First writer: “Did you hear about the mystery writer whose husband kept asking Alexa for jokes?”
Second writer: “No, what happened?”
First writer: “He was found dead in his bathtub this morning. The police think he was ‘Alexa-cuted.'”
Second writer: “Self-inflicted or murder?”
First writer: “They don’t know, but the police are pretty sure she’ll make book on it.”
Filed under 2018, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
Paddy says to Mick, “I’m getting circumcised tomorrow.”
Mick says, “I had that done when I was a few days old.”
Paddy asks, “Does it hurt?”
Mick says, “Well I couldn’t walk for about a year.”
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .
Milton, the first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”
Marvin, the second oldest said, “And I had a large theater built in the house.”
Michael, the third son, said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
Melvin, the youngest, said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
The other brothers were impressed. Sometime after the celebration, Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much.”
Love, Mama
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunken Irishman sat down in a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was red and plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, too much drink, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and loose women, scruffy dressing and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered, “Well, I’ll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Writing Remember: your characters will often have hidden motives for the things they ask or do. Bring those motives into conflict, for serious or humorous results.
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims, “Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew,” says the lion, “that was close! That old Doberman nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion.”
And there you have the bones of a story.
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke
Two writers who didn’t like each other met in a bar, as such writers often do. Each claimed it was his favorite bar and each claimed he had found it first. After several months of glowering at each other and bad mouthing each other, they agree to settle the matter with a duel of puns.
Since the tall writer won the tenth round, the short writer was allowed to go first for round eleven. A set of cards was placed on the table between them, face down. On each card was a subject. The short writer flipped the card over and the subject was “Alaska.”
Props were allowed, and for each turn, each writer could make one phone call.
Each writer had to say his pun and the audience would get to pick which one they preferred. The bartender, a waiter, and a waitress would be the judges as to who got the loudest groan.
After thinking a moment, the short writer stood and took off his glasses, then put them back on, and then took them off again. As he did this, he said, “I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.”
This immediately drew a few laughs, and moan or two, and some applause.
The tall writer waited until things were quiet, then he asked for a match. He lit the match and as it burned, he said, “Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”
By then the match had burned down to his fingers. He dropped it and quickly stepped on it. A spark flew up from his foot and caught a paper napkin on fire. He then tried to stomp that out, but more sparks flew and soon the entire bar was on fire.
The crowd hesitated, then groaned, and scrambled over each other and out the door.
As the ashes were sprayed one last time to make sure they were no longer hot, the soot covered bartender said both writers lost that round.
Filed under 2018, Monday morning writing joke, Uncategorized
A writer walks into a bar on New Year’s Day.
He takes a stool at the bar and says to the bartender, “I’ve been studying on resolutions and how to keep them.”
“And what have you learned?” the bartender asks, bringing the writer a mug of his favorite beer.
“To succeed, a resolution must have three things. It must be achievable. It must be measurable. And it must be sustainable or repeatable.” He finishes the first mug of beer.
“And so what have you decided?” the bartender asks.
“I’ve decided to have another beer. That way, I can start on a resolution that is achievable, measurable, and sustainable. At least as long as the money holds out.”
“And what happens when the money runs out?”
The writer says, “I’m going to write about it to say whether or not it’s true.”
Filed under 2018, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
Genie: “You have one wish left.”
The writer thought about it for a few minutes. He looked around the bar. He had already messed up twice and didn’t want to screw up this third wish. Finally, he said, “I want to forget my writer’s block.”
“Is that your wish?”
“Yes, I wish to forget my writer’s block.”
The genie disappeared in a puff of smoke. The writer paid his bill and left the bar, happy to know that he would now be able to write again, once he remembered where he lived.
Filed under 2017, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
Q.: Why did the physics writer break up with the biology writer?
A.: Because there was no chemistry between them.
Filed under 2017, Monday morning writing joke, Uncategorized
Two writers are working in a room.
The would-be mystery writer keeps scratching her head and staring at her screen as she decides what should happen next.
The struggling science fiction writer repeatedly strikes his computer keyboard with his thumb.
Finally, she looks up and asks: “What are you doing?”
“I keep hitting the space bar,” the guy says, “but I’m still here on Earth.”
Filed under 2017, joke by author, Monday morning writing joke
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