Some things are better left “un-done.”
Category Archives: humor
The blathering idiot’s dream
The blathering idiot was visiting his shrink one day and started talking about his attempts to write and why he wasn’t successful. The shrink asked why he, the blathering idiot, thought he wasn’t yet published in a magazine like The New Yorker?
The blathering idiot said, “I asked myself that question almost every morning when I looked in the mirror. ‘Mirror, mirror, on the wall,’ I said, ‘will The New Yorker come my way?’
Doc, I asked myself that question every morning when I looked in the mirror.
“And one day a New Yorker was delivered to my house by mistake, and from then on, I quit asking. I don’t even look in that mirror any more, for fear it might read my thoughts and make something else come true in its twisted way.
“But I fear it may have already happened, for I once asked it to make me wealthy beyond my wildest dreams … and from then on I didn’t dream any more.”
Puns for the educated mind
1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road . . . and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway
One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts;
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .
21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’
The other says ‘Are you sure?’
The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten DID
A sign of the times
I went to the store the other day,
and it wasn’t in a place very far away.
While going through the checkout line
the bagger asked me if I’d mind
spending a dollar to support a charity.
I said yes, how fine that would be.
He then asked for my name
Saying he’d put it in the window for a little fame.
I said I didn’t need the notoriety.
He said that just could not be,
and he would write “lowel customer.”
Though his accent was a bit tough to be sure,
I said “Loyal Customer” was fine with me.
He then wrote it on the window slip for all to see.
Lowel Customer now hangs on the glass
with all the other names that you pass.
But if Lowel Customer you happen to see,
give him a pleasant hello from me.
Filed under humor, poem, poetry, Random Access Thoughts, story poem, true story, words, writing
The Org Over Easy
The blathering idiot sat in the diner trying to figure out the organization of the company that had hired him and where he fit into things. He had the organizational chart “Org chart” of the company and the menu of the diner out on his table. He also had a glass of water that he had already spilled once and was still wiping up when the waitress approached.
She asked the blathering idiot what he wanted for breakfast.
“Org Over Easy,” the blathering idiot said.
She stared over the top of her glasses at him and canted her hip slightly. “Sir, that’s not on the menu.”
“Yes, it is. Over Easy or Sunny Side Up.”
“Org?”
“Yeah.”
She sighed. “That won’t be available until 8 o’clock.”
The Org Over Easy
“Eight o’clock. That’s outlandish.”
“And they’ll be a Sir charge.”
“A surcharge?!” The blathering idiot felt the heat rising to his ears. That always happened when he got embarrassed or angry. He felt a little of both now.
“Yes, sir, a charge on top of our normal Over Easy price.”
“Why?”
“Because orgs are always hard to get over easy.”
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, Random Access Thoughts, satire, words, writing
And you know something…
There were things the blathering idiot understood and there were things he didn’t. Sometimes, he tried to understand the things he didn’t. One day, he tried to understand why man was here. What was human kinds purpose on this earth? Were we here to glorify a god or gods? Were we here to glorify gold? Were we here to learn all we could learn and then leave it behind when we die? Were we here to love and laugh, or suffer and cry?
"And you know something else. I not only don't know why we're here, I'm sure I don't want to know."
The blathering idiot tried and tried to tease an answer out of the question. Finally, after having written for an hour on bar napkins and then thrown away all the answers he’d come up with, he picked up his root beer, took a swig, and proclaimed to the bartender while tapping on the bar, “And you know something else. I not only don’t know why we’re here, I’m sure I don’t want to know.”
He wasn’t sure, but the blathering idiot thought the bartender was happy with that answer.
Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, Random Access Thoughts, satire, words, writing
Reform, it’s not what you think
It was a cold day and the wind was blowing. The Blathering Idiot and his friend, Gary, were walking to take place in a protest against some change they knew little about but felt had to be protest because somebody on the radio had told them so.
The Blathering Idiot turned to his friend and said, “You know, Gary, the biggest problem with reform is that it requires you to think.”
Gary paused for a minute, then said, “I hadn’t thought about that.”
"You know, Gary, the biggest problem with reform is that it requries you to think."
They stopped and looked at each other. First one minute passed. Then another, and another, each looking at the other.
“I think we’ve discovered something profound,” Gary said.
Finally, they decided to turn around and go back home, where at least they could think in a warm place.
So, you want to be a writer? Watch and learn
Filed under agents, editor, humor, novel, Perils of writing, pitches, publishers, Random Access Thoughts, words, writing, writing tip
The All-American Chef
For Christmas, the blathering idiot received a BBQ mitt and a cooking apron. Across the front of the apron, above three embroidered stars was the phrase, also embroidered and in all capital letters: ALL AMERICAN CHEF.
The blathering idiot was happy to receive such a gift. He prided himself on his outdoor grilling skills, and after all an All American Chef should have all-American tools to help him create his all-American dishes. He tried on the mitt: it fit great with plenty of room. The apron was adjustable and the red color pleasantly suited him.
Though the weather was a winter cool, he decided to grill out. What better way to show off that he was an ALL AMERICAN CHEF? He pulled out his grill, poured in the charcoal briquettes, and was ready to start the fire.
All American mitt and apron made in China
The blathering idiot didn’t feel so ALL AMERICAN any more.
Filed under All American, blathering idiot, Christmas, Holidays, humor, Random Access Thoughts, words, writing
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