Category Archives: Monday morning writing joke

Monday (morning) writing joke: “Turn of events”

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “the vote”

Two writers are sitting at a bar, as writers are sometimes want to do.

One writer sips his drink and says, “I’m thinking of make a run for the U.S. Congress. If I do, will you vote for me?”

The other writer puts down his drink and says, “No.”

The first writer hesitates, looking visibly taken aback, but then asks, “Why not?”

The other writer says, “Because I already know all your lies.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “Passing the buck”


[Editor’s note: the below article is true. No names were changed, not even the filing location: Bulls Gap. In the words of Mark Twain: “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.” — Following the Equator, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar. Now, as a writer, what can you make of this bit of news?]

Woman hospitalized to remove stolen $5,000 from rectum

by JEFF BOBO

BULLS GAP — A theft charge is pending against a Hawkins County woman who allegedly stole $5,000 from her boyfriend and was then hospitalized for injuries suffered attempting to remove the cash from her “hiding place.”

Around 1 a.m. Tuesday, the Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office was dispatched to the home of Bobby Gulley, 249 North Ridge Road, Bulls Gap, on a complaint that his girlfriend was stealing from him.

Gulley told HCSO Sgt. Michael Allen he’d “set a trap” for Christie Black, 43, also of that address, by placing two envelopes containing $4,000 and $1,000 in $100 bills in an old medicine bag.

The medicine bag was then placed on a foosball table and Gully went to bed.

Gulley said that when he woke up, he noticed Black was still awake, but the medicine bag and cash were missing.

When Gulley confronted Black with the theft, Black reportedly vomited up a baggy containing partially dissolved pills.

“He then asked her where the money was, and she admitted to him she’d wrapped it up and stuck it in her rectum,” Allen stated in his report. “Black admitted (to Allen) to taking the money and medication because Mr. Gulley was going to kick her out and she needed money for a place to live.”

Source and the rest of the story: http://www.timesnews.net/article/9066805/woman-hospitalized-to-remove-stolen-5-000-from-rectum

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Monday morning writing joke: “In the swim of things”

[Editor’s note: this is from the “you can’t make this up” department. Not so much a joke, though certainly a bit of a humorous caper. Who knows, could even be the basis for a story. I don’t know if you would call this a stroke of genius, or simply a breast stroke.]

A woman who received permission to skinny dip in a man’s backyard pool sufficiently amused him while her male companion burglarized the premises, police reported.

The 54-year-old victim said the couple, who lived nearby, approached his home about 3 p.m. Saturday in Crossville.

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2013/jul/09/nude-woman-swimmer-distracts-home-burglary-victim/?partner=popular

While a nude female swimmer in his Camelot subdivision home’s backyard pool had him distracted, the woman’s accomplice was inside the victim’s home stealing his personal property. Both made a clean getaway. The incident took place last Saturday on Canterbury Lane around 3 p.m. at the home of a 54-year-old man who told police that a couple who live nearby approached his home when the woman suddenly told her husband to go back and retrieve her cigarettes, according to Ptl. Camden Davis’ report. – See more at: http://crossville-chronicle.com/local/x1696737631/Nude-swimmer-distracts-home-burglary-victim#sthash.mL3Qxm2N.dpuf

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Monday morning writing joke: “Parable of punctuation”

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.

You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy – will you let me be yours?
Gloria

_____

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.

You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria  

[Editor’s note: Which note would you prefer to receive?]

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Dead again,” part 2

In honor of all the zombie movies over the past year, and books about zombies and other dead creatures, here is the second of two or three “dead” jokes, puns, bits of humor. Groan as you see fit.

Q.: What do you call…

…a race between zombies?

A.: A dead run.

…a warm day for zombies?

A.: A dead heat.

…a zombie who ate his girlfriend?

A.: A dead ‘n’ ate her.

…a zombie in an explosion?

A.: Dead bone air.

…somebody killed by a medieval zombie?

A.: Dead of knight.

…a zombie politician too long in office?

A.: A deadencated public servant.

.…a lobbyist?

A.: Dead weight.

…500 zombie lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A.: Habeas corpses.

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Dead again, ” part 1

In honor of all the zombie movies over the past year, and books about zombies and other dead creatures, here is the first of two or three “dead” jokes, puns, bits of humor. Groan as you see fit.

Q.: What do you call…

…a dead psychiatrist?

A.: A dead head.

…a dead musician?

A.: A dead beat.

…a dead twin bell musician?

A.: A dead ringer.

…a dead sailor?

A.: Dead lee

…a dead radio personality?

A.: Dead air

…a dead royal radio personality?

A.: Dead air apparent.

…a dead conservative?

A. Dead to rights

…a dead writer’s last sentence?

A. A deadline.

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Monday (morning) writing joke: “Under a spell (checker)”

Ode to the Spell Check

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It cam with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

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Monday morning writing joke: “Watering hole”

A writer and a pink elephant walk into a bar.

The elephant walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, “The writer that came in with me tells me this is the writers’ favorite watering hole in town.”

The bartender nods. “Like to think so.”

The elephant glances around. “But I don’t see anything odd.”

The bartender points to a woman sitting in back corner where the light was dim. “There sits a poet whose only love left her thirty years ago and that’s all she can writer about. She comes in, drinks, and talks to him as if he never left.”

The bartender points to a young man sitting in a booth, a pile of half smoked cigarettes in a bowl in front of him. “Over there is a novelist whose first book as a bestseller and whose next two books were panned or not reviewed at all. Yet, he keeps saying the next one will be a winner, though he’s yet to write a word of it.”

The bartender points to yet a third person and relates his story, then a fourth, a fifth, a sixth, and was about to tell about the deaf, mute, and blind from birth writer sitting next to the elephant at the bar, when the elephant nods.

The elephant walks over to the table where the drunk writer is sitting.

“You win,” the elephant says. “Me seeing you as a delusion at my watering hole is nothing like the things these writers see here.”

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Monday morning writing joke: “The bill”

To celebrate the recent publication of his chapbook, a poet walks into a local bar and orders drink and drink and drink, until closing time, when the waitress presents him with the bill.

Inebriated and irritated, the poet looks at the bar tab and yells, “This bill has no rhyme or meter. I refuse to recognize this … this repulsive, wreckage requiring recompense. This is pure assonance!”

He stands up from his table and sloshes toward the door, whereupon he is greeted by the bartender holding a Grecian urn over his head. Staring at the poet, he says, “You will pay what is ode.”

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