Okay, I accept the blame. I promise to do better next time and only keep you up slightly past your bed times, more or less, depending on the time zone differential and the quantum variables inherent in the shift to and from insanity, calibrated for the cosmic drift, divided by the universal constant, multiplied by a factor of factor where the q of a is equal to the sum of the parts of the partial sum, square rooted by a rutabaga.
Welcome to … my Fantasy Island
Filed under Random Access Thoughts, writing
It is a pity to live under a tax system where you must be smarter to figure out what you owe in taxes than the brain power it took to earn the money to begin with. I have a Master’s degree in English and have written for two small daily newspapers, two small national magazines, and have worked with scientists and engineers on technical documents and consumer documents, and the tax code is the worst cluster fubar of the English language that I have ever seen. It reads like it went through a meat grinder of politicians, lawyers (I know, any more using politician and lawyer in the same sentence is redundant), lobbyists (ubiquitous as cockroaches and also often lawyers) and bureaucrats, and what came out the other end would be suitable for use as secret code in any war. Nobody could decipher it. Not even us.
On top of that, you can get advise from an IRS representative, but it’s not legally binding.
I’m not a TEA party activist, but doing your taxes should not be an industry all to itself with preparers acting like the oracles at Delphi, or a chore, if done by yourself, relegated to the level of near madness.
Filed under Random Access Thoughts, taxes, words, writing
A piece of my recent handiwork: http://www.oldnorthknoxville.org/newsletter/Jun2010/letter6_10.pdf. I was asked to help out, so over the weekend put this newsletter together, including creating the composite logo by blending the circle and the rooftops. Not too bad for a ham handed graphic arts attempt.
The previous newsletter editor was suddenly no longer available to do it, so the Old North Knoxville neighborhood president asked for my help. I had done the newsletter for four years from 2002 to 2006, so I knew most of the drill. She supplied a large share of the photos and copy, though there were also many of my photos (mostly of people at volunteer events) that I supplied along with the write ups.
I also converted the photos from color to black and white since the newsletter is going to be printed and mailed to about 800 households in the Old North Knoxville neighborhood. And I did the layout.
It’s not bad for a rush job. The neighborhood has not had a newsletter since November 2009 and they usually come out 6 times a year. That’s why this one was 8 pages instead of the normal six.
Filed under Documentation, newsletter, Old North Knoxville, writing
If you like the posts in this web log (blog), see some of my other writing at www.talltalestogo.net — a home for words in story form.
Filed under Random Access Thoughts, web site, words, writing
If you were writing a story or novel and some or all of the characters were involved with the pornography industry, what would you name them? What would be the name of one of the movies they stared in?
What's in a Name?
Well, here is my suggestions:
Female: Annie Mall and Holiday O’Dare starring in the Shakespearean take off, The Taming of the Screw.
Co-starring that up and coming shemale porn star: Spenser Dick.
With a guest appearance by that male porn icon: G. Golly Wad.
Directed by: Buck Loins
Script by: Billy S. Spear
Produced by: Own Les VerGin
Best Grip (and yes there is such a position title in mainstream films): Howard Peterson
Shot on location in Simi Valley, CA.
With post production work at our world-famous Bangalore studios.
Worldwide distribution by BIMBO: BIg Man’s Britches Online.
Music by Howlin’ Jack and The Scratch and Sniff Quartet.
Filed under characters, names, puns, Random Access Thoughts, words, writing
I need my cookie fix
Submitted for your approval, a conspiracy that stretches back almost 100 years to the very bowels of America. In December 1917, one Candy Cane of the Mistletoe Troop in Muskogee, Oklahoma, executed the first Girl Scout cookie sale. Only interrupted by World War II, Girl Scout cookie sales have continued unabated to this very day. You may even be receiving or have received your shipment. And like most of us, you may have some left over from 2009, 2008, and maybe even 2007. They are almost fruitcake fiendish in their ability to maintain a shelf life, or live in the back of your freezer.
It is this very quality that is the basis of our latest conspiracy theory.
Consider this: Since 1917, and certainly since the end of WWII, the average American’s waistline has expanded faster than the universe. In a recent survey of 100,000 Americans, 20% of men were portly and 25% were so fat they had trouble finding their waist when it was to be measured. And 60% of women were pear shaped. (http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/6254.php)
As of 2007, sales of Girl Scout cookies were estimated at about 200 million boxes per year. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Scout_cookie)
And now the Girl Scouts even have a web site where you can go and download recipes so you can use your thin mints in making brownies and your crumbled up Samoas in your batter-fried shrimp dish. Is it any wonder that these are the two top selling Girl Scout cookies? (http://www.girlscouts.org/program/gs_cookies/cookie_faqs.asp)
Add to that this reality: now even schools are getting in on the act of selling processed sugar delights to raise money. Why, just the other day as I walked down the hallway of my daughter’s school, a cute red-head boy offered to sell me a dozen Krispy Kremes so he could go on a field trip to Washington, D.C. It has gotten that brazen. It has gotten that out of control!
And last night, well, last night when a young man from a local high school walked up to my door and under the cover of darkness attempted to deliver my order of cookie dough so he could buy a new band uniform, it hit me: It’s a conspiracy!
Our school children are making us fat! And what’s worse, they don’t even know they are doing it. They are in the thrall of powers larger than themselves.
And it’s been going on for almost a century!
That cute red-headed boy wanted to go to D.C. not to learn, but to get his next level of indoctrination.
Why have not our enlightened pundits spoken up? Where is Rush and Bill, Glenn and Sean? Has Rush been Do-si-Do-ed into submission? Has Bill been Thin Minted? Is Glenn just a Tagalong for those behind this conspiracy? Has Sean been slipped thousands of Samoas to keep quiet?
Even Sarah is silent on this issue. Does she not feel an obligation to retard this vast and growing conspiracy?
Where has my thin America gone? It brings tears to my eyes as I try to tie my shoes. I just want my thin, unMinted America back. Will nobody save us from ourselves?
I can’t bear to think about it any longer. I have to go and have my milk and cookies now to drown my sorrows. Maybe a Trefoil or two will help. I’ll call my childhood friend, the Cookie Monster, and see if he can come over and assure me everything will be alright, that my world isn’t crumbling.
Filed under conspiracy, humor, pundits, Random Access Thoughts, writing
Books and Glasses
And as a writer, I enjoy a little play on words.
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.”Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire …. and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with… transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression … “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that … the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”
One, don’t eat spicy food the evening before an interview. I generally like spicy food and ate some good, very spicy Thai food with a friend the evening before an interview with a placement firm. Normally it is no problem, but I guess nerves being what they are, I kept feeling a “fire down below” during the interview process, and this was on a very cold winter morning. The office I was in was floor to ceiling glass windows on one side with some degree of condensation on it, so you would think the extra “heat” I was packing would have been welcomed by me. Not really. But don’t worry, I did not make unwanted noises or odors. But I was relieved when the interview was over and the “fire down below” began subsiding.
Two, make copies of the answers to the written questions you are asked. I have made several applications online, and the information used on one online application can generally be used in other applications. At least for me, it saves having to completely re-engineer an answer. It also gives you a chance to review what you wrote and possibly improve on it the next time around.
Filed under interview, Job Hunting, writing
I meant to post this early, but time and the holidays got away from me. But now I am. In the overall scheme of things, it is a small item, but an appreciated one. This is a certificate of appreciation from the company I worked for for seven months in 2009, doing contract work, C.J. Enterprises. It says, “In appreciation for outstanding commitment, contribution and most of all for being a team player. December, 2009.” It was a pleasant surprise when it arrived in the mail. I had no idea it was coming.
Certificate of Appreciation
Filed under certificate, Documentation, technical writing, writing
This article in the Wall Street Journal has shown up in a couple of places, so I thought I would put it up here:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703414504575001271351446274.html
From the article, it looks like book publishers, at least in the U.S. are no longer reading their slush piles and pushing that responsibility off on agents. While this article focuses on U.S. publishing, any more U.S. publisher are simply parts of larger international conglomerates, so I don’t see why this wouldn’t take place in other countries, too.
Unfortunately, it will only create further bottlenecks and a further push to find the next blockbuster. After all, agents only make money on commissions, and if they have to spend more time doing what publishing house used to do at least some of, it only means the agents are going to focus on making up for lost time/money by taking on those things they think are “sure bets” with an emphasis to be blockbusters, otherwise the publishers won’t bite on the manuscripts and the agents will have lost even more time/money. Much of this comes from too much vertical integration, i.e. one conglomerate buying another conglomerate buying another conglomerate buying another, and so on. It’s the larger cow syndrome, whereby a cow twice the mass of its ancestor needs a neck three times the size just to hold its head up.
Filed under agents, publishers, writing
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