This just in from a church-going Southern Baptist who sends his son to a private Christian school: “I don’t care what he did in his personal life, I want Newt Gingrich to lead our country.”
It appears Newt’s having converted from Southern Baptist to Roman Catholicism doesn’t disturb some Southern Baptists like Roman Catholicism used to disturb them. I guess we can see that as a sign of improvement. John Kennedy would be proud.
Filed under GOP, politicians, politics, religion, satire
Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, in this political campaign year, here is a definition for the words Patriot and Patriotism. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.
Patriot, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.
Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary, patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that is it the first.
Updated definition: has anything changed since these definitions were first published? I think you could add to Patriot: The dupe of statesmen, the tool of conquerors, and the straw man of politicians. Anyone who does not agree with a politician’s stance for saving America is not a patriot (or even worse, a liberal).
It should also go without saying that scoundrel is a synonym for politician, and patriotism is often the first refuge of the politician, particularly when he (or she) doesn’t want to discuss something embarrassing or damaging, such as facts.
One also need remember this that an “-ism” as in patriotism is short for Ideology Stuck (in the) Mind. It has ceased to be a living idea and has become a petrified facsimile (or petrifac) of the real thing.
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, humor, patriot, patriotism, politicians, politics, satire, scoundrel
Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, here is a definition for the word abasement. The first definition is Bierce’s. The second one is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.
Old definition
Trust, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies.
Updated definition
Trust, n. In American politics, trust is that which is used to cover up what the “truth” won’t hide. For example, U.S. Senators and Representatives who beat the drum and say don’t trust the government, but do trust them. Truth is, once elected, they are the government and very few want to leave, even those crying out for smaller government. Along the way, they wish to create widows and retirees of small means, orphans in the care of of somebody else, and similar malefactor and public enemies, such as the ever shrinking middle class.
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Definition, Devil's Dictionary, humor, satire
First, the news:
http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/dec/27/gov-bill-haslam-beth-harwell-hesitant-drug-testing/
Tennessee legislature Senate Speaker Ron Ramsey says he expects lawmakers will pass a bill requiring drug tests for Tennesseans who get government assistance or workers’ compensation.
Other high-ranking Republicans aren’t so confident.
Ramsey recently told the Nashville Chamber of Commerce that a similar proposal last legislative session carried a $12 million price tag but didn’t take into account the savings from cutting off benefits to drug users.
House Speaker Beth Harwell says that while she agrees with the aim of the drug-testing proposal, the state’s top priority is balancing its budget.
Gov. Bill Haslam has raised questions about whether the federal government’s rules for the benefits programs give the state enough flexibility to start drug-testing recipients.
Now, a bit of older news:
Would you trust this man?
Would you trust this man with a handgun?
Would you trust him if you knew he was an ex-Memphis police officer?
Would you trust him if you knew he was an ex-police officer with a .38-caliber handgun tucked between the driver’s seat and console of his SUV?
Would you trust him if you knew he refused to take a Breathalyzer test, after being stopped by Nashville police officers for driving 60 miles per hour in a 40 mph zone and weaving across the double yellow lines on a street near Vanderbilt University?
Would you trust him if you knew he was Tennessee state Representative, Republican from Collierville?
Would you trust him if you knew he was the House sponsor of the bill (later mad law) allowing handguns in bars?
If so, Curry Todd, the man in photo, is the person you would trust.
Your tax dollars at work.
It will be interesting see how the state Republicans protect one of their own who to the serve part of the motto “to Protect and Serve” to mean how many drinks he could serve himself and still drive.
Sources:
www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/oct/12/lawmaker-arrested-on-drunken-driving-gun-charges/
www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/oct/12/sponsor-of-tennessee-guns-in-bars-bill-charged/
Given the existence of a possible drug problem within the Tennessee State legislature and since public officials are receiving public assistance, too, I propose that if they pass this law that the legislature have the moral rectitude to include themselves in the testing as well. And that any representative, senator, or governor that turns up with a positive drug test, including excessive use of alcohol, be automatically kicked out of office and that all pay and benefits end immediately. Furthermore, any state politician who has retired from office and is receiving any money or benefits from the state of Tennessee should also be subjected to this testing, with the same consequences. Furthermore, any positive results should be turned over to the proper authorities for potential criminal prosecution.
What do you think the chances of that are?
Filed under GOP, government, political humor, politicians, politics, Republicans, satire, state government
Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, here is a definition for the word abasement. The first definition is Bierce’s. The second one is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.
Old definition:
Orthodox, n. An ox wearing the popular religious yoke.
New definition:
Orthodox, n. An ox wearing the popular religious, political, or other social yoke. Especially true during an election year, and even more so as the “election year” becomes more than one year. The yoke gets broader and narrower at the same time, covering more of the ox, but holding him tighter and tighter. See also Heterodox.
Heterodox, n. More than one ox being yoked. Used to be a man didn’t care about another man’s yoke, as long as it wasn’t his ox getting gored. Nowadays, there are more yokes than oxen, so be careful or the yoke may be on you. If not careful, both orthodox and heterodox can lead to a bad case of oxymoron. That’s where your ox gets told how stupid it is, and the yoke becomes even tighter.
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, heterodoxy, humor, orthodoxy, puns, satire, Uncategorized, word play
Previously, parts 1 – 3 have been published here, but I thought I would include them along with a new part 4. More to come in this continuing offbeat story. If you enjoy it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that, too.
888888
The Cough Drop Kidd and the Kibitzer rode into town. It would have been in a cloud of mentholated dust, but because it was raining, it was in a slosh of mud and a cough laced with glycol. They were almost out of cough drops and the Kidd was not happy.
“Kibitzer,” he said between sniffles, “go get us some.”
“I’m only here to watch,” the Kibitzer said, “and for the popcorn.”
The Cough Drop Kidd pulled his six-shooter and pointed it at the head of Kibitzer’s horse. “You wanna observe riding or walking?”
The Kibitzer’s horse’s ears flicked back and forth as if trying drive away a fly. The Kibitzer blinked a couple times and finally said, “I’ll go watch the apothecary mix up a batch.”
The Kidd nodded and raised the barrel of his pistol skyward. “Be quick about it. I’ll be in the saloon getting a hot toddy. A little honey will help my throat.”
888888
The Kidd entered the saloon. It was beat up ol’ place with chairs that had legs that didn’t match and a bar rail so wobbly it had a hand printed sign hanging from it that said: Donut touch. That means u.
The floor creaked to the point he was sure it was talking to him, saying something like, “Donut go there.” But he paid it no heed as he stepped toward the bar. This part of the Wild Side was full of things that spoke when not spoken to. Some said it was haints. Others said it was spirits. And some even said it was bottled spirits. Even though he was wet all over, the Kidd was parched.
“Hey, dandy boy, wipe your feet. What do you think this is, your corral?”
A few people looked his way and a couple of folks chuckled, but most kept doing the mopping and card playing and lying they were doing before.
The woman yelling at him was tall and a little on the heavy side, which meant this business had been good to her. The Kidd liked that about her. She was standing behind the bar, so thus far what he liked was only from about the waist up. She was wiping out a glass.
When he was up near her, he whispered, “I’ll have a hot toddy.” His voice was about gone.
“Well, I do declare,” she said, “the dandy wants a hot toddy.”
“A what?” somebody at the bar asked. His back was to the Kidd, so the Kidd didn’t know what he looked like.
“A toddy. A hot toddy.” She said the words again and winked back at the Kidd. He wasn’t sure if it was a friendly gesture, or a twitch.
The man turned around. His face was as scuffed as the floor and as beaten up as the chairs. Tobacco juice ran out of one of the corners of his mouth. One eye was lazy and one earlobe looked as though a coyote had chewed on it.
“Dandy,” the man said, spitting on the floor, “we don’t serve your kind.”
It was that moment that the saloon went quiet, except for the gentle swinging of the saloon doors and the floor saying, “Told you.”
“Package,” a voice said. “Package for a Cough Drop Kidd. Is there a Cough Drop Kidd here?”
All eyes turned toward the Kidd.
The Kidd turned toward the delivery boy in his granny spectacles, gray cap with a black bill, and clothes too starched and too new to have been worn much in this town.
“One D or two?” the Kidd asked, lightning still flashing just outside the saloon doors.
“Ah,” the delivery boy looked down at the package, “two.”
“Good. The Kid with one D works the lower territory south of the divide. We call the divide the D-M-D for short.”
“And for long?” the boy asked.
“His D ain’t that long,” some cowboy shouted.
The others in the saloon chuckled.
The delivery boy turned bright red, dropped the package, and skedaddled out of the saloon, getting immediately struck by a lightning bolt. The box hit the floor and broke along one of its sides. It bulged open, spewing books across the hardwood, every last one of them different, one of each and each one about vampires.
“So, you a blood sucker, Dandy?” The floor-faced man stepped away from the bar and his hand rattled toward his holster. He had rattlesnake rattles in a band around his wrist and his hand twitched slightly.
The Kidd glanced around. The card games had stopped. The lying had stopped. Even the moping had stopped. The woman behind the bar twitched him another smile and then ducked down behind it. She moved quick for a big woman.
This town is cursed, thought the Kidd. But he didn’t have much time to think anything else. The floor-faced man’s hand was at the top of his holster.
888888
The apothecary was almost done making the cough drops, but the Kibitzer was tired of watching. He ho-hummed to himself, took another bite of some slightly stale popcorn, and decided watching was not always what he had pictured it would be. It was a very unpleasant observation and it did not sit well him or his stomach. The popcorn didn’t help. He belched once in hopes of relief.
It was during the descent of the belch out of his mouth that he heard what sounded like a pop, saw the delivery boy run out of the saloon, and then watched as lightning tripped the light fantastic across the kid’s body.
He then saw another two or three people scurry out of the saloon as if escaping an unpleasantry, like a distant relative’s interminable funeral or a spelling bee where they were next up and the word was interminable.
The Kibitzer forgot all about the cough drops and stepped outside, glancing toward the sky as if somehow he could observe a bolt of lightning before it hit him, and then considered running through the rain to the other side of the street.
That’s when a young lady came up and kneed him in the groin.
The Kibitzer dropped to the wooden sidewalk, balled up, and began rocking back and forth as if it might dissipate the pain.
“My name’s Bonnie,” she said, leaning over him. “No man leaves my apothecary without payin’ for what he ordered.”
“I wasn’t leaving,” the Kibitzer said, his teeth still clenched.
Finally, he rolled over onto all fours.
“Didn’t you see the kid out there? He got struck by lightning?”
Bonnie shrugged. “Happens a lot lately. He’ll be okay. Nobody in this town dies anymore. Been bad for my business, I tell you.”
The Kibitzer was again standing fully erect, if feeling a little tender. The rain had slackened to almost a light drizzle.
“We already lost two undertakers and the saw bones has gone back to yankin’ teeth. If it weren’t for medicinals for that, I’d probably be blowin’ in the wind, too.” She then slipped him the bill for the cough drops.
The Kibitzer looked at it. “What, no discount for the laying on of hands?”
She smiled at him, then raised her hand. In the muddled light of the evening, she still looked quite menacing. “I didn’t finish.”
The Kibitzer paid her and gave her a generous tip.
He then dashed out into the rain, forgetting the cough drops.
888888
“Now, now, gentlemen, there’s no need for fisticuffs.”
The voice preceded the groaning of the stairs behind the floor-faced man. A barrel-chested man appeared as if stepping out of an office built half-a-floor above the saloon.
The floor-faced man slid his hand down to his gun anyway, pulled it, and was aiming when the Kidd fired a shot that hit the gun, knocking it out of the floor-faced man’s hand.
The gathered crowd moved back and the floor-faced man scurried away. The man on the steps descended the rest of the way to the floor of the saloon.
“Some pretty fancy shootin’ there, pilgrim.”
The Cough Drop Kidd was as surprised as anyone, but he did his best to hide it. He slipped his pistol back into its holster.
The barrel-chested man walked up to the Kidd and extended his hand. “My name’s Al, Al Wayne, but you can call me Al.”
The Kidd extended his hand, keeping it clenched until the last second in order to keep it from shaking.
“You new in town, Kidd?”
The Kidd nodded.
Al looked over at the dropped box of books. “We don’t allow those type books in town. Frightens the children and some womenfolk.”
The Kidd looked over at the box. He thought about saying, again, it wasn’t his, that he hadn’t been expecting a package of any sort, but he didn’t want somebody else coming forth and accusing him of being a liar and challenging him on it, so instead, he said, “Well, Al, what sort of books do you allow?”
“Why, nice of you to ask,” Al said, reaching behind him and snatching a copy of the book from one of the saloon patrons. “This is the only good book we’re allowed to read here on the West Side. It’s called Global Warning. It’s one I wrote myself, before the collapse.”
Collapse? The Cough Drop Kidd didn’t know anything about a collapse. This was the only world he knew. He was about to ask when he heard the saloon doors swing open. He thought he better turn and take a look. Everybody else was.
(To Be Continued…)
Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, here is a definition for the word abasement. The first definition is Bierce’s. The second one is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries
Old definition:
Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
New definition:
Economy, n. Purchasing the house that you did not need for the inflated price that you could not reasonably qualify for, but did because the Wall Street banks wanted you to.
Old definition:
Effect, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other — which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog.
New definition:
Effect, n. Post hoc, ergo propter hoc. After it, therefore because of it. You bought the house you couldn’t afford because a loan you couldn’t understand and then the economy sank. Therefore, the sinking of the economy is your fault. Also known as the Fox News / Republicans-to-the-Occupy-Wall-Street-people interpretation of economic events.
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Definition, Devil's Dictionary, economy, effect, humor, satire
The blathering idiot had a blue tooth device for his cell phone. One of those devices that fits in the ear and wirelessly syncs to your cell so you can talk and receive calls while being hands free. The ear piece makes you look important or stupid. Zelda, the blathering idiot’s on-again, off-again girl friend had bought the device for him and he had eventually learned to work it. When he first wore it, she laughed and said he looked like a goofy Borg. It was then he told her she needed to lose a little weight.
There was one problem with the blue tooth. Every now and then, the voice in the blue tooth ear piece would announce in his ear: “There is no active phone.”
He would then move, sometimes not very much, and he would hear the voice say: “Your phone is connected.”
Zelda was away, and besides she was mad at him, so he couldn’t ask her for help.
Instead, he planned to experiment.
First, he laid his cell phone down and walked away from it until the voice in his ear said: “No active phone connected.”
It wasn’t that far, but farther from his hip to his ear.
He next walked around a corner into another room. After a few steps, heard it again: “No active phone connected.” Then “Your phone is connected” when he came back around the corner.
He then decided it must be corners. He would avoid going around corners. If he had to make a turn, he had to make it a 90-degree turn.
He worked to avoid corners, but eventually he would bend his body to avoid a corner, or even make himself sit down to think how he was going to avoid a corner, and he would hear the voice: “No active phone connected.”
Beware of the blue tooth's byte
Finally, one day he sat down and he turned his head to the left to see where he had placed his candy bar. His phone was on his right side. He heard the voice. He reached down to touch the phone, to make sure it was still there. Instead he accidentally touched his body fat. He pushed it aside and he head: “Your phone is connected.”
He let it go and he heard: “No active phone connected.”
He put down his Snickers bar and went outside for a walk.
Filed under absurdity, blathering idiot, blue tooth, Cartoon, humor, satire, story
This entry is a follow up to the earlier one defining abasement. For details, see earlier The Devil’s Dictionary entry: The Devil’s Dictionary: then and now: abasement
Original Devil’s Dictionary entry:
Wall Street, n. A symbol of sin for every devil of rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie ha made his profession of faith in the matter.
Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call
To battle: “The brokers are parasites all!”
Carnegie, Carnegie, you’ll never prevail;
Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail,
Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume;
Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray–
Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away!
While still you’re possess of a single baubee
(I wish it were pledged to endowment of me)
‘Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance
Lest its value decline ere your credit advance.
For a man ‘twixt a king of finance and the sea,
Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!
— Anonymous Bink
Today:
Wall Street, n. Has anything really changed since the late 19th century? Except now more people can invest in Wall Street than in Carnegie’s time. Not because we are so much wealthy, now relative to then, but because the rules were changed, allowing more people to get fleeced. There is no Carnegie, friend to the common man he was not, decrying Wall Street. Now it is a group of people in New York, around the country, and even overseas, who got bailed out and never really said thank you. And when people protest, at least one state governor has even tried to illegally put them in jail.
See: Protester’s Arrested
Protesters deliver letter to governor; judges dismiss arrests as illegal
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, humor, satire, Wall Street
Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.
For example, here is a definition for the word abasement. The first definition is Bierce’s. The second one is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today.
Abasement, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth or power. Particularly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.
Recent chart showing what a CEO makes versus the average worker makes in several developed nations throughout the world:
Comparison of pay rate ratio in U.S. and other countries
Abasement, n. Where we are all going to be living as the wealthy 10 percent in the U.S. accumulate even more wealth beyond the 2/3 percent of the net wealth they already have, and the rest of us have to go live in a basement somewhere.
http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/02/income-inequality-in-america-chart-graph
Filed under Ambrose Bierce, demons, satire, sign of the times, words, writing
Booker's Blog 