then spread his arms wide.
“Speak. You know I don’t read pantomime.”
“Maybe I can help,” Al Wayne said. “He probably saw one of our fair citizens zapped by lightning who then got up and walked away. The first time somebody witnesses it, it tends to leave them at a loss for words.”
The Kibitzer pointed at Wayne and nodded.
“I talk about it in my book, Global Warning. Though I’m not quite sure what the raised knee means.”
The Kibitzer turned slightly red.
The saloon doors swung open again. This time Bonnie came through, carrying a bag. She, too, dripped rain on the floor, but the Kibitzer didn’t hear anything from the floor, or what he thought was the floor, as she approached.
“You forgot these.” She held them out toward him holding the bag between her finger and thumb as if trying to be ladylike or as if what was inside was as foul as fresh dog poop.
The Kibitzer nodded toward the Kidd.
Bonnie didn’t move.
The Kibitzer nodded again. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t speaking. He had been able to after she kneed him. Was the big guy with the bent sheriff’s star on his chest right? Was it the excitement of seeing somebody zapped by lightning, then being told he would rise from the dead, then begin to see the dead stir as he ran across the wide street of mud that left him, the Kibitzer dumbfounded? He had witnessed many things, even eaten some bad popcorn while witnesses them, but he had never been at a loss for words – until now.
“Don’t worry, Kibbey, I won’t knee you again.”
Kibbey? No one called him Kibbey!
The entire room broke out in laughter. Even the big guy with the bent star chuckled.
Nobody told Bonnie to wipe her feet.
(To Be Continued…)
The blathering idiot and cornucopia’s delight
“Why don’t we have pet names for each other?” Zoey asked.
The blathering idiot’s on again, off again girl friend appeared very concerned with the answer to this question. Unfortunately, he did not have one: answer or pet name. He did know that Valentine’s Day was coming, and being short of cash, he proposed this idea: “What if we give each other pet names for Valentine’s Day?”
Zoey nodded, then added, “But I think we should make it a little more sporting. We each come up with a pet name for the other person and whoever comes up with the best one, gets to pick his or her own pet name, which the other one has to use in public.”
“No matter what?” he asked.
“No matter what.”
The blathering idiot felt acid pour into his stomach and forgot to ask who would be the judge.
It was 48 hours to Valentine’s Day and the blathering idiot had no idea how to begin. Where did people get “pet names” anyway? Didn’t they just make them up?
The blathering idiot tried making up a pet name. He filled up pages and pages of names he scratched down and then scratched out. But the ones he liked best: indigo eyes and violet lips would have forced him to get a new girl friend and he didn’t think that’s what Valentine’s Day was about.
He pulled a dictionary off the library reference shelf, and frantically rifled through it, scanning and flipping pages as fast as he could. It was less than a day to V-Day and he felt the acid in his stomach was about to eat through his brain. Somehow, cornucopia’s delight, while different, was a little hard to say regularly.Xenia, Zoey’s daughter, was at the library, and seeing the blathering idiot in such a lather, she took pity on him. She walked up to him and told she would give him the same list she had given her mother, a list she had printed off the Internet.
The list was in three columns, the first column with the names; the second column saying if was a female “term of endearment,” a male one, or both; the third column was for comment and usually had the word “caution” or words “explicitly suggestive” beside the terms that could be a problem. There were seven pages of these terms. The blathering idiot had no idea there were so many pet names (terms of endearment).
He immediately eliminated the terms cuddly wuddly, cutesy chick, cutesy pie, cutie pie (Did there really have to be two such ugly terms so closely related?), and cutie patootie. Anything that sounded like it might even remotely be referring to a body part would get him trouble.
He also eliminated sugar plum, sugar pie (What is it with pie?) sugar lips, sugar britches, sugar bun, and sugar booger because they all mentioned sugar, and Zoey had been complaining lately of being fat. Plus, to the blathering idiot, there was no way to make booger sound good.
Anything with baby in the phrase was also eliminated because she sometimes referred to Xenia as “her little baby,” which irritated Xenia no end. Of course, those terms with baby in them were the first ones Xenia suggested.
The blathering idiot also eliminated terms with flowers in them, especially buttercup, since it had both butter and was a flower. Zoey already had Xenia, and that was the only flower name she wanted in her life, unless they came in a bouquet.
The night before he was to meet with Zoey to decide who had the better “pet name,” the blathering idiot couldn’t sleep. He walked around his house saying all sorts of names out loud.
“Cherub?”
No. He wasn’t sure what that was, which probably meant he’d be in for it even before he got in to it.
“Bunny?”
No.
“Honey bunny?”
Definitely not.
“Love muffin?”
While he would love a muffin right about now, it being one of his favorite foods, it was still a food, and she knew muffins were one of his favorite foods, so he knew she’d be wondering if he was seeing her or a pumpkin chocolate chip muffin every time he said it. And truth be told, it was sometimes easier to picture himself with a muffin than with her.
Several hours later, in the wee hours of the morning, his voice hoarse and his thoughts a watercolor blur, he collapsed into a chair, the terms of endearment on the desk table beside him.
The next evening, dressed in a shirt, tie, and dress pants, he met Zoey at the appointed time in the appointed restaurant.
He wasn’t quite sure who should speak first, and he guessed neither did she.
Finally, she said, “Who should go first?”
The blathering idiot quickly took a sip of water, but then decided to get it over with. He first started off explaining everything he had gone through to get to his conclusion, but long before he was near his conclusion, Zoey was drumming her fingers on the table.
Finally, she said, “What did you decide?”
The blathering idiot quickly took another sip of water.
Unable to think of anything – he’d even left the list at home – he blurted out the first thing that came to mind: “Cornucopia’s delight.”
Except it didn’t come out quite that way. Instead it came out “Corn and peas deli.”
Stunned for a moment, Zoey then laughed and laughed and laughed, but in short order told him that if he didn’t take their relationship any more seriously than that, she never wanted to see him again.
Just then a tray of muffins came by the table, and the blathering idiot decided he’d think about those for a while.
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, cornucopia, humor, pet names, Valentine's day




Wealthy, motivated by greed, are more likely to cheat, study finds
People of higher status are more prone to cheating, taking candy from children and failing to wait their turn at four-way stops, a UC Berkeley experiment finds.
http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la-sci-0228-greed-20120228,0,5965885.story?track=icymi
By Eryn Brown, Los Angeles Times
7:07 PM PST, February 27, 2012
The rich really are different from the rest of us, scientists have found — they are more apt to commit unethical acts because they are more motivated by greed.
People driving expensive cars were more likely than other motorists to cut off drivers and pedestrians at a four-way-stop intersection in the San Francisco Bay Area, UC Berkeley researchers observed. Those findings led to a series of experiments that revealed that people of higher socioeconomic status were also more likely to cheat to win a prize, take candy from children and say they would pocket extra change handed to them in error rather than give it back.
Because rich people have more financial resources, they’re less dependent on social bonds for survival, the Berkeley researchers reported Monday in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. As a result, their self-interest reigns and they have fewer qualms about breaking the rules.
“If you occupy a more insular world, you’re less likely to be sensitive to the needs of others,” said study lead author Paul Piff, who is studying for a doctorate in psychology.
But before those in the so-called 99% start feeling ethically superior, consider this: Piff and his colleagues also discovered that anyone’s ethical standards could be prone to slip if they suddenly won the lottery and joined the top 1%.
“There is a strong notion that when people don’t have much, they’re really looking out for themselves and they might act unethically,” said Scott Wiltermuth, who researches social status at USC’s Marshall School of Business and wasn’t involved in the study. “But actually, it’s the upper-class people that are less likely to see that people around them need help — and therefore act unethically.”
In earlier studies, Piff documented that wealthy people were less likely to act generously than relatively impoverished people. With this research, he hoped to find out whether wealthy people would also prioritize self-interest if it meant breaking the rules.
The driving experiments offered a way to test the hypothesis “naturalistically,” he said. Trained observers hid near a downtown Berkeley intersection and noted the makes, model years and conditions of bypassing cars. Then they recorded whether drivers waited their turn.
It turned out that people behind the wheels of the priciest cars were four times as likely as drivers of the least expensive cars to enter the intersection when they didn’t have the right of way. The discrepancy was even greater when it came to a pedestrian trying to exercise a right of way.
There is a significant correlation between the price of a car and the social class of its driver, Piff said. Still, how fancy a car looks isn’t a perfect indicator of wealth.
So back in the laboratory, Piff and his colleagues conducted five more tests to measure unethical behavior — and to connect that behavior to underlying attitudes toward greed.
For instance, the team used a standard questionnaire to get college students to assess their own socioeconomic status and asked how likely subjects were to behave unethically in eight different scenarios.
In one of the quandaries, students were asked to imagine that they bought coffee and a muffin with a $10 bill but were handed change for a $20. Would they keep the money?
In another hypothetical scenario, students realized their professor made a mistake in grading an exam and gave them an A instead of the B they deserved. Would they ask for a grade change?
The patterns from the road held true in the lab — those most willing to engage in unethical behavior were the ones with the highest social status.
One possible explanation was that wealthy people are simply more willing to acknowledge their selfish side. But that wasn’t the issue here. When test subjects of any status were asked to imagine themselves at a high social rank, they helped themselves to more candies from a jar they were told was meant for children in another lab.
Another experiment recruited people from Craigslist to play a “game of chance” that the researchers had rigged. People who reported higher social class were more likely to have favorable attitudes toward greed — and were more likely to cheat at the game.
“The patterns were just so consistent,” Piff said. “It was very, very compelling.”
Piff, who is writing a paper about attitudes toward the Occupy movement, said that his team had been accused of waging class warfare from time to time.
“Berkeley has a certain reputation, so yeah, we get that,” he said.
But rather than vilify the wealthy, Piff said, he hopes his work leads to policies that help bridge the gap between the haves and have-nots.
Acts as simple as watching a movie about childhood poverty seem to encourage people of all classes to help others in need, he said.
eryn.brown@latimes.com
Copyright © 2012, Los Angeles Times
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Conclusions:
And these are my own.
1) I particularly like the comment about the wealthy being more likely to take candy meant for a kid. The cartoons and comedies I saw as a kid showing just this sort of act weren’t that far off target.
2) With enough wealth, as the article states, we could be just like most of the wealthy in the study: more unethical than we are.
3) Seems to me the beginnings of a good case for some sort of — dare I say it — wealth redistribution. Seems it might just be good for a democratic republic like ours. Do it until we at least get the candy back, and maybe a little while longer.
4) Maybe the Occupy Wall Street people are on to something.
5) Cartoon commentary:
The emptiness you feel may be real.
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Filed under Cartoon, Commentary, L.A. Times, Random thought, redistribution, wealth
Tagged as cartoon, cheating, commentary, L.A. Times, marshall school, Occupy Wall Street, redistribution, social bonds, uc berkeley researchers, unethical acts, wealth