There’s nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. –Walter Wellesley “Red” Smith
Category Archives: words
I am what I am, and that’s all that I am
# I live in my own little world but it’s OK, everyone knows me here.
# I don’t do drugs ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
# Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
# If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?
# I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
# The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
# I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
# No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.
# How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
The Blathering Idiot and the Bowl Museum
The blathering idiot was helping Xenia get her breakfast. Xenia was his on again, off again, on again girlfriend’s six-year-old daughter. Why Xenia’s name didn’t begin with a “Z,” like her mother’s – Zelda – the blathering idiot didn’t understand, but he didn’t and it was a school day, so it was a question for another time.
While helping her with breakfast, the blathering idiot thought he would impress Xenia. He found a one-serving box of her favorite cereal, and the box had perforations on one side of the outside that formed an “I.” When he opened the box using the perforations, it instantly turned the box into a bowl.
Dinosaur on the way to the Bowl Museum
Xenia looked at the box with the flaps folded back and the cereal floating in milk. Then she looked up at the blathering idiot. “So, this was what you used before they invented bowls?”
The blathering idiot was dumbfounded.
Xenia had a piece of toast for breakfast.
Later that morning, when the blathering idiot was walking Xenia to school, he told her stories about his walking to school, and he often had to do it all by himself and how it was a long walk full of wild animals and dark places and not nearly as easy as it is today.
Xenia nodded, and as they stood outside the front door of the school, she looked up at the blathering idiot and asked, “Did you see many dinosaurs back then?”
Four Clues to Writing a Mystery
[This is taken from an e-newsletter sent out by the writer Bruce Hale. You can find more information at Bruce Hale Writing Tips.]
When I wrote my first mystery, I had no idea how to do it. I
actually had characters tell my detective riddles that would lead
him to the next thing he needed to discover. To be honest, I had
no clue how to construct a clue.
But after you write a few of these things, you start to see how the
mystery is made. Herewith, four helpful hints on writing a mystery:
1. Play fair with the reader
Mystery readers hope that you’ll surprise them, but that surprise
must be a fair one. You can’t tease readers with three suspects
throughout your story, and then suddenly reveal that a character
they’ve never met is responsible. That’s not playing fair.
Don't forget the unwritten rule: write!
play fair with these people, you need to plant a clue or two that
points toward your real culprit. Make it subtle, a throwaway line
perhaps, but make sure it’s there.
2. Keep your reader’s age in mind
Obviously, the mystery in a Cam Jansen chapter book is going to be
just a tad simpler than that in a Raymond Chandler tale. You want
to keep your reader guessing, but you don’t want things to be so
convoluted that he or she gets completely lost — especially in a
children’s book.
Your story should be just a little trickier than readers think they
can handle. If you have any doubts, ask a reader in your target
age range to take a look at the story. If your story leaves her
completely clueless, it’s time to simplify.
3. Merrily misdirect
One of the keys to successful mystery writing is misdirection.
Your readers should suspect every possible culprit but the real
one.
How do you do this? Make your clues point strongly toward one
character, then show that he’s innocent. Make your suspects take
actions that can have two interpretations, and let the reader and
detective erroneously assume the worst.
4. Write from the ending
Most mystery writers I talk with say that they figure out the
ending first — what’s the crime, who’s the culprit, why’d they do
it? — before plotting the rest of the book. Once you’ve got that
sorted out, it’s a matter of concealing it.
You’ll want your detective to take a circuitous route, often
running into brick walls. You’ll want her to think she’s got it
all solved, only to have the rug pulled out from under her.
Mysteries are all about the progressive unraveling of the unknown.
But it’s the *way* you unravel it — using misdirection, considering
your reader, and playing fair — that makes for a satisfying read.
Filed under mystery, mystery writing, words, writer, writing, writing tip
Writing Quote for the Day
“Don’t get it right, just get it written.” —James Thurber
And if you don’t know who James Thurber is, I suggest starting here: The Thurber House.
Filed under advice, humor, James Thurber, words, writer, writing, writing tip
Humor and the art of capitalization
In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many who text message and email, have forgotten the “art” of capitalization. Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the following statement.
I cannot stress enough that capitalization is important.
Capitalization is the difference between…
… helping your Uncle Jack off a horse.
or
… helping your uncle jack off a horse.
End of lesson
Filed under absurdity, capitalization, humor, words, writing, writing tip
The Blathering Idiot and the Call of Nature
The blathering idiot and his girl friend, Zelda, decided that the first day of Spring was the perfect time to go out into Nature, to experience the Wilds. Except, it was not as easy as either one of them would like. As the blathering idiot found out, Zelda was allergic to rag weed, tree pollen, broad-leaf grasses, and short-leafed flowers just to name a few of the offending items. The blathering idiot, too, was finding he had allergies to many wild animals with fur or feathers or scales, as well as a strong allergic reaction to poison ivy.
They had both also heard of the smog alert creeping up even into the mountains, the need for more sunscreen due to increased global warming, and the invasion of fire ants and even killer African Bees.
At first, the blathering idiot didn’t know what to do. And after a while, it was beginning to look more and more like the trip into Mother Nature wasn’t going to happen. Then the blathering idiot had an idea. It took him a while to fashion on the pieces of the idea into one final whole, but when he was done, both he and Zelda agreed that it was the only way they could both get out into Nature.
"Honey, isn't Nature wonderful?! We really should get outside more often."
His only regret was that he drank too much water before going out into Nature and he hadn’t put a convenience zipper in the front of his.
The blathering idiot launders his own heart
The blathering idiot sat in the coin-operated launder mat watching his clothes dry. It had been a tough time since Valentine’s Day. He had forgotten to get his girl friend anything: no card, no flowers, no gift no matter how inexpensive, and though she was willing to forgive him, she said they needed to talk, and they would do so on the day he brought his laundry over.
The blathering idiot knew what talk meant. It meant that he, the blathering idiot, would need to make amends. He came prepared to offer everything: two-dozen flowers, three cards, an expensive dinner, an entire weekend watching “chick flicks.” Only thing she had to do was tell him what she wanted.
What she wanted from him was something he hadn’t anticipated. She simply said he wasn’t being romantic enough in the relationship and what did he intend to do about it?
The blathering idiot thought about it.
His girl friend waited.
“If I wore my heart on my sleeve, would you launder it?”
He stared at his pile of dirty laundry, hoping for inspiration.
Finally, he remembered that she’d often told him that while she wore her heart on her sleeve, he seemed to keep his tucked away somewhere, so he said something he thought was witty, something he thought would break the tension, something that might make her laugh and then they would forget about the question.
He said, “If I wore my heart on my sleeve, would you launder it?”
For the foreseeable future, the blathering idiot was laundering his own heart at a coin-operated place of his choosing.
He found no inspiration as he watched his shirts tumble dry.
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, observation, satire, story, words, writing
The Blathering Idiot and the Box of Everlasting Life
The blathering idiot saw the ad on the Internet, click on it, and was transported to a web site where the promoted product promised to…
Build a new, high-efficiency body:
Say NO to Memory loss
Say NO to Arthritis
Say NO to Pain
Say NO to short lives of 75 years max
Say NO to Ugliness.
Activate your dormant codes for advanced human ability and appearance.
Override the death code based on the carbon grid.
Make dominant your crystalline grid.
Make your DNA perfect again.
“I will show you how to self-heal,” Dr. Ben T. Err said. “My secret product formula, Dunthat, helps you create a new advanced physical form!”
Err then went on to talk about his advanced studies as an, Iridologist, Nutritionist, and Herbologist.
Best If Used By...
“Order today and learn how to upgrade your cellular character by releasing density, carbon congestion, primitive DNA, and by moving to crystalline dominance the natural way.”
The blathering idiot placed an order, which eventually arrived. When he opened the box, it contained a DVD, an instruction booklet, and a series of containers containing a series of products, all very herbal looking. And on the bottom of each container there was a sticker that read: “Best if used by” and a date. They all had the same date and that date had already passed.
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, story, the perils of writing, words, writing
Booker's Blog 
The Blathering Idiot and Discovery
The blathering idiot went to work for an advanced scientific and technology firm. One day, when he passes the door of a leading scientist of the firm, he found a note tacked to the door.
Upon further examination, he saw it was not a note, but a memo, on official company letterhead, from the legal firm that this company used when discussing patent and invention issue.
In short, the memo said: All discoveries must be registered with this firm before they are discovered. All inventions must be registered with this firm before they are invented. No patents will be issued unless the proper form has been filled out in triplicate and registered with this firm. We must be notified at least six months in advance of any discoveries, inventions, ideas, or potentially patentable issues. Those who fail to follow this memo will be properly punished.
After all, he needed the work.
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