Category Archives: words

The Blathering Idiot and the Epitaph

The blathering idiot was about to take a flight. He rarely flew, so he was particularly concerned with the possibility of not landing, or not landing correctly. Especially with the recent spate of air traffic controllers falling asleep, discussions of Christian Armageddon/Rapture, Mayan End of Time, and general pronouncements from certain pundits that America was on the wrong track and headed for its death, he didn’t want to get caught short, though he wasn’t quite sure what short was or why getting caught short was a bad thing. Did that mean getting caught tall was a good thing? The blathering idiot was of middling height, so where did that leave him, he wondered.

The blathering idiot made all the arrangements. He wrote out a will, though he wasn’t quite sure how to test it so it could be will and testament. He made provisions for somebody to take care of his dog. He left a love note for his on again, off again, maybe again girl friend Zelda, and a few words of advice in a note for her daughter Xenia. He hoped that she would understand to definitely NOT take any wooden nickels. Though he had never seen one himself, he heard they were a bad thing. If nothing else, it might mean you’d one day reach your hand in your pocket and find you had a pocket full of splinters.

After all the other arrangements were made, there was still one the blathering idiot had not made: his epitaph. He had thought long and hard about this. What to say that would sum up his life in a few words. He spoke with different religious leaders of different faiths and even looked in several holy books, but nothing quite suited him.

He looked up epitaphs of famous people. He didn’t quite understand the one that read: “All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” But maybe he would after he was dead. He looked at the epitaphs of the not-so-famous people in big graveyard near his house. (He did not discuss it with Zelda. Things were off again with her and what she would probably recommend would not be what he would want resting above him for eternity, particularly if her last words when they broke up were any indication.)

He asked a few of his friends. One said say something witty. Another said, why say anything at all?

As the flight time was fast approaching, in an act of desperation, the blathering idiot consulted books and documents. Over and over again, a certain set of words kept appearing. He wasn’t quite sure why there were on the pages they were on. These pages were often blank, except for these words. Maybe this was a sign. Also, he had not seen them on a gravestone before, so they might have the advantage of being one of a kind, and the blathering idiot liked the idea of being one of a kind.

The person who would have his headstone carved in the event of the inevitable looked at the words and then looked at the blathering idiot oddly. Finally, he shrugged and said, “It’s your funeral.”

This Space Intentionally Left Blank

THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

Now the blathering idiot could go on his trip with a clear conscience and a sense of peace, knowing that the words above him would be one of a kind, and even a little cryptic like the Philadelphia epitaph. They would be the last words, and they would be words nobody could argue with, not even Zelda. And if for some reason they couldn’t find his body after the plane crashed, the words would be even more significant. They would be his words, or at least ones chosen by him. Below his date of birth and date of death, in all capital, bold letters – because that was how he often saw them – would be this sentence: “THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK.”

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Filed under absurdity, air, Armageddon, Blank, blathering idiot, Cartoon, Christian, End of Time, humor, imagination, Mayan, Random Access Thoughts, Rapture, satire, traffic controller, words, writing

I drink

Found this on the back of an old paperback book published in 1949. In describing himself, the author writes: “Yes, I have actually mined coal, and distilled liquor,

James M. Cain brief biography

James M. Cain brief biography

as well as seen a girl in a pink dress, and seen her take it off. I am 54 years old, weigh 220 pounds, and look like the chief dispatcher of a long-distance hauling concern. I am a registered Democrat. I drink.”

Don’t know that you would find a brief author write up in the back of a book quite so colorful today.

I found this book at a local used book shop called Central Street Books. The original price was 50 cents, but I paid $4, and that was primarily because I liked the brief author autobiography on the back.

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Guest Blogger Mark Twain on Words to be Wary of

Mark Twain photo

photo of Mark Twain

“Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” —Mark Twain

Unfortunately, there are fewer editors around these days, the victims of corporate downsizing many of them, so you will probably have to do this yourself, but it might just work. Every time you want to write “very,” write “damn” instead, then read the story out loud. Just don’t do it at an open mike night.

To learn more about Mark Twain: Mark Twain.

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Words to be Wary of

In an effort to help those who may have been hit by the onslaught of marketing slurry that passes through the English language, every now and then, I will post some words or phrases that are absurd, unless you are in marketing, sales, or some other line of work where junking up the language is simply a way of life. To start, I submit two:

Free Gift. By its definition, a gift is free, at least to the recipient. If somebody gives you a gift that’s not free, then it is not a gift.

Truly Unique. Can something be falsely unique? Unique means one of a kind. Doesn’t matter if it is a good one of a kind, or a bad one of a kind, it is a one of a kind. If it is unique, by its definition it is true to itself because it is one of a kind.

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The blathering idiot — if money were no object

If money were no object

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Don’t touch those “bath salts”

NASHVILLE, TN. In an effort to curtail drug crime in Tennessee, on April 18, 2011, the Tennessee state Senate unanimously approved a bill prohibiting the possession or sale of methcathinone, presently sold legally as “balt salts” or sometimes “Molly Plant Food.”

Law enforcement says abuse of this psychoactive stimulant, which is considered addictive, is on the rise.

Man in shades offering bath salts for sale

Hey lady, don't run away. I got just the bath salts you need.

In passing the bill, the state Senate joined the state House of Representatives, which had already unanimously passed HB457.

But the new law, which awaits the governor’s signature, only makes it a misdemeanor to posses or sell this addictive stimulant.

Why wasn’t it made a felony? Reason: the projected costs of incarcerating those convicted caused the switch from originally being a felony to being only a misdemeanor with no mandated jail time.

One can only hope the state legislature will be so considerate of the incarceration costs should they wind up with the power to regulate a woman’s right to choose. See “Oh, how they torture the language so,” previously in this blog.

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Oh, how they torture the language so

From the desk of tortured logic and tortured words, we humbly submit this political flimflam and falderal:

NASHVILLE, TN: The Tennessee state Senate recently voted 24-8 to amend the state constitution giving future state legislatures the right to enact laws putting new restrictions on abortions in Tennessee.

Why?

Because in 2000 the Tennessee Supreme Court ruled that the state constitution gave Tennesseans, and particularly Tennessee women, greater rights in this area than the U.S. Constitution.

Now, the Tennessee bicameral legislature is majority Republican in both the Senate and House of Representatives, and the House is expected to also vote for this resolution.

I thought Republicans were for giving individuals the rights to determine their lives and here is a case where the state constitution gives individuals more rights, more individual power than the federal constitution. After all, one must remember that this is the same legislature that recently voted to allow Tennesseans to refuse to follow the new federal health care laws.

This amendment would read:

“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right to abortion or requires the funding of an abortion. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statutes regarding abortion, including, but not limited to, circumstances of pregnancy resulting from rape or incest or when necessary to save the life of the mother.”

There was an unsuccessful attempt by Senator Roy Herron, Democrat from Dresden, TN, to amend the amendment to protect the right to an abortion in the case when the mother’s life is in danger. According to Herron, the amendment, as drafted, says “the Legislature can protect you if they will or harm you if they want.”

In response to this, Senator Mae Beavers, a Republican from Mount Juliet, TN, said adopting the amendment would “convert the Supreme Court into a roving constitutional convention.” She went on to say that the amendment “is about returning to the people, through their legislators, the right to enact reasonable regulations to protect the health of women and the unborn.”

But the Tennessee Supreme Court has already ruled that the Tennessee Constitution, as presently written, gives the people, including women, more rights than the federal one to regulate her health and even that of her unborn child. It doesn’t say a woman has or should or is required to have an abortion. It says it’s not the government’s business.

Shouldn’t this be something Republicans should cheer, hold dear, almost sacrosanct?

But the Republican-controlled state Senate and House, the party of small government and fewer regulations, the party that believes that people can better regulate themselves than government, has decided here, the individual can’t be trusted to regulate herself, and wants to give that power to the state legislature, because in this case they know better. They want to be the roving constitutional convention, roving over individual rights as they see fit.

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Filed under absurdity, GOP, politicians, politics, Tenessee legislature, Tennessee Constitution, U.S. Constitution, words

Writing Tip: Drama is conflict

My writing is distinctly middle brow. Just ask anybody who has suffered through it. Still, I like to think that even in my middling way, I can offer some helpful advice when I stumble across it. Therefore, from time to time, I will post some writing advice, but not from me. The advice will come from established sources. I will endeavor not to make it overlong or overreaching, and sometimes it will simply be reminders of what we all probably already know, but it will be some tips I have picked up from reading, from attending writing conferences, or it may even come from you.

Writing with paperclips in ears and nose

Darma is conflict, sometimes even self-inflicted

The first bit of advice comes from a writing course the Knoxville Writers’ Guild sponsored way back in 1993. The teacher was Joseph Gunnels and the cost was $75. It was two-day event, May 15 and 16, and we spent part of a pleasant afternoon sitting on the grass outside the Candy Factory, on The 1982 World’s Fair site. I took over 30 pages of notes, but rather than bore you with details, here is the essence of what I took away from the seminar:

Drama is conflict;
Without conflict no action;
Without action no character;
Without character no story;
Without story, who cares?

In a future entry, I’ll give you a short, crisp definition for conflict that I learned at a more recent one-day writing seminar. It comes from a very highly regarded script doctor in Hollywood, but applies just as well to other forms of fiction writing. Stay turned.

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Mark Twain quote on writing

Mark Twain photo

photo of Mark Twain

“The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is you really want to say.” —Mark Twain

And somehow, if you don’t know who Mark Twain is, here’s where you can get a clue: Mark Twain.

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Sign of times: Quality Used Furniture

While the photo is not the clearest it could be, in its own way it may match the hand-painted sign that reads “Quality Used Furniture,” and underneath it are sections of firewood. Could the sign be referring to the birds that once nested in the tree’s branches? To the squirrels, rodents though they may be, that once frolicked about from sturdy limb to sturdy limb as they ventured forth from their squirrel nest? Or is this type of furniture what is meant by rustic or roughing it? Possibly this is a Platonic set of furniture. Furniture glimpsed obliquely and incompletely in its state of perfection.

What do you think it is? Make up your own caption and send it my way. I may list the most interesting ones.

Quality Used Furniture

The sign read: Quality Used Furniture

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