There once was a lady from Kent
Who know not which way she went.
Coming or going,
Going or coming,
She said it was time well spent.
Category Archives: humor
There Once was a Lady from Kent
Mother’s Day 2010
There once was a woman from Illinois,
Who one year gave birth to a boy.
If asked on this day,
Of him she will say,
“If I were Jewish, I’d say, ‘Oy!'”
Filed under humor, limerick, Mother's Day, Random Access Thoughts
So, you want to be a hero? Part II
Or, does this happen to Batman?
Here I was, last Thursday, March 18th, having viewed over an hour of
To fight crime and fires, a superhero needs a working belt
PowerPoint, grasping the subtleties of P.A.S.S. (Pull the pin, Aim the extinguisher at the base of the fire, Squeeze the trigger, Sweep the extinguisher from side to side). I knew the fire triangle: Oxygen, Fuel, Heat, and that if you break one side of this triangle, the fire goes out. I learned that you should never fight a fire alone, always have an escape route, make sure there is no falling debris, and make sure the fire extinguisher is rated to handle the fire and that the fire is not a large one. I even learn about overhauling a fire, that is, making sure it is out, many times by stirring the ashes.
We then took a bathroom break before assembling outside at a site where we would take turns putting out a small fire. I walked into the bathroom my head full of newly minted knowledge. I did my business, which did not involve loosening my belt, and then I exited, ready to tackle this last portion of the evening’s training, to take the next step in my CERT training. And then my pants started to sag. The more steps I took, the further it dragged down. I reached down to feel what was the matter and discovered my belt had broken. Snapped off at the buckle, the belt buckle gizmo dangled from one end of the belt and the frayed end of the belt dangled from the other.
Now, it’s definitely hard to fight a fire, even one contained in a small galvanized tub—and even with a partner, 5 firefighters, and the rest of the CERT class hanging around—when you’re trying to hold the extinguisher in one hand and a handful of the waist of your pants in the other.
I had to wonder if this happens to Batman. Does his utility belt ever break? Do his caped crusader pants ever droop?
Will there be CERT training on what to do in case of this emergency?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Filed under CERT, certificate, hero, humor, Random Access Thoughts, training
The Great Cookie Conspiracy
I need my cookie fix
Submitted for your approval, a conspiracy that stretches back almost 100 years to the very bowels of America. In December 1917, one Candy Cane of the Mistletoe Troop in Muskogee, Oklahoma, executed the first Girl Scout cookie sale. Only interrupted by World War II, Girl Scout cookie sales have continued unabated to this very day. You may even be receiving or have received your shipment. And like most of us, you may have some left over from 2009, 2008, and maybe even 2007. They are almost fruitcake fiendish in their ability to maintain a shelf life, or live in the back of your freezer.
It is this very quality that is the basis of our latest conspiracy theory.
Consider this: Since 1917, and certainly since the end of WWII, the average American’s waistline has expanded faster than the universe. In a recent survey of 100,000 Americans, 20% of men were portly and 25% were so fat they had trouble finding their waist when it was to be measured. And 60% of women were pear shaped. (http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/6254.php)
As of 2007, sales of Girl Scout cookies were estimated at about 200 million boxes per year. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Scout_cookie)
And now the Girl Scouts even have a web site where you can go and download recipes so you can use your thin mints in making brownies and your crumbled up Samoas in your batter-fried shrimp dish. Is it any wonder that these are the two top selling Girl Scout cookies? (http://www.girlscouts.org/program/gs_cookies/cookie_faqs.asp)
Add to that this reality: now even schools are getting in on the act of selling processed sugar delights to raise money. Why, just the other day as I walked down the hallway of my daughter’s school, a cute red-head boy offered to sell me a dozen Krispy Kremes so he could go on a field trip to Washington, D.C. It has gotten that brazen. It has gotten that out of control!
And last night, well, last night when a young man from a local high school walked up to my door and under the cover of darkness attempted to deliver my order of cookie dough so he could buy a new band uniform, it hit me: It’s a conspiracy!
Our school children are making us fat! And what’s worse, they don’t even know they are doing it. They are in the thrall of powers larger than themselves.
And it’s been going on for almost a century!
That cute red-headed boy wanted to go to D.C. not to learn, but to get his next level of indoctrination.
Why have not our enlightened pundits spoken up? Where is Rush and Bill, Glenn and Sean? Has Rush been Do-si-Do-ed into submission? Has Bill been Thin Minted? Is Glenn just a Tagalong for those behind this conspiracy? Has Sean been slipped thousands of Samoas to keep quiet?
Even Sarah is silent on this issue. Does she not feel an obligation to retard this vast and growing conspiracy?
Where has my thin America gone? It brings tears to my eyes as I try to tie my shoes. I just want my thin, unMinted America back. Will nobody save us from ourselves?
I can’t bear to think about it any longer. I have to go and have my milk and cookies now to drown my sorrows. Maybe a Trefoil or two will help. I’ll call my childhood friend, the Cookie Monster, and see if he can come over and assure me everything will be alright, that my world isn’t crumbling.
Filed under conspiracy, humor, pundits, Random Access Thoughts, writing
Puns for the Educated
Books and Glasses
And as a writer, I enjoy a little play on words.
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.”Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire …. and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with… transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression … “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that … the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”
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