The baaaad are everywhere.
“Listen up, boys,” the head sheep said. “We have one chance to get this right. The sow keeps all her money at the Piggy Bank on the corner. We show a little backbone and knock it over and we’ll never have to cower again. You with me?”
Filed under Photo Finish Friday
Sometimes you feel like a pumpkin; sometimes you don’t.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
He didn’t understand why people were avoiding him. Granted, he had gotten up late, so he had to skip a few of the normal morning rituals, but he had showered the night before and brushed his teeth before he went to bed. And thus far this morning, he’d only had half a cup of tea. So, what was the big deal? His hair may have been a bit of a tangle, but his clothes were fresh.
He couldn’t understand it.
Then he understood it even less: women he didn’t know and had never met began giving him that slightly coy, come hither look. The one that starts with her glancing away when their eyes first meet, then with her head slightly cocked and her eyes slightly closed, she turns her gaze back to him and smiles that promisingly wicked half smile. One woman even circled her tongue over her lips.
They weren’t the type of women who were usually attracted to him, so why now?
He went to rest room in his office to comb his hair. Maybe they were making fun of him. That’s when he looked in the mirror.
He was frightened.
No, he was scared!
How could this be? Whom had he offended? What deity or person with near-divine powers had done this to him?
He tried to make a mental list of who could have done this to him. It was as much a list of distraction as a true list of candidates. There was Elinor over in accounting, whom he had snubbed at a company gathering. Not on purpose, but just the same. Then there was Bob, his neighbor, whose cat was always digging in his flowers. Not that he liked flowers all that much, but he liked the cat even less. And…
Sometimes the new you is thrust upon you.
He only hoped he didn’t wake up with a turkey face as the days left Halloween and drew closer to Thanksgiving.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
“I want to suck your nuts.”
Under the guise of holiday détente, a contingency of nutcracker vampires met with their counterparts from Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and the other holidays.
Citing how pumpkins and candy are traditionally part of Halloween, the leader of the group said, “If Thanksgiving can have pumpkin pies, and Christmas can have candy canes, I do not see why we can’t have Halloween nutcrackers.”
When advised that they could still not get their way, the Halloween nutcrackers stormed out of the discussions and threatened to “shut down the Holidays until we get our way.”
With Halloween soon approaching, no one is sure if Halloween we care forth on its threat to shut down the Holidays. Stay tuned for late breaking developments.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
He didn’t think this was, in any way, horsin’ around.
Mr. Ed had gone out drinking with his friends last night, but work up this morning with a terrible hangover and a skeleton painted on his body. He did not find it funny. It was probably the jack ass next door who did it. Crept over in the middle of the night and painted on him while he was passed out. He’d get even with him. Hey, nobody trifled with him and got away with it. He was nobody’s mule.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
It’s not a matter of when, but weather pigs fly.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
He thought he had been dreaming them; but here they were, the four cops of the apocalypse — the a copalypse — and they were following him.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
Think pink
Bobo thought he had seen it all. Then he saw this: a big bright pink elephant. He had to have it. It would perfect for his yard. His wife couldn’t object. It was the 1,000 pound gorilla he wanted to keep in the guest bedroom. It was an elephant. It would stay outside. And it would be the perfect complement to her pink flamingos — all 200 hundred of them strewn all over their lawn.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
Unlucky 13
O’ triskaidekaphobia —
don’t let it annoy ya —
your paranoia,
your frightened mind.
This triskaidekaphobia,
it will destroy ya,
I do implore ya,
your fear it will find.
Yes, triskaidekaphobia,
it will toy with ya,
and even enjoy with ya
superstition sublime.
Said triskaidekaphobia,
“I don’t want to bore ya,
but I’ll take Peoria,
at twelve Central time.”
Came triskaidekaphobia,
by way of Astoria
thirteen more than ya
hoped you could confine.
But triskaidekaphobia
was unlucky ya know ya
and took the thirteenth floor ya
and then fell to its decline.
Of triskaidekaphobia,
I’ll say no more to ya
because history will show to ya
that it will all intertwine.
Filed under Photo Finish Friday, poetry by author
She was pumped to see the candy.
She was pumped to see the candy. And she was pumped to see the pumps. She had been looking all over town for this type of candy: handmade, locally produced, just the thing to impress him with. After all, he had always given her handmade gifts. Then she saw the shoes, the pumps made from chocolate and candy. She’d always heard that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, and she had a secret fetish of wanting a man to at least once in her life nibble and suck her toes. This was just the item. It combined both things, and he wouldn’t even have to know about her fetish until the moment he nibbled his way up to her ruby red painted toes.
Oh, could this be real? Could this actually be happening?
She wanted to click her heels like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and say, “This place is better than home. This place is better than home.”
Then the witch behind the counter yelled over at her: “I ain’t here for my health. You gonna buy or you gonna slobber?”
She thought about it for a moment and wondered what she would do if he wouldn’t nibble away her chocolate shoe? What if he didn’t even like chocolate? What would she do then?
“Well?” the witch was not pleased to be kept waiting.
“I’ll take them all,” she said, “And could you gift wrap them?”
The look on the witch’s face was beyond sour. “You know, you can’t really wear these. And you can’t bring ’em back.”
“For what I have in mind, that won’t be an issue.”
The witch shrugged and packed up all five shoes.
She young woman walked home in the cold and blowing snow. Her man would be arriving soon, so she hurried. When she got home, she left a note where here man would find it, then went straight to bed and waited … and waited … and waited….
When morning came, she awoke with a jolt. It took a moment or two before she realized what had happened. All the chocolate shoes were gone, except one, which was partially eaten, the toe area missing. She found a wrapped present in the bed beside her and a note which read:
“My dear Virginia, how you have grown. I almost didn’t recognize you. I hope you like the present. I made it especially for you. Thank you for the chocolate snacks. I tried each one on your pretty little feet and nibbled my way up to your toes. Maybe next year, we can try these. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. –S.”
Virginia ripped open the present. She stared at the gift for a few minutes before she realized what it was. She turned as red as S’s suit to think he thought of her this way.
It was almost amazing what could happen when you still believed in the jolly ol’ elf.
Filed under Photo by author, Photo Finish Friday
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