Category Archives: The Kibitzer and The Kidd

Workshop weekend: Saturday story: “The Kibitzer and the Kidd, part 9”

[Editor’s note: Parts 1 – 8 of The Kibitzer and the Kidd are available by clicking on “Kidd” or “Kibitzer” in the tag section. This is science fiction western with more than dollop of humor and satire.]

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“The Boss wants to see you,” said one of the men blocking the Kidd’s way.

They were both tall, thick, and none too brightly dress. In other words, they fit the typical definition of goons.

“Tell him I have an opening next Tuesday and I’ll pencil him in.”

One goon looked at the other one as if they were seriously considering this offer, and that’s when the Kidd made his move. He ran toward then, feinted to the right and then to the left, and then charged right toward them, intending to split the space between them. But a loose board sprang up from the floor, tripped the Kidd, and he tumbled into one of the goons, almost knocking the goon backwards.

Soon the second goon was behind the Kidd, pinning his arms to his side with the first goon pulled a dark hood over the Kidd’s head and tied his hands.
Then they started jerking him across the floor.

The Kidd thought he heard a floor plank say, “Had to do it to keep the plot going.”

It was then the Kidd realized he was looking at the plank with his right eye. The left one was covered. Soon they were both covered and he was lifted up and shoved outside.

The air felt noticeably cooler, as if the evening were sighing at the folly of humans. But there were also sounds: clanging and banging, voices raised and footsteps running along the wooden sidewalk. Somebody bumped into the Kidd, slumped by him, and continued running without even saying “excuse me.”

The Kidd thought he heard someone shout “Fire!” and “Spreading!” but he wasn’t sure from which direction.

Were they headed toward the fire? Were these goons going to throw him into the flames?

“There’s somebody trapped inside.”

“It’s only that Kidd fella.”

Two voices, both soon gone.

He was being lifted again. One goon on each side.

“Open the door,” the goon on his right said.

“You open it.” the other one said.

“The Boss is waiting.”

“Then open it.”

The Kidd kicked his legs around until he felt his boot hit something.

The goon on his left groaned.

The Kidd kicked again, aiming as best he could.

The goon let go and cursed.

The Kidd turned and kicked at the other goon while he worked his hands free. They had not tied them well. He then reached up for the hood.

He was free of the hood and the other goon at the same time. He turned to run and immediately bumped into a third person, who looked uncomfortable and displeased.

“You have come all this way to see me and now you want to leave so soon.” It was a statement and not a question.

“I came here for cough drops,” the Kidd said, “and a hot toddy. Whatever festering range war you have is none of my concern.”

“Global warming is everybody’s concern.”

The Kidd stared at the man. He was tall, stocky, and looked very much like Al Wayne. A step-brother maybe? Or was this some sort of joke with the same guy pretending to be two different people? That way, he got all the good lines.

“Let me introduce myself.”

“You are Al Wayne’s evil twin, John Gore.” It was a statement and not a question.

“Don’t interrupt the Boss!” one of the goons said and shoved the Kidd toward the surrey’s open door.

The Kidd tripped and fell to the street. The air was clearer down by the dirt, not as much smoke and burning odor, though it stank of the shit recently dropped by the horse pulling the surrey.

“Goon!” Gore said. He then reached out and helped the Kidd back up. “Please excuse the manners of my aides. Sometimes their enthusiasm exceeds my expectations.”

Gore brushed some of the dust off the Kidd’s upper arm. He then climbed inside the surrey.

The goon’s nudged the Kidd toward the surrey’s door.

“Let me go so I can help a friend who might be trapped in that fire. Then I promise I’ll come back and we can talk all you want.”

The goons kept the Kidd boxed in. He nudged away from the door, but the goons clamped hands on him, lifted him up and threw him inside. They then slammed the door shut.

The Kidd scrambled around the tight quarters until he was up on the seat opposite Gore.

“I will send my aides,” Gore said. “They can handle the situation better than you or I.”

Everybody wants to talk to me, the Kidd thought, but nobody says very much.

Reluctantly, he agreed. If nothing else, once the goons were gone, he could escape, albeit, without his sidearms. No plan was perfect.

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(To be continued….)

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The Kibitzer and The Kidd, part 8

[Editor’s note: Parts 1 – 7 of The Kibitzer and the Kidd are available by clicking on “Kidd” or “Kibitzer” in the tag section. This is science fiction western with more than dollop of humor and satire.]

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The Kibitzer couldn’t help himself. The flames were everywhere. Smoke embraced the air and made it suffocating.

He didn’t believe in the devil or demons – other than the ones you create or marry into – but the unholiness of the air made him wonder if there wasn’t something otherworldly afoot.

Then there was the quote running through his head, the one where the fat comedian turns to the skinny one with the big chin and doofus grin, and says, “This is a fine mess you’ve gotten use into.”

At a time of impending death, one shouldn’t be thinking of comedy, especially when you couldn’t remember the names of the comedians, especially the one with big chin and the doofus grin.

He heard voices beyond the flames, or at least thought he did. One voice kept yelling over and over: “Swallow the lozenges!”

The Kibitzer wasn’t sure what to make of the voice. The fire was loud and crackling. He never realized how much noise a fire made. If there was a hell and there were people in it and it was composed of fire, the people would not be able to talk to each other. Would not be able to listen to their own thoughts.

He felt for the lozenges. They were in a paper sack in his shirt pocket, but they felt soft, like warmed candle wax. Not yet liquid, but would soon be.

A new wall of flames sprouted up around him, forcing him to run further into the stable.

“Trust the lozenges.”

It sounded like a woman’s voice.

He heard the whinnying of a horse. The Kibitzer glanced around. He thought he had freed all the animals, except himself.

“Trust the lozenges.”

This time the words came with an image. It was the comedian with the doofus grin. The fat comedian with the small bowler hat standing next to him was breathing fire at him, smoke spewing out of the comedian’s ears. But the skinny comedian kept the same big grin.

The lozenges felt very soft when he touched his pocket.

Flames were everywhere. The air was hot, smoky, and unbreathable. But he was still breathing. Sweat flowed off the end of his nose.

The Kibitzer reached for the lozenges. Nobody was going to rescue him. Not now. Not ever. Not even the Kidd.

He heard the whinny again. Louder this time. Followed by kicking.

He had the lozenges out. They were oozing out of their wax paper wrappers and onto his fingers. The liquid was warm, but he could not feel its warmth.

He brought his fingers up to his lips.

The wall in front of him exploded inward, toward him. A part of the wall hit him, knocking him backwards, toward the wall of flames.

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t feel. He wasn’t sure he had swallowed. And as he started passing out, he heard the fat comedian say, “Well, Kibbey, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”

Except the comedian wasn’t talking to him, unless he was a … duacorn?

(To be continued.)

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The Kibitzer and The Kidd, part 7

[Editor’s note: Parts 1 – 6 of The Kibitzer and the Kidd are available by clicking on “Kidd” or “Kibitzer” in the tag section. This is science fiction western with more than dollop of humor and satire.]

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Al Wayne handed the Cough Drop Kidd a hot toddy. They were in Wayne’s private office off the mezzanine in the saloon.

Given the scuffed look of the saloon, this office was opulent with upholstered seats and an intricately carved fireplace mantel. There was no fire in the fireplace, and the Kidd wondered if it worked. Wayne assured him that it did, but that he rarely used it because it was an inefficient way to heat and added to the carbon footprint.

Wayne handed the Kidd a copy of his book, Global Warning. The Kidd wasn’t quite sure what to do, a warm drink in one hand and a cold tome in the other.
He laid the book on a side table by the chair, He was almost certain he heard the table sigh and mutter, “Oh, no, not another one.”

“Drink up,” Wayne said, raising his own drink to his lips and taking a sip. “It’s not often we get a toddy drinker in this town. It’s good to have a little sophistication every now and then.”

The Kidd didn’t think of himself as a sophisticate, only somebody with a sore throat from coughing too much.

“What about what the Kibitzer said. Is it true?”

Wayne smiled.

“That Bonnie can whip up some mighty powerful cough drops. Sometimes a whiff of those apothecary fumes can make you say things you normally wouldn’t.”
“So, it’s not true?”

Wayne shrugged. “Many folk around here have claimed they’ve been struck by lightning and then resurrected some time later. I don’t put much stock in it myself.”

The smile on Wayne’s face didn’t ease the feeling of disquiet the Kidd felt rippling just under his skin. Particularly since it was at Wayne’s insistence that the Kibitzer had to sleep I the stable on the edge of town. Not that it was a large town, and a few of the buildings only had facades and nothing behind them. One or two had signs that read: “Coming soon,” but nothing else. At one point in their travels together, the Kidd had heard the Kibitzer use the term Potemkin Village and he wondered if this might be that. The name of this place was Potomac. But there was no river nearby.

“You haven’t touched your toddy.”

The Kidd quickly took a sip. It was tepid now, but still tasted amazingly good. He took a second, long sip.

“Now, I have a question for you, Mr. Kidd.”

Kidd smiled. He rarely heard anybody call him Mr. Kidd. Kidd or hey you was more likely. For the moment, he couldn’t remember what the Kibitzer called him. Probably nothing he wanted to repeat.

Kidd wasn’t his real name, at least not the real name his parents gave him. But he abandoned that name shortly after he abandoned them.

“My question is in your travels have you heard anyone mention or met anyone by the name of John Gore?”

At that moment, the floor-faced man barged into the room. He spotted The Kidd and curled his lip.

“Fire. There’s fire down at the livery.” He said it breathlessly, but not in a good breathless way.

The Kibitzer, the Kidd thought.

“Save my horses. My prize Walkers,” Wayne said.

Wayne was at the door, shoving the floor-faced man out in front of him.

The Kidd put down his toddy on the book and headed for the door.

“Don’t forget your book,” the table said.

The Kidd hesitated.

“Take it, fool,” the table said.

The Kidd snatched it from under the toddy. The cup tipped over and smashed against the floor. Breaking china and escaping toddy skittered and splashed about.

“Oh, Mr. Wayne’s going to be mad. That’s not eco-friendly.”

The Kidd didn’t hear the table. He was down the stairs and almost to the saloon’s swinging front doors when two dark figures stepped in front of him, blocking his way. The Kidd tried going around them, but they would have none of it.

(To be continued…)

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