Category Archives: Saturday story

Two helpings of Sabbath

“The day of rest comes but once a week, and sorry am I that it does not come oftener. Man is so constituted that he can stand more rest than this. I often think regretfully that it would have been so easy to have two Sundays in a week, and yet it was not so ordained. The omnipotent Creator could have made the world in three days just as easily as he made it in six, and this would have doubled the Sundays. Still it is not our place to criticize the wisdom of the Creator.” – Reflections on the Sabbath – Mark Twain

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Workshop weekend: Saturday story: The blathering idiot and Spotted Dick

The blathering idiot darts up to a stocking clerk in a grocery store.

“You’re Spotted Dick, where is it?”

The male stocking clerk looks at him. “Come again?”

“Your Spotted Dick,” the blathering idiot said. “I need your Spotted Dick.”

“But I don’t have one.”

“One? One what?”

“Spotted dick, sir.”

“But you’ve advertised that you do.”

The clerk’s face turns red.

“I have not!”

“Yes, you have.”

“No I haven’t!”

“Yes, you have advertised that you have Spotted Dick.”

The clerk blushes. “That’s not what I advertised, sir.”

The blathering idiot stops, looks at the young man, a couple of small clusters of acne on his check and chin, and slowly realizes he may have been misunderstood.

He spots another clerk. This time a woman. He walks up to her. “Have you Spotted Dick?”

“Have you tried aisle nine?” she says and then quickly walks away.

Spotted Dick

Canned Spotted Dick; find it at your local grocery store. Just be careful whom you ask.

“Thank you.” The blathering idiot walks over to aisle nine. It is an aisle of coffee and tea and some drinks in pouches, but there is no Spotted Dick. He stomps up and down the aisle twice and is about the curse this store, the earth, even the universe itself when a woman walks by, Spotted Dick in her cart, near the top, the name in plain view.

His face lights up. He points at the can. “Madam, do you know what you have?!”

She looks him up and down. “It’s not what you think.”

“I know what it is.”

“It’s not disgusting or lewd.”

“Where … did … you … find it? I must have it.”

“It’s the last can and you can’t have it.”

“It’s the last can and I can’t have it?”

“That’s right.”

“No it’s not. It’s the last can and I can have it.” He reaches forward, snatches it out of her cart, and runs to the front of the store. He hears the woman wailing and sobbing, screaming to anybody and everybody that somebody has her Spotted Dick.

The blathering idiot is almost out of the store when he is stopped by an off duty police officer working as a security guard. The blathering idiot has his Spotted Dick firmly clutched in his hands. He told the checkout clerk he didn’t need a bag. Zoey was waiting. It was all she wanted to patch things up between them. It was British, she said, and she wanted to help celebrate the Olympics. She showed him the ad and off he dashed to the store, barely getting his clothes on.

“Sir, I need to see some ID,” the security guard says.

“What?” the blathering idiot asks. “I paid for it fair and square.”

The guard nods. “I’m sure you did, but I still need to see some ID. I’m afraid I am going to have to cite you.”

“For what?”

The guard looks down at what the blathering idiot has clutched in his hand. Then he looks down below that. “Sir, your fly is open and several people have spotted … have seen your spotted….”

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Workshop weekend: Saturday story: “The Kibitzer and the Kidd, part 9”

[Editor’s note: Parts 1 – 8 of The Kibitzer and the Kidd are available by clicking on “Kidd” or “Kibitzer” in the tag section. This is science fiction western with more than dollop of humor and satire.]

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“The Boss wants to see you,” said one of the men blocking the Kidd’s way.

They were both tall, thick, and none too brightly dress. In other words, they fit the typical definition of goons.

“Tell him I have an opening next Tuesday and I’ll pencil him in.”

One goon looked at the other one as if they were seriously considering this offer, and that’s when the Kidd made his move. He ran toward then, feinted to the right and then to the left, and then charged right toward them, intending to split the space between them. But a loose board sprang up from the floor, tripped the Kidd, and he tumbled into one of the goons, almost knocking the goon backwards.

Soon the second goon was behind the Kidd, pinning his arms to his side with the first goon pulled a dark hood over the Kidd’s head and tied his hands.
Then they started jerking him across the floor.

The Kidd thought he heard a floor plank say, “Had to do it to keep the plot going.”

It was then the Kidd realized he was looking at the plank with his right eye. The left one was covered. Soon they were both covered and he was lifted up and shoved outside.

The air felt noticeably cooler, as if the evening were sighing at the folly of humans. But there were also sounds: clanging and banging, voices raised and footsteps running along the wooden sidewalk. Somebody bumped into the Kidd, slumped by him, and continued running without even saying “excuse me.”

The Kidd thought he heard someone shout “Fire!” and “Spreading!” but he wasn’t sure from which direction.

Were they headed toward the fire? Were these goons going to throw him into the flames?

“There’s somebody trapped inside.”

“It’s only that Kidd fella.”

Two voices, both soon gone.

He was being lifted again. One goon on each side.

“Open the door,” the goon on his right said.

“You open it.” the other one said.

“The Boss is waiting.”

“Then open it.”

The Kidd kicked his legs around until he felt his boot hit something.

The goon on his left groaned.

The Kidd kicked again, aiming as best he could.

The goon let go and cursed.

The Kidd turned and kicked at the other goon while he worked his hands free. They had not tied them well. He then reached up for the hood.

He was free of the hood and the other goon at the same time. He turned to run and immediately bumped into a third person, who looked uncomfortable and displeased.

“You have come all this way to see me and now you want to leave so soon.” It was a statement and not a question.

“I came here for cough drops,” the Kidd said, “and a hot toddy. Whatever festering range war you have is none of my concern.”

“Global warming is everybody’s concern.”

The Kidd stared at the man. He was tall, stocky, and looked very much like Al Wayne. A step-brother maybe? Or was this some sort of joke with the same guy pretending to be two different people? That way, he got all the good lines.

“Let me introduce myself.”

“You are Al Wayne’s evil twin, John Gore.” It was a statement and not a question.

“Don’t interrupt the Boss!” one of the goons said and shoved the Kidd toward the surrey’s open door.

The Kidd tripped and fell to the street. The air was clearer down by the dirt, not as much smoke and burning odor, though it stank of the shit recently dropped by the horse pulling the surrey.

“Goon!” Gore said. He then reached out and helped the Kidd back up. “Please excuse the manners of my aides. Sometimes their enthusiasm exceeds my expectations.”

Gore brushed some of the dust off the Kidd’s upper arm. He then climbed inside the surrey.

The goon’s nudged the Kidd toward the surrey’s door.

“Let me go so I can help a friend who might be trapped in that fire. Then I promise I’ll come back and we can talk all you want.”

The goons kept the Kidd boxed in. He nudged away from the door, but the goons clamped hands on him, lifted him up and threw him inside. They then slammed the door shut.

The Kidd scrambled around the tight quarters until he was up on the seat opposite Gore.

“I will send my aides,” Gore said. “They can handle the situation better than you or I.”

Everybody wants to talk to me, the Kidd thought, but nobody says very much.

Reluctantly, he agreed. If nothing else, once the goons were gone, he could escape, albeit, without his sidearms. No plan was perfect.

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(To be continued….)

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Filed under Saturday story, science fiction and western story, The Kibitzer and The Kidd, Workshop weekend