Category Archives: Devil’s Dictionary

July 28, 2013 · 2:24 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary: “Law,” part 1

A young Ambrose Bierce

A young Ambrose Bierce

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here are definitions related to the law. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions are mine or somebody else contemporary. The new definitions can also be simply examples of The Devil’s Dictionary definitions. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION:

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. –The Unauthorized Version

FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person–a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately
permitted to lose his case.

When Adam long ago in Cupid’s awful court
(For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
Sued for Eve’s favor, says an ancient law report,
He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.
“You sue in forma pauperis, I see,” Eve cried;
“Actions can’t here be that way prosecuted.”
So all poor Adam’s motions coldly were denied:
He went away — as he had come — nonsuited.
G.J.

HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime.

HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered—the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another–the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

NEW DEFINITION

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. If you have enough money, you can keep throwing until you get the role you want.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness or even being a little different.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. –The Unauthorized Version

FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person–a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately
permitted to lose his case.

When Adam long ago in Cupid’s awful court
(For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
Sued for Eve’s favor, says an ancient law report,
He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.
“You sue in forma pauperis, I see,” Eve cried;
“Actions can’t here be that way prosecuted.”
So all poor Adam’s motions coldly were denied:
He went away — as he had come — nonsuited.
G.J.

If you cannot afford an attorney in a crime case, one can be appointed for you. Of course, he or she might not be making much more money than you.

HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime. How he was confined to begin with, one may never know given how long it might before the writ is written.

HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered—the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen.

A way of making a habeas corpus into a plain corpus.

Today this has been replaced in most states by injection. Contributes less to climate change (global warming) this way.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another — the classification is for advantage of the lawyers and certain segments of the media who present opinion reportedly under the guise of news.

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May 19, 2013 · 10:54 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary: “Alien, Alliance, Ambidextrous, Ambition, Amnesty”

A young Ambrose Bierce

A young Ambrose Bierce


In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here are definitions for Alien, Alliance, Ambidextrous, Ambition, and Amnesty. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions are mine or somebody else contemporary. The new definitions can also be simply examples of The Devil’s Dictionary definitions. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION:

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

AMNESTY, n. The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

NEW DEFINITIONS:

(ILLEGAL) ALIEN, n. An un-American scofflaw unable to achieve a probationary state of any sort, at least as seen by some radical conservative elements. For them ALIEN is always preceded by ILLEGAL. This distinguishes him from the American scofflaw, who with enough money and AMBITION can form at least one ALLIANCE in which he can pick the pockets of friends and foes alike.

ALLIANCE, n. In National and International politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. However, as a grouped entity they often find a way to plunder others. The NRA plus the GOP being one fine example of how two groups manage to plunder a third, even to the point of death.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. (Nothing much new need be added to this.)

AMNESTY, n. The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish or who have enough money to acquire amnesty as one acquires a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card in Monopoly. In other words, it would be too “expensive” to ignore the offer.

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February 16, 2013 · 6:18 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary: “Absurdity, Adherent, Administration, Admiration, and Admonition”

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here are definitions for Absurdity, Adherent, Administration, Admiration, and Admonition. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions are mine or somebody else contemporary. The new definitions can also be simply examples of The Devil’s Dictionary definitions. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITIONS:

Absurdity, n. A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.

Adherent, n. A follower who has no yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Administration, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Admonition, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning:
Consigned by way of admonition,
His soul forever to perdition.
Judibras

NEW DEFINITIONS:

Absurdity, n. A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own, but accepted none-the-less as truth because it has been spoken of often enough by enough commentators and talking heads so as to make it real.

Adherent, n. A follower of an absurdity (or several) who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get from his or her absurdities. For example: Those who say they want less federal government involvement in their lives while living in a state that gets more in federal money than it pays in.

Administration, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.
Example: In the news: On December 7th of last year, the Administration hung a banner on an air craft carrier announcing that the war was over. “Mission Accomplished,” it read. When asked about this today, the straw man said, “I never said that.”

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves, up to and including our own adherence to the same absurdity. “He’s a man I’d like to have a beer with,” one voter said in remarking why he voted for the teetotaler running for office.

Admonition, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.
Damned by Fox news admonition,
His liberal soul forever to perdition.

The Adherent was advised of the absurdity in believing everything the administration was saying. But the adherent's admiration knew no bounds, and then he became an abomination and received the highest compliment: an admonition from those he admired.

The Adherent was advised of the absurdity in believing everything the Administration said. But the Adherent’s admiration knew no bounds, and then he became an abomination and received the highest compliment: an admonition from those he admired.

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December 2, 2012 · 5:19 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary: Abstainer, Adage, Age

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here are definitions for Abstainer, Adage, and Age. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definitions are mine or somebody else contemporary. The new definitions can also be simply examples of The Devil’s Dictionary definitions. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

Old Definition

Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

Adage, n. Boned wisdom from weak teeth.

Age, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.

New Definition

There once was a man, an abstainer,
a four-square, by-the-book refrainer,
who couldn’t live up to the adage —
something wise and about cabbage.
He refused to believe it was a sustainer.

He did not believe he must dine
without a proper glass of red wine.
Upon such a stewed mess,
boiled and very plain no less:
the adage about cabbage, he declined.

He now hangs out in a ratty ol’ garden,
but eats only his own private slumgullion.
Yet, to all who pass by
and not wanting to know why,
he says cabbage has made him well again.

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October 14, 2012 · 12:30 am

The Devil’s Dictionary: Abridge and Abrupt

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for Abridge and Abrupt. The Old definition for each work is Bierce’s. The New definition is mine or somebody else contemporary. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITIONS
Abridge, v.t. To shorten

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. – Oliver Cromwell.

Abrupt, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author’s ideas that they were “concatenated without abruption.”

NEW DEFINITIONS
Abridge, v.t. To build to nowhere.

Something you do until the courts tell you you can’t when you’re mayor of a small Alaskan town.

Abrupt, adj. How truth arrives to a political campaign, often showing candidates that what they have is abridge-ment to nowhere.

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September 1, 2012 · 1:00 am

The Devil’s Dictionary: Ability and Abnormal

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for Ability and Abnormal. The Old definition is Bierce’s. The New definition is mine or somebody else contemporary. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITIONS

Ability, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

NEW DEFINITIONS

Ability, n. Commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of “fake it until you make it.” Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised for it is no easy task to fake it.

Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Even if you fake being abnormal until you achieve true abnormality, you shall be labeled be forever thought mean and will be shunned by the true mean and solemn members of society, i.e. the Average Man (and Woman).

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July 14, 2012 · 9:05 am

The Devil’s Dictionary: Abdomen

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for Abdomen. The Old definition is Bierce’s. The New definition is mine or somebody else contemporary. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION
Abdomen, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore the know not. If woman had a free hand in the world’s marketing, the race would become graminivorous.

NEW DEFINITION
In this case, it’s more of an augmentation of the original definition than revision of the original.

Augmentation 1:
Beer Belly, n. The temple of the god Stomach after a regular and continual ingesting of liquid graminivorous forms. These graminivorous forms include ale, pale ale, stout, larger, and lite forms of these and other similar liquids.

Augmentation 2:
Six-Pack Abs, n. The flip side (so to say) of the beer belly in which attempts are made to make the temple appear like the packaging of the liquid graminivorous content and not the liquid graminivorous contents themselves.

[Editor’s note: In case you are wondering, graminivorous is a word and it is a word that Bierce used in his definition. I did not add it to show off. It means: feeding or subsisting on grass.]

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June 23, 2012 · 1:00 am

The Devil’s Dictionary: Abatis and Aborigines

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for the words Conservative and Republican, which have become synonymous. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine or somebody else contemporary. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION
Abatis, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

Aborigines, n. Person of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

Corollary: they succumb to abatis.

NEW DEFINITION
Abatis, n. Rubbish in front of the U.S. Congress, placed there to prevent the rubbish outside, the people, from molesting the rubbish inside, the bought and paid for representatives and senators. Often this rubbish is lobbyist, who themselves are many times former congressmen and senators making sure the people who hired them get what they want before the people, voters, do. See lobbyist in an earlier installment of The Devil’s Dictionary.

Aborigines, n. Person of little worth found cumbering the voting booths at election time. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize or fodder for the plutocratic machine that is the U.S. Congress. unfortunately, this has also become increasing true of state congresses, too.

Corollary: they succumb to abatis.

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June 1, 2012 · 1:00 am

The Devil’s Dictionary: Conservative and Republican

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for the words Conservative and Republican, which have become synonymous. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine or somebody else contemporary. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION
Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

NEW DEFINITION
Conservative, n. I don’t think anything has changed since Bierce first defined conservative as he did, and little can be done to improve on it, other than to say that Conservative and Republican have become so interconnected in U.S. politics as to become two wings of the same buzzard. See Republican(s).

Republicans, n. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it. –P.J. O’Rourke

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. –H.L. Mencken

Final thoughts:
So, here we have a political party (Republican) that purports to be the party of Conservative, heterosexual, bedrock social/Christian values, in which in Tennessee, in the county of Knox a commissioner stands (an obviously appropriate word in this case) accused of indecent exposure with another man for lewd behavior; a former Knox County mayor gets a divorce because of an alleged affair — and maybe more than one. (At least he waited until toward the end of his time in office to get divorced.); a current Knox County mayor is getting a divorce (at the start of his administration and only four years after saying “I do.”); a Tennessee state representative and a former police officer gets arrested for driving drunk in Nashville, TN, with a loaded gun in his front seat; another Tennessee state representative carves her initials in her publicly owned seat in the state capital, dresses down a Tennessee Highway Patrol Officer for a ticket she got for speeding, and has “interesting” photos of herself on the Internet; a Tennessee state senator uses bogus science and bullying logic to advance a biased personal agenda, and when challenged claims he’s being discriminated against; a national presidential candidate has more affairs than another national presidential candidate has had wives (and that takes a little doing); and that same multi-wife presidential candidate’s current wife has a debt at Tiffany’s over 5 times (and maybe even 10 times) larger than the yearly average American family household income. So with all this moral rectitude and personal frugalness coming from the political party (Republican) claiming to defend Conservative, heterosexual, bedrock social/Christian values, what I want to know is this: When did Peyton Place become a family value?

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May 13, 2012 · 4:33 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary: Corportion, Congress, Lobbyist

In our continuing quest to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past and see how relevant it is, we continue with The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for the words Corporation and Congress. The Old definitions are Bierce’s. The New definition is mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Congress, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

NEW DEFINITION
Corporation, n.The only think I could add to corporation is: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. Peopled with overcompensated executives whose sole purpose is to privatize the profit and socialize the debt. In the vernacular: heads, I win (I get to keep the profit); tails you lose (You have to cover the bad debts).

Congress, n. A body of men and women who meet to repeal laws, generally at the behest of a corporation. This is now true of both the federal Congress and the state Congresses throughout the U.S.

Lobbyist, n. Paid influence peddler, bag man for the corporation, general thief in the night whose sole purpose on behalf of corporations is to see that Congress understands which laws are to be repealed or weakened, and how this should be done, particularly since too many lobbyists are former elected officials. Lobbyists can promote on behalf of other entities and not only corporations, but the goal is generally the same.
[Editor’s note: lobbyist was not a term long in use when The Devil’s Dictionary was created.]

Final word:
“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.” –MARK TWAIN

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